'The Real Housewives of Miami' Recap: More Bling, More Problems
'The Real Housewives of Miami' Recap: More Bling, More Problems
Gina Pusateri
Gina Pusateri
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
Five episodes into season 3 of The Real Housewives of Miami should be plenty of time to decide if you're Team Adriana or Team Lea. Personally, I think Lea's voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard and Adriana is plain bananas, so I, myself, am firmly Team Lisa.

Gala Planning Ain't Easy

It's the day before the annual Black Gala and Lea is scurrying around making sure everything is done. She's planning out the seating with an assistant (who we later learn is her book editor ... because book editors always help with event planning?), which she says is her least favorite thing to do after begging people for money.

Later in the episode, she has a meeting with the aforementioned book editor, which is awkwardly interrupted by a "surprise" visit from American Idol winner Taylor Hicks. Taylor hems and haws awkwardly as she fawns all over him like he's George freaking Clooney, talking about how lucky they are to have him and how good he was to take a night out of his extremely busy schedule of singing at local festivals in the Midwest, where he undoubtedly books most of his shows.

And then their meeting is awkwardly interrupted by yet another "surprise" visit from Jeff the jeweler, who brings nearly $30 million worth of diamonds for Lea to wear to her event. Of course, Lea is beside herself with joy and self-importance at the sight of all those shiny things.

Fertility Diamonds

Poor Lisa and Lenny are still struggling with conceiving a baby Hochstein. Lisa is about to start another cycle of fertility treatments that is both emotionally and physically taxing. Lenny thinks that their only other option if this doesn't work is surrogacy. Lisa really doesn't like the idea and would rather be having the baby herself, but Lenny explains to her that if this is the only way they can start a family, they have to take it.

Later, Lisa gets ready for the Gala on her own. She complains that Lenny is never there to go with her, but he does end up showing up a little late. And he comes bearing gifts! Of the diamond persuasion. A $400,000 necklace for Lisa as she goes through her next fertility treatment. I'm beginning to think that I need to snag myself a plastic surgeon to marry.

Gay Polo

Meanwhile, on the day of the Black Gala, Team Adriana, which is made up of Marysol, Ana, Lauren Foster and Alexia (sometimes), plan a trip on a party bus to Palm Beach for a gay polo match. Which I gather is a bunch of gay people watching other gay people play polo? Anyway, there are a lot of gays there.

Of course, the whole trip consists of everyone talking about what an evil diablo Lea is. It's basically the Latina Mean Girls 20 years later.

Alexia, who is also nursing a cold and has a hoarsey-horse voice, is feeling guilty about going to gay polo with Team Adriana while she and her husband are still planning on going to the Black Gala later that evening. She can't muster up the courage to tell the women all day that she's going until the last minute when her husband sends her a car.

She was right to feel reluctant about telling the other women, because as soon as she does the women turn on her. Marysol and Adriana are especially nasty, waving her away saying, "Just go, just go." Last week, Lea and Alexia had lunch and Lea told Alexia she would never tell her who to be friends with. This week, the other women are telling Alexia the exact opposite about being friends with Lea. They say that she's a liar and a hypocrite and manipulative, all without any kind of evidence that anything they're saying is actually true.

Alexia leaves with parting words, telling them all to "grow up because it's not about winning and losing." Unfortunately, she ultimately calls in sick to the Black Gala later anyway, mostly because she is really sick, but she also admits in her confessional that what her friends said earlier did influence her decision not to go.

The Infamous Black Gala

The Black Gala has finally arrived, and joining Taylor Hicks (who even plays his harmonica on the red carpet) at the event are other A-Listers such as Dennis Rodman, Sammy Sosa, Flo Rida, Karent Sierra, Elaine Lancaster, Lance Bass and Bernard Hopkins. If you didn't have to Google any of those names, congratulations, you are among the elite.

Lenny and Lisa spend a little time catching up with Romain and Joanna. Lenny is shocked to learn that Romain got into it with Frederic at last week's event. He suggests that next week the three guys have a sit-down to hash out their difference. How Real Housewives of New Jersey of them.

Lisa also thinks that it's pretty sad that the other women couldn't put aside their differences for the sake of Lea's charity. Even Alexia points out in a confessional that all the women were doing by boycotting Lea was boycotting a charitable cause, which isn't very classy at all.

Lea's auction starts off a little slow -- well, a lot slow -- with no one bidding on her items. Some Polish lady in a ridiculous neon bedazzled gown donates $10,000 in Joanna's name, who she says is the most beautiful Polish lady in the room. So that's weird.

Then the immortal Flo Rida performs, and of course his shirt comes off. Thus, Lea declares her annual Black Gala a success. Well, at least no one got slapped.

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(Image courtesy of Bravo)