The first part of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
season 7 reunion is an exercise in noise management. As the ladies shout over each other, cry with emotionless expressions and hand out snarky digs, tensions only heighten.
As reunions go, there's nothing really new on the table, so we're stuck in neutral, spinning our wheels about things that we've long grown tired of. But that doesn't mean everyone isn't still harboring some unresolved grudges from their running storylines. Oh, and PK turns up to talk about Erika's lady bits, naturally.
The Brand New Pre-Show
This might be the first time we've ever met up with the ladies before they hit the reunion stage. We see them in various stages of preparedness and learn what they're expecting from the day:
Kyle: This is her seventh. She hates it and knows it can be awful.
Dorit: This is her first and she's reluctantly optimistic, which she totally shouldn't be.
Lisa Rinna is looking to be redeemed over the Xanax smoothie nonsense.
Erika wants some accountability -- namely from Dorit
Lisa Vanderpump approaches this with humor and chilly grace. This is not her first rodeo either.
As the ladies settle, we learn that Erika and Rinna have the same gold pumps on, and fans have nicknamed Dorit "Doritos." I say, "Do better, Bravo watchers."
Erika and Dorit: The Shade War
A little montage has been put together of all the snarky things Dorit has said about Erika over the season, from the comments about her t-shirt dress to that disastrous dinner in Hong Kong. Dorit doesn't come out looking so great. It's clear that Dorit has lost this battle, and host Andy Cohen reminds her that one fan suggested that she is "clearly petty." Word.
The ladies come to the conclusion that Dorit talks a lot. It turns into quite the joke, but Dorit throws a thousand words at it. She doesn't even recognize the irony in the moment -- that she is defending herself against talking too much by talking way too much.
Erika and Eileen: Foot in Mouth in Hong Kong
Of course, we have to revisit that dinner. I know I should be feeling other things, but all I can do is stare at Erika's ugly cry face. I love her so much, but sheesh. The Botox is not doing her any favors on this night.
These two ladies have obviously patched things up, so this just feels like filler. Andy asks leading questions about how they're feeling and what what at the root of it. It all feels like deja vu. Erika admits that she didn't want to break down and that she had just texted her son while he was attending a funeral for a fellow officer.
What we didn't see about that trip was that Erika, as a peace offering, gifted Eileen her glam squad as an apology for vomiting all her unresolved emotions all over her. Erika's reaction is based on fear and worry, and she doesn't talk about him because he doesn't want her to. Duh.
Erika characterizes herself as "very sensitive" and that she chooses to reveal herself, slowly, to certain people. Everyone very pointedly agrees, and you can feel the subtext shooting right across the couch to Dorit.
Rinna, Vanderpump and Eileen -- Oh My
The highlight of the montage is Kyle confessing that Rinna is "a little easier to manipulate," with a close second going to Vanderpump doing a squeaky impression of Rinna shouting, "Own it! Own it!" It's so awkward watching them watch the ladies insult them. Yikes.
Eileen -- bless her heart -- is the most diplomatic person on the planet. She gets Vanderpump to apologize for all the insults disguised as "British humor." You can tell that Eileen and Vanderpump might be actual friends because they have an easiness between them. It's like they are actively trying not to feud. Yawn!
Vanderpump even softens a little on Rinna. But Rinna can't let sleeping dogs lie. Rinna takes issue with how Vanderpump defended Dorit, and there's some back and forth until it comes to a screeching halt with tears over a pilot who passed away. It seems like a pretty shaky base to rebuild their friendship on, but they're crying through their mink eyelashes, so it seems kinda real.
Dorit's Dumb Accent and Other Dumb Things About Her
I don't want to talk about Dorit's accent because if we do, it gives it life and I'd rather stick my pen directly in my eye.
Naturally, we have to run down how obnoxiously rich Dorit is. In case you forgot, she has five-plus nannies, three full-time housekeepers and an assistant -- and Boy George lives with her. The wealth is nauseating yet wildly inspirational. Any woman who can con her husband into buying her a Birkin bag for completing a dare is in a different league than I am. I just don't really want to think about what else she had to do to get it. Blech.
The fans aren't having this nanny nonsense. They criticize the sheer volume of help she has. Kyle and Erika quickly explain that they didn't have nannies, but they "don't judge." Yeah, right. I mean, if I could afford it, I'd probably have all that help too. But I'm still gonna throw shade all over it.
The Beverly Hills Lifestyle
We get it, Andy and the reunion producers. These women are rich. Do we really need to have a montage of the most expensive, posh, luxurious moments of the season? Who am I kidding? Of course, we do. Even though it makes me want to punch them all, I don't watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills for the philanthropy and contributions to society.
Erika's Pink Elephant
Yup. We're back to talking about Erika's vagina, and now Dorit is comparing it to a pink elephant. Not really. Well, maybe. PK is on the scene, and he's as slimy as you remember. He's the only husband on the couch, and he admits to feeling a little bit nervous -- as he should.
When Andy turns the talk to Erika's "hoo-ha," you can tell that Erika is humiliated and very uncomfortable. I hate to see her feeling so out of sorts, looking down and flushed. Shame on Andy for making us relive it with PK in tow. I need a shower.
PK tries to apologize in the most non-apology kind of way. Vanderpump leaps to her fellow Brit's defense, and mayhem ensues. He says he's there to defend Dorit, even though he literally just said she can defend herself.
We don't get the full story, since this is only part one. There's more to come about the pink elephant in the room next time.
What do you think was the biggest debate of the night? And what was the most important feud covered? Let us know what you think in the comments section below.
(Image courtesy of Bravo)