Jill's out, Kelly's out, Alex is out, and Cindy was too boring to even remember. Meet your new nutbags: Aviva ("never underestimate a woman born and raised in New York City,"), Carole ("I may be a princess, but I'm definitely NOT a drama queen," and Heather ("my success is built on making women look and feel their best. Hollaaaa!") At this point I feel most embarrassed for Heather.
We have some of our old familiar nutbags, too; Luann ("to some people living elegantly just comes naturally,"), Ramona ("I'm not afraid to say what everyone else is thinking,") and Sonja ("a little Sonja will spice up any party!"). Let's get down to business.
LuAnn and Aviva are friends from before the show. They like each other because they're both attractive and manly ("Aviva is poised and graceful and charming ... you would never know she has a handicap," LuAnn tells us). They delight in speaking in French to each other, "it can be our code language!" LuAnn says. Their secret boyfriend language! They applaud each other on being good ex-wives. YAY US! WE DID IT! It turns out that Aviva's ex-husband, Harry, also dated LuAnn and Sonja maybe? Welcome to the club, Aviva. "He's a good guy, he's a good guy," they keep saying of Harry.
Sonja is more a mess than ever. She's throwing a party and bossing around her assistant. This party is all about "fresh food, fresh people, fresh everything." NO STALE GUESTS. It is the Sonja Morgan way. Aviva shows up with LuAnn, and things get very fresh. Sonja tells Aviva that she and her ex-husband are close friends and she is All About Love.
Heather arrives on the scene, with Carole in tow. Aviva has read Carole's book, and liked it. Sonja is surprised she hasn't met Carole yet. She is such a woman about town! She keeps things so fresh! And out of the limo spills Ramona with a wine bottle in each hand. Is she drunk already maybe? LuAnn is still upset with Ramona because of what she said about her as a parent. Mario asks LuAnn why she's not engaged yet, and she excuses herself quietly.
Just like all other New York Housewives before her, Heather owns a shapewear collection. Hers is called Yummie Tummie. "I LOVE THAT, I WANT ONE. I SERIOUSLY LOVE IT," Ramona shouts at Heather. Heather excuses herself to get a cocktail. Meanwhile, Aviva asks Carole about her memoir, which happened to become a New York Times bestseller. Carole feels awkward because Aviva wants to discuss the book but she's not in "widow mode" anymore. She seems very composed.
Carole moves into a conversation with Aviva and the not-so-composed Ramona, and they talk about kids, which isn't interesting to Carole. She excuses herself to get a drink "while you talk about kids." LuAnn corners Ramona to talk about kids, in a very different way. Ramona freaks out, sidling away saying "another time, another time," and Sonja interrupts like the life of the party she thinks she is.
"Feel my heart! I can't take this anymore!" Ramona tells Mario. Always with the heart. Aviva thought it was weird. Ramona won't say she's sorry for something that is "true." Aviva and Heather agree that Ramona over-reacted. "Do I want to be friends with Ramona? That's the real question," LuAnn says.
Carole is meeting with the editor-in-chief of Glamour magazine. They want her to interview the Kardashian sisters. Poor Carole. She has to make them look classy. She's finishing her new book, a novel about a widow who goes out and dates in New York. She seems like one of the smartest Housewives we've ever seen.
At the Yummie Tummie offices, we gonna talk 'bout SHAPEWEAR. Heather has a lot of fashion experience, but now she specializes in her own celebrity shapewear. Because Ramona loved that shapewear so much, she swings by the Yummie Tummie headquarters. She wanted to come to the office and talk too much. Ramona sees a lot of herself in Heather, because she is also in the fashion industry of her own mind. She flaunts her cover of The Learning Annex, which seems very low budget. "How You Can Have it All" is the title on Ramona's edition of this free magazine.
They talk more about being moms, and they both agree that you can't live without a liver. "I thought that Avery was born dead!" Ramona says, to top Heather's baby-liver-transplant story. Ughhh what?
Sonja and Aviva meet for pedicures. It is awkward, because Aviva has a prosthetic leg, and she brought a third to get polish put on it. Heavy. Sonja appears literally hot under the collar, but only because it's a giant turtleneck. Sonja feels touched/honored/important.
Sonja, Ramona, and Heather meet for a glass of wine. Heather did not think she and Ramona clicked at her office, but she was still invited to dinner at Ramona's Hamptons house. Ramona probably just wants to make sure one of the new girls is on her side. We'll never know where Heather stands, though, because Sonja and Ramona will not stop talking. Sonja is ALSO in the Learning Annex! Let's take a look at her logo for her toaster oven.
Awkwardly, Heather just throws in that her father just died. Is she trying to push them away? "To all three of our dead dads," Sonja lifts her glass of wine. And Ramona throws out that she and her father were not close. Heather is turned off, because Ramona only wants to top her tragedy, and talk about business. But Heather always has a tragedy to bring up! She has a friend in the wine business who is blind and has diabetes.
Ramona is having a fabulous, intimate dinner party at her house in the Hamptons. Sonja is staying with them, and making the appetizers. Ramona is hoping Sonja and her friend Michael will hit it off. Aviva shows up, from her rental in the Hamptons, bringing her husband and some pies that Ramona is too enthusiastic about. Heather shows up, ready to talk about whatever horrifying and tragic thing happened to her on the way over.
Heather asks for Scotch, but they don't have any. Mario offers tequila or gin, and Heather says "no ... bad experience in college." And it seems like she wants to talk about it. She probably had too much gin in college and her friend's spinal cord fell out or something.
Heather tells everyone that tequila is the only alcohol that's an upper, and that the dog almost fell asleep when she was petting her. She is SO SPECIAL. She lives in the mountains that Ramona thinks are boring but they're really not! Ramona tells us that "the rule is to sit back, listen, and say nothing." Even as Ramona is talking, Heather says "yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah," really fast. They will not be friends. I will hate this reunion.
Ramona tries to give Heather a lesson on how to have a conversation, but neither of them should be featured in the Learning Annex about it. How funny! We hate each other! They smile. I don't like that Heather says "oh em gee."
Thousands of meaningless words, and Heather's baby-liver-transplant story later, they sit for dinner. Aviva tells the story of how she and Reid met, charmingly, but is not allowed to finish once she says she was on her knees. A few glasses of wine later, Sonja is looking red-faced and continually refers to her ex-husband as "my husband." Ramona reminds Sonja that she's divorced, perhaps for Sad Michael's benefit. Thank god it's over.
Elsewhere in the Hamptons, LuAnn's daughter, Victoria, is hosting her first art show in their garage. Victoria's artwork is good, but dark. Very 17. Aviva compliments it, and Heather shows up just in time to relate to the darkness in each painting. They re-live Ramona's awkwardness at the dinner party.
Back in the city, Carole, Aviva, and LuAnn meet for lunch to catch Carole up on all the hot gossip. "Artificial sweetener causes cancer," Aviva tells Carole. Carole should have asked what causes loss of limb, just to get on par with the insensitivity, but she didn't. LuAnn sits down to tell them about a disturbing phone call she got from Ramona.
A girl was passed out in the bushes at LuAnn's daughter's birthday party, and then LuAnn got a call from Ramona that said something to the effect of, "I know things about your children and I will tell the world. You don't want to go down this road." What? No way. No one does that.
Heather shows up late to join Team LuAnn. LuAnn leaves, and lets the story take flight. "It felt a little bit like a drive-by shooting," Carole says. LuAnn stopped by only to tell this crazy story, then blew on out of there. The women agree that children are off-limits. To throw a log on the Ramona-hatred fire, Heather tells her story about Mario telling her she interrupts a lot. Meh. "We're supposed to be supportive of each other as women!" Heather says. Oh harumph and pshaw to that. They agree never to become mean girls. CHEERS TO THAT, LADIES!
(images courtesy of Bravo)