'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: Divas in the Desert
'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: Divas in the Desert
Gina Pusateri
Gina Pusateri
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
It's time to get back to the desert, where the ladies of Beverly Hills are complaining about the heat (yet no one wants to get in the pool) and lack of wait-service on their free getaway, while today I trudged through two inches of snow and shared a subway seat with a sleeping bum. Let's get to it, shall we?

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Crazy A-Hole

While usually I'm anything but Team Kyle, I must say that Yolanda and Brandi unfairly ganged up on her in the last episode. In fact, the last thing that happened was Brandi accused Kyle of acting sweet and then really being a "crazy a-hole."

That's the point where Lisa finally stands up for Kyle and tells Brandi to stop. Kyle says she's never come after Brandi and never been an a-hole to her (besides the time she, you know, hid Brandi's crutches when she had a broken foot). Finally, Kyle and Yolanda agree to disagree.

Yolanda excuses herself, and Brandi continues to have a go at Kyle. She says that they're "friends" because if they weren't, Brandi has a million bad things that she could say about Kyle. At that point, Kyle excuses herself to go sob in the bathroom. Yolanda hears her and approaches to comfort her and the two have a nice moment. Yolanda hugs her and is surprisingly tender given her normal rough Dutch demeanor. Yolanda tells her that she understands she's going through some hard times with her husband being in the tabloids, but life's too short to carry on a feud so the two of them can move on.

Kim comes in to comfort Kyle, too, and then Lisa follows her shortly. In a hilarious moment, Kim shuffles to try to either remove or adjust some undergarments, so Lisa herds her into the bathroom so neither she nor the cameras have to see Kim undressing. Lisa gives Kyle a hug, and the two are trying to share a moment when Kim bursts back out of the bathroom to tell off Lisa for telling her what to do all night.

Lisa leaves, upset at being told off by Kim, whom she clearly thinks herself better than. (To be fair, Lisa Vanderpump is better than most people). And now Kyle is mad at Kim for ruining her moment with Lisa, who she is still trying to repair a friendship with.

Back in the dining room, people have lost track of who is fighting with who. The one thing that's clear is that Brandi is still as drunk as a skunk, only now she's confronting Kim about her relationship status with Yolanda. Kim tells Yolanda she would like to start fresh with their friendship, and Yolanda says they can do that but she has to put in the work.

No Vacation

Later that evening, everyone manages to relax. Kyle and Joyce go for a dip now that the other women aren't peer pressuring them. Kyle even takes her top off to emotionally unwind. Joyce claims that she would have stood up to the women if she weren't trying to be such a gracious host. Mmmkay.

Carlton and Brandi sneak out of their bungalow to go spy on Yolanda and Lisa. But they meet them outside because, of course, Lisa and Yolanda were just on their way to spy on them. Lisa literally has to pry a wine bottle out of Brandi's hands that she has been drinking from directly, something that Brandi is obviously not too pleased about. She gives Lisa the death glare and tells her to go "strategize some more." Because that's apparently an insult.

The next day, in true Brandi fashion, she regrets absolutely nothing. Lisa apologizes for treating her like a child, but Brandi seems to take it in turn, saying that it's okay because sometimes she acts like a child.

Fresh Mountain Air

Joyce (aka Jacqueline) arranges for the women to take a tram to the top of the mountain for a picnic. Except Joyce, Kyle and Brandi all claim to be deathly afraid of heights so they spend most of the time whining.

At the top of the mountain, Kim and Carlton share a special moment when they have a connection with some squirrels. I mean, I'm not even quite sure what else to say about that.

Later, Kim takes a moment to kneel (next to a garbage can) to do some praying. Carlton defends her against mean girls Lisa and Yolanda, who have to make fun of her. I mean, it is kind of weird behavior, but Kim's a recovering addict, can we please cut her some slack?

At their picnic lunch, Yolanda invites them all to a dinner at her place on Tuesday, where the Canadian Tenors might make an appearance. Everyone says, "Yes, of course," despite the hot mess that was their dinner the previous night. Because everyone knows you don't pull that kind of nonsense at Yolanda's.

Yolanda and Lisa are both leaving after the mountain excursion because they both have previous engagements. Yolanda is worried about leaving Brandi with these women, but Brandi assures her that she can handle herself by just pretending to be nice, like what Joyce does all the time. At this point, throwing shade at Joyce is like Brandi's full-time job.

A Dinner for the Dogs

Now that Yolanda and Lisa are gone, everyone seems to be getting along famously. Brandi even helps Joyce cook dinner. Then Joyce comes to the brilliant deduction that Brandi might be a different person when massively under the influence of alcohol. But I have a feeling that it might also have a lot to do with Yolanda, and Brandi wanting to impress her by being nasty to others, specifically Joyce.

All of the ladies are enjoying their dinner when Brandi gets a phone call from her assistant, who says that her house had been broken into and now her dog, Chica, is missing. Brandi is so upset, but the ladies are all there to comfort her because they all have pets that they love like children. Joyce tries to be helpful when she says that she'd lost a dog before, to which Brandi snaps that it's not a competition. And Brandi's right back to hating-Joyce-for-no-real-reason mode.

Brandi decides that she has to leave to go find Chica, who Kyle points out is like a child to her when her real human kids are with their father, famous scumbag Eddie Cibrian. And Carlton goes with her in the limo and away from the desert.

Congratulations, Joyce, you may have just thrown the worst girls getaway trip in Real Housewives history.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Mondays at 8pm on Bravo.

(Image courtesy of Bravo)