Crimes of the New Jersey Housewives
Crimes of the New Jersey Housewives
Last night's episode featured the extension-pull heard 'round the world, and a big explosive fight at the country club that out-crazied last season's dinnertime, table-throwing, screaming match.  Wasn't it awesome? The police showed up on the scene, but no one was charged with anything (yet). In a way, though, all the Housewives are guilty of something, and here are the crimes I'm charging them with:

Danielle: Premeditated Lunacy. After the heels to her thigh-high patent leather boots broke, Danielle was left screaming "I told you! I told you this would happen!" in the car. Maybe she knew this was all going to happen because she went to the Posche fashion show with the sole intention of acting like a bitch. She didn't start this fight but you'd better believe she'll finish it. At least she can plead insanity.
RHoNJ lunacy.jpg

Teresa: Reckless Instigation. Teresa started this whole thing when she put herself in harm's way and icily demanded attention from Danielle. Then she chased after Danielle hurling insults and threats. And, I'm sorry Teresa, but you can't just plead "Italian" this time.
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Caroline: Involuntary Boringness. I respect Caroline for staying out of the whole Danielle issue as much as possible but I couldn't even pretend to care about that whole Albie/Learning Disability sub-plot last night. Doesn't she know that we all just want to talk about Danielle?
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Jacqueline: Attempted Obstruction of Drama. She tried to stay out of it the best she could, and even tried to talk some sense into Teresa but Jacqueline's attempts didn't do any good. Teresa had already flown off the handle and the evening was beyond recovery. Jacqueline's only crime, really, is letting Ashley turn out the way she did. 
RHoNJ obstruction.jpg
Ashley: Assault. I mean, really. Pulling a clump of someone's hair (which Danielle was kind enough to show us) out for no reason other than "I thought she hit my mom" is assault. And I'd like to see Ashley try to defend herself on this one. I would also like to charge her with the secondary offense of Indecent Use of Animal Print with that awful zebra print adult onesie thing she was wearing while arguing with her parents.
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Kim G: Impersonating a Real Housewife. We get it, Kim, you want to take Dina's spot on the show so you'll give your hair an extra spray of AquaNet and put yourself in the middle of every single confrontation. Kim G. needs to pick a side, though, or she's going to be ousted even as an ancillary character by the heavy hitters of this season.  

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(My favorite part of this picture is Kim's driver in the background, who has no idea what he's about to get into)

What's your verdict? Guilty or Not Guilty?

(images courtesy of Bravo)