The Kids Are All Wrong on 'The Real Housewives of NJ'
The Kids Are All Wrong on 'The Real Housewives of NJ'
Get the Party Started
Teresa's daughters start this episode off playing Monopoly. My ears were ringing so loudly with irony that I almost missed that Joe and Teresa are celebrating their ten year anniversary and she wants some expensive gifts. Or else she's withholding sex. Speaking of parties, Danielle's daughter, Christine, is having a Sweet Sixteen party. Christine wants to donate money, and Danielle looks skeptical. "What's charity? I'm a charity case! Did I mention my weave got pulled out?"

I have a theory that Teresa's baby is actually one of those reborn dolls. It never moves, and only looks life-like. Sort of like these are the "Real'Housewives of New Jersey." And like Danielle's other daughter, Jillian (who?), is a "budding musical artist." And Albie is "going to go back to law school." Right after he takes a slight detour through Police Academy. Where did this Police Academy sub-plot come from?

Joe and Teresa Celebrate Ten Years of Ignoring Financial Crisis
Let's itemize Joe's anniversary gifts to Teresa. One rented car (plus driver), one bottle of champagne, one helicopter ride, one fancy hotel suite, numerous rose petals in the shape of the number 10, multiple glasses of wine (three, if I had to guess), one yellow diamond ring in the middle of a lava cake. And it's like they always say, "love is in the eyes of the beholder." They don't say that, but I'm just trying to keep my mind off of Teresa and Joe getting it on.

Sweet Sixteen, Sour Notes
Having planted her family's flag firmly on the ground of Needless Dramaville, Danielle happily makes a big deal about wearing her ring at the party, clearly secretly hoping that her husband's new wife will notice. Is anyone else still having trouble getting over the fact that Danielle is a mother? What are the odds that her daughters will turn out like Ashley (America's Sweetheart)? I see that Danielle's singing talent runs in the family (I AM BEING SARCASTIC. JILLIAN SOUNDED BAD). "We Are Sisters" is the kind of song that could really get stuck in your head and melt your brain.
Christine's first dress was really pretty, though. Danielle managed not to make everything about her.

The Weave-Pulling Angel Gets a Summons
And Ashley's still not getting it. Is she sorry? Not at all. Does she care? No. Is she an idiot? Pretty much. "I'm gonna counter-sue her . . . I'm like, excited."  Chris and Jacqueline decide that Ashley needs tough love. You think?

So, whose kid would you rather hang out with? Did Danielle throw a good party?

Check out my completely un-scientific assessment of where the Real Housekids of New Jersey will be in ten years!

(image courtesy of Bravo)