They made us wait an extra week for it, but it's finally here. The Big Season 2 Altercation! Danielle has been all kinds of crazy this season, so most of us have already sided with Teresa, but Teresa's not totally sane either. Also, I would like to point to Kim "Not Actually a Housewife" G's behavior. It felt sort of like watching The Dog Whisperer
where the owners bring Cesar Millan in to take care of their normally aggressive dog, but then it's the other dog who's starting all the fights. In this case, the other dog is Kim G. Sneaky biyatch. And this DID go down like a dog fight; it was totally explosive. Also, Kim G. looks like Michelle Pfeiffer as cat woman after she "dies" in Batman Returns
Already heated up, Teresa brags about her expensive home. Danielle mentions that it's in foreclosure, which Teresa denies, even though Danielle is right. Danielle tries to leave but Teresa chases after her all crazy, spitting insults and practically Hulking out of her chinchilla coat. Danielle's heel(s?) breaks and she hides behind a stone pillar. For some reason Danielle can't walk, and Ashley pulls her hair. WHAT!? Kim G, self-designated umpire and still not helping anything, yells, "GET HER OUTTA HERE!"
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Teresa, still in hot pursuit, tries to push past a man in a suede coat (Kim's driver). Jacqueline tries to convince Teresa and Ashley to give it up (it seems she is the only person with her wits about her). In an awful reality check for all of us, Danielle cries, "I told you, I told you this would happen." And she did! Now she has every reason to become even more paranoid. Great. Then this wonderful exchange happened:
Danielle: It's Danielle Staub. I've been physically attacked!
911: Okay, was anybody injured?
Danielle: My hair was pulled!
Then Kim G. gets out of the car to instigate some more. "I'm not taking anybody's sides here," Kim G. explains, trying to play both sides. Ashley proudly admits that she pulled Danielle's hair and I feel sad that the children are our future.
The cops keep trying to ask Danielle if she's injured, and even though she's not, she's trying to get as much mileage as possible out of the hair pull. "CLUMPS OF IT!" Danielle wants everyone to leave her alone, and I feel like that's a fair request. Yes, she's over-reacting, but she wasn't the one who started it.
No one was arrested, which will frustrate Danielle for years. Then the show visits Caroline, who is the most sane but also the most boring of the Housewives. I can't even think about Albie's chances in law school at a time like this. At least we're still basking in the aftermath. And Jacqueline is being reasonable about it. She notes that Teresa was being sort of nasty and that Ashley could probably be charged for assault. Whoa, where did Danielle get that chunk of hair she was holding up in the interview?! Shouldn't Ashley have it?
I think we just discovered the person with the worst/most difficult job in the world: Danielle's "Energist." Fortunately, Sarai the Energist has tapped into her psychic side and is looking for a way to diffuse the situation before it gets worse, as she predicts. As Sarai gets Jacqueline's phone number, Teresa is still stuck on "I call everyone honey, don't I?!" and I'm starting to think we've focused too heavily on Danielle's craziness, and not enough on Teresa's nastiness.
Teresa performs a full, but inaccurate, dramatic re-enactment of the fight for her husband, Joe. Joe had this to say, "Do we have to talk about her?" and, "Who's Kim G.?" Joe just became my favorite character on this show.
Meanwhile, Sarai treats Jacqueline to some free energisting over the phone. Jacqueline quiets her mind with iPhone tanagrams. Another ineffective energy cleansing by Sarai.
So, is Ashley America's Newest Sweetheart? No. But she could be in the running for America's Most Defensive Teen. Chris, Jacqueline's husband, tells Ashley to shut her mouth or get the hell out. The Real Husbands of New Jersey are really shining tonight.
Come back tomorrow to find out what crimes the Housewives should be charged for!
(image courtesy of Bravo)