'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: Cirque de Housewives
'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: Cirque de Housewives
Gina Pusateri
Gina Pusateri
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
Are you all still reeling from the nerve Kyle Richards had to kill that bee? What about that strange dinner party where Brandi called Carlton a c-word (in her own home!) and she just LOLed? Well, hold onto your hats like a Housewife holds onto a grudge at a reunion -- there's a whole episode worth of passive-aggressive bickering to get to.

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Trashy Fun

The episode starts off with Brandi and Carlton going to an actual lingerie shop called Trash. And immediately, Brandi is drawn to heart-shaped handcuffs because of course she is, even though she is no longer boinking her good-looking realtor friend.

Even though Carlton is very attracted to Brandi and may want to take her back to her castle and put a lady-spell on her in her ginormous bed, she agrees to help Brandi find a man. Of course, her way of helping involves Brandi writing a list of exactly what she's looking for and then burying it with a crystal, naked, when there's a full moon. And she's not joking. This is not a joke.

Speaking of trashy, Ken surprises Lisa with an adorable golden retriever puppy, which she names Rumpy Pumpy. Little did she know that this name, when Googled, may or may not have a slang definition of "butt sex." But don't worry, Lisa finds it as amusing as Giggy finds his new little/big brother annoying.

Kyle and Mauricio meet Joyce and her husband, Michael, for lunch basically to deny Mauricio's affair for the entire time they're there pretending to eat their fancy pizza. They are really heavy-handed, in the way that makes you think that they're not telling the truth. I honestly didn't believe that Mauricio would cheat on Kyle until this very scene where they just seem to be two kids caught with their hands in the cookie jar but adamantly maintain that you didn't catch them.

Two Clowns Short of a Circus

Yolanda's daughters, Gigi and Bella, have fun raiding their mom's closet while Gigi tries to pack for her trip to London. While Yolanda admits to having a rough exterior, she says she's really going to miss Gigi once she moves to New York for college. For as kooky as Yolanda sometimes seems about getting on her daughter for having a model-perfect body, she does seem to stress teaching her daughters to also be independent and that they have to earn their own money as adults despite their privilege they had as kids.

Kim is organizing a field trip for the ladies to Cirque School where they can all hopefully get past their differences to achieve great things like swinging on linens and doing the spread-eagle on gymnastic swings. Unfortunately, things are still icy between her and Yolanda after last season's reunion when Kim accused Yolanda of talking trash about Lisa behind her back.

Not only that, but Brandi's feeling a little salty about Kyle. Apparently, she was out with her kids when a paparazzi accused her of bullying Kyle at the dinner party at Carlton's. But Kim tells her to button up and keep a positive attitude for the day.

But as soon as all of the ladies get there, Kim starts to make a real serious speech about how they need to check all their baggage at the door and just be there to support each other. It's awkward and off-putting, in a way only Kim Richards could deliver a speech that's essentially about having fun at circus school. The ladies react trying to lighten the mood, and Yolanda quips something about "Why so serious?" or something and then Kim shuts her down, telling her that she's rude. Which is pretty rude.

And things devolve from there. Kyle tries to stick up for Kim while Lisa and Brandi stick up for Yolanda. Even Carlton says she doesn't think Yolanda was being rude. But anyway, so much for a happy, positive, drama-free energy that Kim wanted.

Though they had a rocky start, all of the ladies seem to have fun enough with their acrobatics. Lisa quips about Brandi being so talented on the swing because she has one in her bedroom, and then Kyle calls her lady parts a "tweeter." So, business as usual.

Kyle sees Brandi talking to the other ladies about the paparazzi incident and decides to approach her about it. She tells Brandi that she didn't tell the tabloids that she had been bullied, that those were words she never used. Brandi is obviously not buying it.

Bullies Bully

Because this is a very important argument, it continues when the ladies go to lunch after cirque school. Kyle continues to deny saying anything to the press, but for the record, she did think what Brandi said at the lunch was mean. Brandi maintains that she gave Kyle a heads up about the situation that she happened to find herself in a few years ago when the tabloids said her husband was cheating, and he actually was.

Carlton says that she would have had more fun at the activity of the day had there not been so much negative energy there to begin with. She says she doesn't know the history between the sisters Richards and Yolanda, but she didn't think Yolanda was being rude. When Kim and Kyle start to try and trash Yolanda, Brandi accuses them of being malicious gossips for waiting to talk about her until after she left.

And in the midst of this chaos, beauty queen Joyce pulls Lisa aside because she "doesn't like gossip" and she wanted to confront her directly. She accuses her of being rude and snappy toward her at Carlton's lunch when she brushed Joyce's hand away from her face when she got in her personal space. Lisa denies acting the way Joyce claims she acted but, being a lady, apologizes anyway. In her confessional, Lisa basically calls Joyce a dramatic, crazy person, and she is basically right.

Oh, Joyce, you may have a tiara, but you'll soon learn that Lisa Vanderpump is the queen, honey.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Mondays at 8pm on Bravo.

(Image courtesy of Bravo)