First off, I just have to say that the new housewife Kristen's tagline is "I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I'm pretttttty!" This may be the best and most honest tagline in the history of the
. Is it too soon to already make her my favorite?
Cool Carole is getting her makeup for her author photo for her book. She wrote a book, in case you hadn't heard, called The Widow's Guide to Sex and Dating
. She and her Aerosmith boyfriend, Russ, have broken up, but she's still hoping she'll eventually meet a nice guy to settle down with.
She invites Heather to the photo \shoot with hopes she will help her calm her down. Instead, Heather manages to micro-manage the shoot and really grate on the professional photographer, who asks her more than once to take several steps back. But Carole likes having Heather around because she makes her happy. Unlike Aviva, who she is still not happy with after she was so rude at her book party in the season finale last year.
Carole isn't the only one holding a grudge against Aviva. Ramona still doesn't care for the way she acted toward her in St. Barths and at the reunion. She tells Sonja that she's had icy run-ins with her since the reunion, but the two haven't really spoken.
Meanwhile, Sonja fills Ramona in on her dating life. She's apparently seeing a 23-year-old named Ben, but isn't necessarily closed off to dating Harry, Aviva's ex-husband, again. Holla!
It's Heather's birthday party and she's really excited to meet up with all of her old friends she calls "peeps" because they used to work at Sean Jean and Big Boy. Carole and Heather keep name-dropping Diddy but calling him "Puff Daddy" like the old white women they are.
Sonja's young BF is a regulation hottie. She brags about going from her ex-husband, who was in his 80's to Ben, who's literally 60 years younger. But age is just a number to Sonja, and she'd rather not talk about it. Plus, Ben thinks that Sonja spells her name with a "sexy J" and that it's the "sexiest J" he's ever seen. I don't think I've ever been more proud of Sonja.
Then we get a formal introduction to Kristen, who says everyone thinks she's from California because she's blonde (seriously, who thinks this?), but really she's from Connecticut. She moved to New York as a teenager to model, but now she's a mom to Cash, age 5, and Kingsley, 17 months. She's been married to her husband, Josh, for eight years and she's playfully "crossing her fingers" that they make it to nine. She also wants to write a book called I Love My Kids But I F***ing Hate This
about being a parent. Basically, she is my new role model. I was right to make her my new fave within the first 30 seconds of the show.
Aviva and Reid are running late because they are super busy moving into a new apartment; it's a wonder that they had time for any kind of social event. When she arrives, everyone except Carole and Ramona act happy to see her. She tells Sonja that she's okay with her seeing so much of her ex-husband and she hopes that they can put anything rocky they had in the past behind them. Sonja, being the fun-loving free spirit that she is, heartily agrees. Then she probably went home and had sex with her hunky boy toy.
Carole says hello to Aviva to be polite and almost instantly regrets it. Aviva wastes no time in telling her that she's writing a book of her own and she wants to pick Carole's brain about it. Carole says that's so typical of Aviva, not even asking how she's been before making everything about her. But she really likes Kristen, who she says is "tall, pretty and weird," which is the "hat trick of fun" for her.Why Can't We Be Friends?
Aviva pulls Ramona aside at the party and it's immediately awkward. She starts to try and kiss Ramona's ass, saying she "truly and sincerely" misses her and she wants a hug. Seriously, Aviva? You want a hug? From Ramona? Who do you think you are? Better yet, who do you think Ramona is?
Ramona proceeds with one of the greatest shut-downs in Real Housewives
history. She tells her that she can accept her apology, but she can't accept her as a person. BURN. And then she tells her that she thinks she's insincere, vicious and mean-spirited. DOUBLE BURN. And then she tells her that she thinks she's "sugar and spice and everything not nice." TRIPLE BURN. And then she tells her, "I would love to like you, but I only want good energy in my life, and I don't feel like I can trust you." QUADRUPLE BURN. Then Ramona drops her mic and walks away. Ladies and gentlemen, Ramona ain't here to play this season.
On a day (or a few, we have no real concept of when this stuff was actually filmed) after the party, Kristen meets Josh for dinner. But he's late and she really hates that because they don't get a lot of time for date nights with their two young kids. They toast to their life before having kids and Josh tells her he appreciates hear as a mother and as a partner and gives her diamond earrings. She likes them so much that she promises to give him a bl**job that night. It seems like they have a pretty good
marriage that works for them.
Ramona is meeting with a decorator to figure out some kind of organization for her massive shoe collection when she gets a call from Aviva. Aviva apparently didn't get the VERY CLEAR message that Ramona delivered to her at the party. She wants to meet Ramona for cocktails for a one-on-one. Ramona says she'll think about it.
Sonja has Kristen and Ramona and a loopy "pastor" over for tea and snacks (no word on if they were prepared in a toaster oven), but in true Sonja style, there are no plates. Kristen doesn't know what to make of Ramona and Sonja's friendship, but they seem a little like crazy drunk aunts.
Ramona mentions that Aviva called wanting to meet for drinks and all of a sudden Sonja is up on her high horse about Aviva being apologetic, trying to appeal to Ramona by reminding her of Aviva's early childhood trauma of losing a leg and having an alcoholic mother. She tells Ramona that she's
rising above the drama and that Ramona should too. The loopy pastor lady advises Ramona to try and relate to Aviva's soul instead of her personality. So Ramona relents and agrees to meet with Aviva.
It's pretty painful watching Aviva kiss Ramona's ass so much the next evening when they meet for cocktails. "You looked great at the party," she tells Ramona. "And I'm not just saying that because I'm trying to get in your pants." Good lord. Even Aviva has a moment to wince at her own bad schmoozing.
They do a few shots of tequila (Aviva's first shot of alcohol ever, or so she says) to loosen up, and Ramona asks Aviva why she wants to be friends again so bad. Aviva says she feels really bad about how she acted in St. Barth's, but she did so because she felt that her husband was being attacked so she just lost it. She says the magic words to Ramona, which are, "I was wrong," and Ramona admits to actually having a nice time with her and agrees to bury the hatchet.
A strong start to this new season, yes? Do you love the new housewife as much as I do? Sound off in the comments!
The Real Housewives of New York City
airs Tuesdays at 9pm on Bravo.(Image courtesy of Bravo)