If your life was getting too boring, don't worry, it's Thursday and it's time for our weekly dose of the extravagant lifestyles afforded us vicariously through The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
. Taylor's daughter is turning 4, not 40, FOUR, so Taylor is throwing her a birthday party and getting her diamonds. Not rhinestones, not a charm bracelet--diamonds. The creepies over at the jewelry store recommend the Barbie collection, which I didn't even know existed. This is not happening! The jewelers convince Taylor that each little girl at the party needs
a necklace from the Barbie collection, in addition to Taylor's necklace that will match her daughter's. As someone who finds a dime on the ground and says, "jackpot!" this is unfathomable. Also, is it just me getting used to them or do Taylor's lips look a little less inflated?
Lisa VanderPump, my favorite Beverly Hills Housewife, is having her daughter, Pandora home for dinner. Pandora is old enough for diamonds, if anyone is. Max, Lisa's 18-year old son, has been getting in trouble so he was sent away to Idaho. This is, apparently, the worst punishment the Brits can come up with.
Adrienne Maloof has kids, too. She has three boys, ages six, four, and four (twins). Like most young children, they have fun saying things like, "poo poo butt." Just watch an episode of Supernanny
, they love it. If anyone can handle parenting, you'd think it would be mega-mogul Adrienne, but she tells us it's tough. There is no hope!
Camille is taking her family (her kids plus two nannies, her house manager, and her best friend whose name never looks right when I try to spell it) to Hawaii. Would you want to go to Hawaii with Camille? I don't think I would, except she always makes sure the hot tub is heated. That would be nice.
Time for more party planning. Taylor wants it to be upscale, even though it's a birthday party for a child who is too young to have fun doing anything except saying, "poo poo butt." But in addition to the 25 little girls, 30 grown-up ladies are coming. Kyle is also planning a birthday party. Kyle's party, however, is far more hilarious. Kyle has hired a party planner named Glenn, who is wearing a trucker hat and has the groundbreaking idea to do a "princess party." You go, Glenn Coco!
Taylor is doing high tea (sandwiches, scones, pink velvet cake), Kyle is doing chicken skewers and mac 'n cheese. Taylor would never have anything "'n" anything at her party. Glenn missed a button on his shirt, Taylor's florist is creating a magical illusion where it looks like the flower teapot is pouring flowers into a flower cup. I love a good battle of the parties.
Listening to Camille talking about Hawaii made me want to cut my ears off and eat them, which totally happened in tonight's episode of CSI. Was there anything more annoying than when Camille said, "I stay north of Kona in a private community that we have a home in nnhm,"? Knowing how things turn out for her, I have wanted to have sympathy for Camille, but she is so awful. I wish that instead of Camille, Glenn the Party Planner was one of the Real Housewives.
It is also Lisa's birthday! She's not having a big event, so she's out of the competition. At her birthday lunch, Max comes for a surprise visit and makes Lisa cry (in a good way).
To torture us as much as possible, Bravo takes us back to Hawaii to watch Camille get in the hot tub with a dirty old man named Carl. He keeps telling her how good she's looking, because her boobs will provide flotation to safety should someone drown in the hot tub. Then Camille talked about her "Jesus complex" and how she just wants to help people. I just want her to go away.
Lisa brings Max to the Musicians Institute because he's very interested in music. Still, Lisa thinks bringing him to toxic Los Angeles could be a mistake. Max loves it; Lisa's worried about drugs. Assured of their zero-tolerance policy, it looks like Max is going to fulfill his destiny as a guitar player.
Kim found a house and she did it all on her own! Now if she could only figure out how that darn oven works. And you call yourself a housewife . . .
The day of the parties is upon us! Kim is moving into her house on the day of Kyle's party, so she is instantly dismissed. As Kyle gets a train ride delivered, Taylor goes over the final details at the Houdini Estate. Yes, that is a thing. Taylor's party is beyond extravagant, and it should because Kennedy's fourth birthday party cost the Armstrongs $60,000. Kennedy found it overwhelming and wanted to go upstairs (to jump on the bed and make up new words with "poop" in them, probably). This is Taylor's party anyway, so let's go ahead and take some creepy pictures of her enjoying it.
Portia, Kyle's daughter, is turning 2, so naturally her party cost $12,000. There's a petting zoo, a bounce house (good one, Glenn!), and more of the Housewives. Lisa will be sampling both parties, and finds them far too decadent. I like you, Lisa. Taylor's party is better for adults. Russell, as usual, is asking to get some food. Cheeeeeeeers.
At Kyle's party, it looks like the kids are having a good time, despite the absent $48,000 dollars' worth of expenses. What does it even matter, the kids at Portia's party are too young to remember it and the adults at Kennedy's will be too drunk to remember it.
But the party isn't over. There's a mad hatter with a cat on his shoulder, first of all, but we overlook that to watch Taylor overreact to her own gift because her daughter had no idea what was going on and was crying. So Kennedy didn't give a damn about the necklace from the Barbie collection, but Russell found a way to both overshadow and undermine Taylor in one swift move. He got Kennedy a puppy.
So at the end of the day, Taylor went to bed angry, Kennedy went to bed overstimulated, and Russell went to bed knowing that he's still in control. Another successful birthday?
Check back tomorrow as we see out how the parties stacked up (and we'll do the math!)
(images courtesy of Bravo)