'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Get Cabin Fever
'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Get Cabin Fever
So, last time we left the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, they were at Camille's home in Beaver Creek, Colorado. Taylor got very emotional in the hot tub, and Lisa thinks this might be the wine talking. She's also SO thin, so it wouldn't take much wine in a hot tub to get the tears flowing, right? Then Kim was trying to take a nap, and drunk Taylor lies down on the bed crying. She's like, "I'm drunk and a mess. You can relate, right, Kim?"

All of Taylor's secrets are coming out. But let's not lose sight of the fact that Kim's wearing cheetah print pajamas. Taylor begs Kim to forgive her and Kim is like, "whatever!" And they burst into a gale of forced laughter.

Then, the weirdest thing happened. Kyle and Adrienne looked for everyone because dinner was about to start, and drunk Taylor was popping in and out of Kim and Kyle's closet. Kyle assumed this was just drunken merriment, so she laughed with Taylor, who had piled herself into a suitcase and declared, "I wanna go home!" like a little girl. I bet she's one of those girls who thinks she's really fun when she's drunk.

OK Taylor, time to get your pretty on. "The alcohol, the altitude, and being so thin," has made Taylor insane. We call Kim in because Kim knows how to handle alcohol problems. So Taylor looks for some makeup, then runs to Lisa crying. Because her makeup was gone. But it wasn't gone. She wasn't even making sense.

Once they found the makeup bag and Taylor swore a lot about all the sh*t she wasn't dealing with, she sat down on the bed and cried some more. Adrienne declares it a nervous breakdown, and worst of all ... they're all stuck in Beaver Creek, Colorado!

Camille manages to make it about her, though. "Why does this always happen to ME at MY dinner parties!?" At least that's a distraction from Taylor's irrational behavior. Here are things Taylor said within the course of five minutes:

"I never eat."

"And I'm putting lipgloss on for what?"

"Oh my god the Tyoona Tarrr Tarrr."

Adrienne confronted a glassy-eyed/demon-possessed Taylor about having a nervous breakdown, and Satan denied it but then Taylor came out for hugs and apologies. Then as they're taking their seats, Taylor blames her meltdown on Camille and staying in her son's room!

"I think it's staying in Mason's room," she cries, "and recognizing what he did to you. It could happen to my own child." Oh Jesus. Don't let this woman come to dinner! Kim and her Toddlers & Tiaras style fall tried to make things better but in typical Kim fashion, things just got worse! That poor chef.

Meanwhile in LA, Paul, Ken, and Mauricio go have a good time. As they do. But they just ended up talking about their wives and gossiping about Russell and Taylor's marriage.

Speaking of Russell and Taylor's marriage, the topic of abuse comes up at dinner. What a fun party! Also, an insane party. How do you even try to hang out with people in that state? No not Taylor, I mean Kim.

FINALLY it's over. The women arrive back in Beverly Hills, and back in their limos. Adrienne and Kyle discuss how way-too-thin Taylor is, and how inane her behavior was. Camille goes home to hang out with D.D. and decide whether or not she wants to maintain 5 acres of land. #richgirlproblems.

Kyle is just glad that Taylor was the craziest person in the room and not her sister Kim this time. If only Kim were self-aware enough to be glad of that, too. Remember when she accused Kyle of stealing her house? That was weird.

Lisa doesn't give a rat's ass. She just wants to expand one of her restaurants. And something is going on with Adrienne and the Sacramento Kings but bleh, sports. The man in my life tells me, "people are pissed about how sh*tty the Kings are." So people might throw drinks, but Adrienne is tough, and she packed her throwing wine.

Taylor meets with Melanie, her life coach. Is the life coach why Taylor has gotten so thin? Taylor tells Melanie that she thinks she had a panic attack. I don't think that's what that was. Taylor has definitely decided to blame it on outside influences other than alcohol. At least Melanie is British. That's the first step to getting your life back on track.

Adrienne and Paul get in a fight about the Sacramento trip and staying in the suite that might or might be dangerous because of the tens of hundreds of people who care about the Kings. For whatever reason, Adrienne invited Kim on this Danger Date, but Kim isn't there when they get to the airport.

Adrienne calls Kim and oh, what a mess.

"Hey it's Adrienne,"
"Oh my god I would never do this to you guys, I'm so sorry, I just have a prob--I feel horrible ... I love the airport and there's nice planes over there, but still ... not cool!" and then she talked about a ponytail, and she just sounded ill. Paul calls it like he sees/hears it: "She sounded intoxicated!" But that's just an allegation.

Next week, we meet Brandi Glanville!

(images courtesy of Bravo)