Tonight on The Real Housewives of Miami
... someone will DIE! Spoiler alert: It's a pig. I'll let you decide how you feel about that.
Larsa's living in a zoo. When her kids do well in school, they get an award, so naturally they had to go pick up "some lizards" (as ya do!) and a rabbit. Hopefully the nannies can take care of the extra pets and
keep track of them and
try not to get nicknamed after one of them.
Alexia is going to a pig farm to kick off her
cooking party. She's going so that she can pick her very own pig to slaughter. Hell to the no. Alexia's just worried that the pig will stink. Most dead things do.
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Philippe just proposed to Marysol. It was relatively casual, aside from the ring that was not at all casual. It was an effing costume jewelry cocktail ring (in size). Oh, the ring was from Elsa's collection. Marysol has decided she wants to elope and get married in Aspen. Just in time for the season finale (in two weeks, I think)! I'm all for nothing taking longer than it needs to.
The pig is dead in Alexia's kitchen. Her husband wants her to cut it up some more or something and, understandably, she doesn't want to. Herman covers up the face with a napkin and assumes that will make everything OK. In the end, Herman breaks it, bastes it, then covers it up with a sheet and puts a candle on top. OK!
Lea Black has a bad sense of style. She loves the acid wash mom jeans and looking like a crazy person. Loves it. So watching Lea shop is a little painful. She tries on shirts on top of the shirt and jacket she's wearing, then adds a dress on top of that. She's not a shopper, she's a collector/buyer. She walked out of the store with even more ugly clothes.
Alexia went all out for her pig-eating party, so all the ladies threw on their best muumuus. Lea made a big deal about the pig, which didn't look nearly as nasty as it used to in the kitchen. She was like "OH MY GOSH! I CAN'T. I JUST CAN'T," and Herman loved it. So Lea doesn't eat meat, Larsa doesn't eat pork, and Alexia doesn't eat pork. Cool party.
They make the wine glasses huuuuge in Miami! Marysol and Philippe awkwardly announce that they're getting married and Lea, who kind of ruined the announcement, makes a joke about it not lasting long and Phillipe needing a green card. She's tacky. Laughing after you say something mean doesn't make it any less mean.
Elsa's back! They're going wedding dress shopping (or rather, "to see de gooowwwwns,"). Marysol brought a box of gowns, and Elsa was sad it wasn't food. She was so sad that her face started melting like the snow in Aspen. Marysol eventually chooses a gown to roll down the mountain in.
Alexia, the my-size Cuban Barbie, is much more fun to watch shopping. Alexia and Cristy try on clothes for a fashion show. News flash: We're not in New York! I bet you forgot. Or maybe you were wishing so hard that this was The Real Housewives of New York City
Lea bought the painting of herself that was from that disaster of a gallery show. It was $10,000 down the toilet. While Lea had Adriana, she wanted to sit her down and confront her about dancing with two young men at a bar. Or something. Lea's tacky and rude. The intervention was unnecessary.
So Lea actually invoiced Cristy for the gala tickets. Cristy says she paid, but the whole thing was tacky. Yeah, probably.
Marysol and Philippe are in Aspen already. I have no opinion about this union, because I don't feel like I know either of them very well at all. Marysol's feeling nervous because it's all happening so fast or because of the altitude.
Next week, Marysol gets married, Cristy and Lea fight, Adriana learns to pole dance, and SOMEONE WILL DIE (or not. Probably not).
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.(Image courtesy of Bravo)