So you watched the latest Real Housewives of Beverly Hills episode
and want to throw an uncomfortable, unpleasant or otherwise unbearable game night of your very own? Who DOESN'T?
Luckily, it doesn't take a professional party planner with King Tut's wealth and Burger King's culinary prowess (ahem, Dana
) to throw the ultimate Game Night from Hell. You, too, can alienate your frenemies and ensure that none of them will want to come over to your home ever again
by following these simple Game Night steps that really put the "FUN!" in "fundamentally the worst."
YOUR ROLE AS HOSTESS:
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Your main job is to make everyone as uncomfortable as possible. There are several ways to do this, but Dana is the master, so try to just do what she did. First, dress like you're going out for a bachelorette party in Vegas. Then, brag about which famous designer made what you're wearing and how much every item cost. When someone you barely know talks about an upcoming vacation or favorite get-away spot, invite yourself along! Don't take no for an answer. Encourage everyone to call you by a silly fake name because haha! you're such a kooky hostess!
, and then immediately change your mind because hey! you're the hostess and they should show you some respect!
When in doubt, just act like a high schooler getting drunk for the first time when her parents are out of town.SET-UP:
The less furniture, the better. Ideally, have no furniture in your home at all. Maybe just a table for the desserts. But that's IT. Forcing everyone to wonder basic things like where they're going to sit down and scary things like whether you're a squatter in a giant 70's porn castle becomes a game in and of itself!
WHAT TO SERVE:
Focus on booze and desserts. Everyone will have a better time if
they're drunk, right? Lay out an assortment of inedibles shaped to all too literally fit
the theme. Anything rectangular can be made to look like a domino
(everyone's favorite game!) with a little frosting. Of course, don't
forget to construct your own showpiece. Again, the theme is more
important than taste, so if you need to throw olives, marshmallows,
candy corn or whatever else on your creation, do it. If you want, throw in a
little hint of savory with some stale bread sticks
to add dimension to
The ideal Game Night buffet.WHAT TO PLAY:Sorry!
Gameplay in this classic board game is the same, but with one crucial change: When you pass or obstruct someone else's piece on the board, only say sorry in a backhanded, sarcastic or hurtful way, as in "Sorry I'm prettier than you," or "Sorry your sister is on drugs."Word Twister
Played like normal Twister
but with a biting twist
, everyone stands on the floor mat while someone else sits out with the spinner. After the spinner calls the combination ("Right hand blue," "Left hand green," etc.), everyone ignores that instruction and instead points at someone else and says a hurtful insult or accusation
about their life, family or body. The last person left standing (not crying in the bathroom) wins!LIFE
Add the "Silver Spoon" rule: Skip any step that includes being poor, getting an education, holding down a real job or living in some sort of shack. Roll again until you get something better. Or, better yet, just throw away the board, distribute all the $100,000 bills and take turns adding blue and yellow children pegs to your tiny plastic (BMW) minivans.Trivial Pursuit
Instead of trying to answer impossible questions about history and geography (borrrr-iiiing), everyone sits around and talks about their upcoming charity brunches and guest judging spots on Hair Battle Spectacular.Celebrity: Shameless Brag Edition
Only play the names of people: you know personally, you saw at a party that one time, are your nieces or did coke with you in a club bathroom in the 80s.Yachtzee
Played the same as the normal game, but whoever wins gets to convince her husband to buy her a new yacht!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Pin the Label on the Drunky
Oh, this is a fun one! Who in the room is drunkest? Tie them down and take turns pinning badges bearing judgmental words and phrases onto their clothes and skin. Can also be played blindfolded, but be careful not to pop any injections or implants.More Game Ideas: Make Up Your Own Rules
What, do I have to do everything for you? Just make up the rules for these party pleasers as you go along. Most of your guests will be too upset and/or intoxicated to know the difference, anyway: Taboo: Etiquette Edition; Guess Who (Said Something Mean About You Behind Your Back); Loaded Questions; Girl Talk; Apples to Appletinis.
That's all it takes. Have fun at your game night torture party! Don't forget to e-vite me! (firstname.lastname@example.org) (Images courtesy of Bravo)