Are you all pumped for Carlton's pool party where strippers work poles in her backyard in Beverly Hills? No? Well, I'm sorry, because that's what we're working with here in this week's episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Ain't No Party Like a Pool Party
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Carlton can't stand going to boring parties. She recruits her kids to help her decorate, but they aren't invited because Carlton describes it as an Eyes Wide Shut
Once she ships her kids off to Granny's house (why didn't Granny get an invite?), people from Hustler come in with even more boxes full of sexy party favors or something. Carlton also supervises over some of the pole dancers getting their bodies painted.
Carlton thinks that all of her new friends are going to get a more honest look at who she really is. Lisa arrives in a white sundress and immediately feels conservatively dressed. She also wastes no time before she tells Brandi that she needs to go to the doctor over her broken wrist. And Brandi wastes no time before she gets offended at Lisa's nagging.
Yolanda, in her fierce American flag swimsuit, is a little taken aback by the "twerking" strippers. Ken even covers poor Giggy's eyes at the site of pole dancers in the bright Beverly Hills sun. Carlton invited Joyce even though she thinks Joyce can be a bit dramatic. But Joyce is surprisingly down for a bit of Carlton pool party stripper fun.
In tactful Kyle fashion, Kyle asks to see Carlton's tattoo. She asks Carlton if that is "a Jewish star." Carlton is a bit offended, telling her it's a five-point star. How dare she get the two confused? But she makes up for it by offering to give Carlton a piece of jewelry right off her neck that she admired. Carlton finally accepts Kyle's offer of good will with what seems like a genuine feeling. She even admits in her confessional that she might have been wrong about Kyle.
For once, it's a Real Housewives
pool party with people actually getting in the pool. Kyle shows her insecurity by trying to hand feed all of the skinny girls french fries because they're "too skinny," which is just Kyle speak for "skinnier than Kyle."
All kidding aside, Carlton's party seems kind of great. It's sexy, there's lots of booze and a pool, and most important, there's no full-out brawl so common among Housewives
parties these days.
While the rest of the ladies are getting tequila shots from naked women paid to have their bodies painted, Kim goes to a Hollywood Collector show where she and several other B stars of yesteryear sign autographs and meet fans. Kim loves that her fans span across so many different age groups and backgrounds, and it's nice to see Kim happy. But it's also a bit sad that she still has a case of Child Star Syndrome and needs adoration of strangers to gratify her.
She has a strange encounter with one Jimmy McNichol, who she describes as a Jonas Brother of her day (which his incredibly short Wikipedia
entry would probably suggest otherwise) who she had a major crush on as a youth. He oozes over to her with his Eric Stoltz (a la The Mask
) type charm and asks her why they never dated. Uhh ... maybe because you're an uber-skeeze?
After Kim takes a picture with a bald tattooed lady's werewolf baby doll (which I'm not even going to touch), one of her fans gives Kim her great-grandmother's diamond turtle pin. I'm sorry, this is going to sound harsh, but who is this lady and why is she a Kim Richards super-fan? If you're reading this, turtle pin lady, please tell us your story. Down in the Lemon Grove
At Yo's house, she's finally found a use for her fresh lemons besides making the master cleanse. Who knew that you could make lemonade from lemons with actual sugar (or, in more likelihood, some form of artificial sweetener). She's invited the girls over to help her paint some tiles for Gigi to take with her when she goes away to college. Because nothing says "a piece of home" quite like an art project made by your mom's catty friends.
Yolanda's upset when Lisa texts her to cancel last minute. She says if she were a real friend, she would have cancelled the previous night like Kim and Kyle did. But Joyce, Carlton and Brandi show up to do arts and crafts on the Foster estate.
While painting a pentagram on poor Gigi's future dorm art, Carlton brings up the fact that she thinks Kyle is talking "sh**" about her religion because she had a dream about it. Everyone assures her that they've heard no such thing, but Carlton refuses to let it drop.
After Brandi jokingly brings up Kyle being afraid of her because she was afraid she'd cast a spell on her, Joyce says that kind of thing only has power if you believe in it. Carlton, without making eye contact (don't you have to make eye contact when you cast spells?), tells Joyce that she can believe whatever she wants to believe, but to "watch out when you get home."
Joyce is convinced that Carlton's spell-casting will have no affect on her because she has God's power and protection. She tells Kim the next day at Pilates that her husband, unfortunately, doesn't have the same spiritual insurance. Because that same night after Joyce got home from finger painting, her husband got really sick! From the spell! Carlton really is the smartest witch in her year! Like Sands Through the Hourglass...
Poor Kyle had to miss out on arts and crafts at Yo's because she was preparing for a guest role (her character didn't even have a name, it was simply "Talent Agent") on Days of Our Lives
. She waxes poetic to the hired help about how young she was when she started acting that she couldn't even read her scripts.
She talks about how her mother was a dramatically trained actress, but after she had kids at such a young age, she literally pushed her dreams on to them, by forcing kids who couldn't even read yet to go into acting. It's actually kind of sad when Kyle talks about how she just wanted to go to school and then to college to maybe become a lawyer, but her mom had her and her sister on movie sets instead. She then laments the fact that none of her daughters ever caught the acting bug, but at least while this may be a tad disappointing to her, she didn't force any of them into it.
At the studio, she tries to talk to the poor hair and makeup people like she's the expert, even going so far as to namedrop George Clooney. Girl, these people were probably the first to put the salt into Clooney's salt-and-pepper hair. Just stop, you're embarrassing yourself.
She eventually comes to the conclusion that she's good at acting and she's happy to have gotten back into the game, which is apparently the point of this segment. Thank goodness it's over. And thank goodness this episode is over. Phew. We made it.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
airs Mondays at 8pm on Bravo.(Image courtesy of Bravo)