Right off the bat, NeNe sees a plastic surgeon (yay! I love it when the Housewives are open about their plastic surgery and we get to see it). She wants to get a breast reduction; what would Kim think!? NeNe also wants her doctor to take the "pooch" out. But it's another step toward NeNe getting her happy back, so it's happening. Finally, NeNe wants to get her nose "touched up a little bit on each side." She doesn't want to look like Dwight or anything, but she's starting to order a Happy Meal of plastic surgery a la Heidi Montag.
Mr. and Mrs. Google Me
Now it's time to meet Kim's parents, who Kim doesn't look like anymore. It is hard to get over Kim's dad's mustache. They enjoy wine (with ice cubes in it?) courtesy of Big Poppa, who Kim is back together with (whaaaa?). Her parents also agree that Kim needs to start going to church because she's wearing a bejeweled crucifix. Kim wants to get Ariana baptized but the church won't let her in because she doesn't go. Time to make a phone call to Big Poppa! Then Kim shows her parents the YouTube video of her at the White Party and, while endlessly proud, they decide now is the time to have a conversation about "fame over family." Because it's going THAT well.
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With her personal trainer, Sheree reflects on her successful (well, good enough) first date. For their second date, he's hosting a seminar on "why black women can't find successful black men." That sounds like it will be about as much fun as the first date. Equal amounts of no fun.
Alienation at the Steeplechase
Cynthia, Phaedra, and Dwight are going to the Steeplechase, which is a lot like the Kentucky Derby. It's a classy event, which Dwight and Phaedra have managed to tackify. According to Cynthia, "Phaedra looked like a black Tammy Faye Baker and Dwight looked like Willy Wonka." Peter was disappointed that Dwight was taking Apollo's place. In the limo, Phaedra and Dwight talk up Phaedra and Apollo's wedding, then Phaedra condemned Cynthia and Peter for living together before their wedding. Phaedra also mentioned that she didn't want a man "with a bunch of crazy kids everywhere," and Peter admits that he has five kids. Not picking up that this was already an awkward moment, Phaedra continues with, "I can't deal with those baby mommas . . . I said, Lord send me somebody with no baggage . . . you gotta bring me somebody clean." Making friends: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.
NeNe, after making her laundry list of plastic surgeries, reveals that she hates doctors and hospitals. Sheree and Kandi both think this is NeNe's way of coping with stress/marital problems. To that, NeNe took to her Twitter to say, "Who stress out & have surgery? I had it because I wanted it & when I write the check, I do what I wanna do! Now get with that." I hate hospitals too, but watching NeNe go under anesthesia was hilarious.
Meanwhile, at the steeplechase! Phaedra will not shut up about how awesome and classy she is. She's throwing the baby shower to end all baby showers and has decided that "for a model, Cynthia's not that bad," so Cynthia is invited. Yay!
The Ring Don't Mean a Thing
Kim visits Kandi at the studio, as Kandi is working on the details for her new album. Kim's like, "ohhh I love it ... so anyway let's talk about me." Kim went on Jimmy Kimmel Live and he (jokingly) told her that she should write her next song about Big Poppa. So Kim wants to release a new song. OH GOD! Kandi thinks it would be fun to do a little tour together with Kim, which is pretty much Kandi agreeing to create and manipulate another song for Kim. But Kim wants to do country music (YES!). Basically, Kim is fantasizing about her new hit country song, "The Ring Don't Mean a Thing." At least Kandi is demanding a producer fee this time around.
NeNe's surgery is over and she's still a little loopy. Delightfully, NeNe asks her friend Diana to call Kim and Sheree for her, and has a short conversation with both of them. Later on, Kim visits and cheers NeNe up, even though she didn't bring any wine. Kim says if NeNe's boobs look good, she's going to the same guy (uhhh?). I like it when Kim and NeNe are friends. NeNe's sons aren't exactly supportive and Gregg is nowhere to be found.
Who opens the ketchup?
At Tiy-E Muhammad's well-attended relationship seminar, Sheree learns a thing or two about what Tiy-E Muhammad wants. He wants a woman who is "real" and willing to do the dishes. It's better for all this to come out on the second date, I suppose. To her surprise, Sheree is called up to the front to be part of a panel. Sheree fails his test in every way, saying she would open the ketchup, but admitting to us that she goes to restaurants that are so nice there are no bottles of ketchup. At the end of the day, however, Sheree is still attracted to Tiy-E Muhammad because he takes control. He invites her over so he can cook for her and Sheree is already eating it up.
Phaedra's Second Wedding
The baby shower is upon us! Dwight gets his makeup done and admits that he feels like it's his big day as well. Phaedra left the planning to Dwight so that her party would be "ultra-Southern and over the top." Hopefully, Dwight won't hold any personal expenses against her later on. The baby shower has a dress code calling for hats and gloves. I love big hats, but I can't say I care for the giant rose buds in Phaedra's hair. Lisa was at the shower! Lisa, we miss you! Phaedra instructs Dwight to turn away anyone who is not on time.
Okay, so this shower is crazy and weird. I have never been to a "Southern shower" so I have nothing to compare it to, but it seemed totally nuts and uncomfortable for all the guests. Phaedra was brought out to a standing ovation and Kandi describes the rhinestones around Phaedra's eyes as "boughetto" (a marriage between "bougey" and "ghetto," and my new favorite word). Somehow, Kim snuck in late and right on past the dress code. Phaedra is pissed and I love Kim even more ("I didn't get the memo that I was supposed to wear a hat. I'll just keep drinkin'"). Phaedra comes by the table to scold Kim and the Housewives force their widest smiles.
THEN, a bunch of ballerinas came out to confuse everyone. Phaedra wanted them there because she doesn't think people celebrate the arts enough. But why? Apollo didn't want to dance (is he even there?) so Dwight waltzed with Phaedra as the ballerinas looked on lovingly. Cynthia requests that someone please stab her in the neck. Kim suggests, "sit in a f***ing rocking chair, open your gifts, have some cake and call it a day." Why can't every episode end with a confusing, over-the-top baby shower? I was dying.
Come back tomorrow for the creepiest moments of tonight's episode!
(image courtesy of Bravo)