The Lyin', the Witch and the Art Show on 'The Real Housewives of Miami'
The Lyin', the Witch and the Art Show on 'The Real Housewives of Miami'
Let's get one thing straight right off the bat: everyone pays. That's right, whether you have a normal looking face or a busted one, you don't just go to Lea Black's charity event without buying a ticket. Lea will make Cristy PAY! Oh, and last week on Watch What Happens Live, Lea called in and told Cristy she was working the room like a thousand dollar hooker. SUH-NAP.

So Lea is going to invoice Cristy, and that not only ballsy, but also pretty awesome. I'm starting to dislike Cristy and her black satin palazzo pants. If you ask Cristy, she was just doing it "in good faith," not because she needed to go to another charity event. Gross, this whole thing is just gross. I echo Cristy's sentiments, "I can't stand five more seconds of this conversation." LET'S DANCE! MIAMI!

It's Adriana's turn for this lunch thing that the Miami Housewives are doing, and she's late to her own party. According to Larsa, "thirty minutes is cute but an hour and a half is disgusting." Especially when it's your own party, probably. Adriana had a lot of excuses, hair appointments, makeup appointments, traffic, blah blah blah who cares. Tacky. MIAMI!

Dancing comes up again, just in case we forgot we were in Miami. Lea laughs after everything she says, as if to diffuse the vinegar in her comments. Not sure what to think about Lea. Or any of them, really.

Then Alexia talked to her son about something. A party? a band? money? Peter got his girlfriend a ring, but he's not financially independent, which makes the gift all the more special. What a catch.

Larsa called Scottie to talk about money some more. She wants to buy a car for her sixteen-year old brother, Sammy. Scottie is going into the Hall of Fame. Cars for everyone!

It's always something with Adriana, and in this episode it's the artist she's featuring in her gallery. He's kind of a nightmare, and a prick. This is a VIP event, get it together! Or maybe this guy knows that "VIP" means the likes of Gloria Estefan and Joe Francis so he doesn't care.

FINALLY, it's time for Marysol and her young boyfriend to visit with Elsa, Miami's Head Witch in Charge. She is the only thing that could save this show. She's wearing some sort of nightgown/luxury Snuggie with full makeup and jewelry. Everything she says and does is pure gold. This bitch loves wine, men who dress like girls, and doing whatever the hell she wants (like stealing flowers in Cuba).

Elsasuperstar.jpg"I'm a witch," Elsa tells Marysol's boyfriend while swilling her wine. If she's anything like Alison Dubois, the alcohol makes the psychic come out! Unfortunately, the scene is cut short as Marysol and her uncomfortable beau flee the scene. Outrage!

Sammy got a car and Adriana's art show is in trouble, but I have trouble caring after we got a taste of the sheer magnitude of Elsa. Anyway, the paintings got up on the walls and Marysol arrived at the show with Alexia, who donned her finest leopard print. Cristy and Larsa also show up to judge everything. Lea was there, in a painting on the wall. Then Lea showed up in person, looking like Ms. Frizzle at a burlesque-themed funeral.

LeaBlackcrazyperson.jpgAdriana was late again, but all I wanted to know was WHERE'S ELSA? She probably doesn't get out anymore.

Lars and Cristy leave early because, while they think art is "cool," they were bored. But what they missed was some mild drama. Adriana gave her clients a "preview" of the next artist her gallery would feature, but wound up slighting Marcos. Marcos's friend threw a hissy fit. We saw the drag queen again (this is her third episode without introduction!) and it makes me wish I was watching RuPaul's Drag Race. You can't just show a drag queen and expect us not to want more.

The art show turned ugly, and everyone came out of it looking bad. Oh, and someone walked through the wet piece of art because it was ON THE FLOOR AT A PARTY.

Next week Marysol gets a giant diamond ring, Cristy gets Lea's invoice, Alexia sees some pigs, and Adriana cries. More Elsa, please!

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(Images courtesy of Bravo)

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