Happy Birthday, America! And happy Fourth of July to you, my fellow believers in America's most patriotic pastime: Life, liberty, and the pursuit of quality television.
On a day when most would look to our political leaders for guidance and inspiration, we seek our red, white and blue-blooded wisdom from people we can really trust--fictional characters on television.
So, in between lathering that hot dog with your proudly capitalist ketchup and exercising your freedom to blow up dangerous, magnificent explosives in the backyard, take some time to reflect with these 10 Most Patriotic TV Quotes:
The Colbert Report is available on Amazon Prime.
I'm also setting up auditions in Toronto ...Jack:
Why not just go to Iraq? The television audience doesn't want
your elitist, East Coast,
alternative, intellectual, left-wing--Liz:
Jack, just say
Jewish. This is taking forever.-- 30 Rock
know, caning has fallen out of fashion in the United States. But ask
anyone who's safely walked the immaculate streets of Singapore after
winning an international cheerleading competition, and they'll tell you
one thing: Caning works. And I think it's about time we did a little
more of it right here. And to all those naysayers out there who say,
"That's illegal, you can't strike children on their bare buttocks with
razor sharp bamboo sticks!" Well, to them I say: YES. WE. CANE.
This is my destiny--I'm supposed
to do this, dammit! Don't tell me what I can and can't do!
-- John Locke, Lost
I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna to kick a little ass, I'm
gonna to kick
some ass in the U.S.A., gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna
fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck,
I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, I'm gonna rise up,
I'm gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG and EAGLE! -- Charlie Kelly's "America Song," It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
For those of you who are confused as to whether or not you're a real
American, it's quite simple. Let me see if I can help you out. [Pulls
out a dry-erase board and writes the following equation]
multiply your town's population (P)
by the average price of a
local cup of coffee (picture of coffee cup)
, plus its number of
art-house movie theaters (house)
, times the number of streets
named after Martin Luther King, Jr. (MLK)
; then divide by the
number of pieces of identification you need to buy Sudafed in your town (pill)
times the number of people who wear trucker hats in your town minus the
actual number of truckers (trucker hat)
, multiply that by 1 over
the houses of worship--not counting synagogues, of course (cross)
the number of bars in your town. That's supposed to be a bottle. If the
answer equals less than 10, congratulations, odds are very good that
you're a real American.
-- Jon Stewart, The Daily Show
discovered America is what he did. He was a
brave Italian explorer. And in this house, Christopher Columbus is a
hero. End of story.-- Tony Soprano, The Sopranos
if you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in every
day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
-- Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
our founding fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the
world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.--
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report
break free from that pansy country England by voting! We did
it by throwing their stinkin' tea in our American harbor! And why?
Because Americans don't like tea. We like coffee. And Americans don't
like wine. We like beer. Ice cold.
So let's show them how a beer man votes. Let's get blitzed, and take it
to the streets! Let's strike a blow anywhere they dine al fresco.
they eat brie cheese. And anywhere they wear their pants up high around
their waist in the European way.
The only thing that Americans
understand is mindless Tom and Jerry
cartoon-like violence. So
let's go kick some elite butt. Give me beer, or give me DEATH!--
Al Bundy, Married ... With Children
to mention that at several points during the evening, I was referred to
as both a liberal and a populist, and a fellow fourth from the back
called me a socialist, which is nice. I haven't heard that for a while.
Actually, I'm an economics professor. My great-grandfather's
great-grandfather was Dr. Josiah Bartlet, who was the New Hampshire
delegate to the second Continental Congress, the one that sat in session
in Philadelphia in the summer of 1776 and announced to the world that
we were no longer subjects of King George III, but rather a
self-governing people. "We
hold these truths to be self-evident," they said, "that all men are
created equal." Strange as it may seem, that was the first time in
history that anyone had ever bothered to write that down. Decisions are
made by those who show up. Class dismissed. Thank you, everyone. God
bless you. And God bless America.
-- President Josiah Bartlet, The
Here's a special 4th of July message from another of our favorite patriots on TV, The Muppets
' Sam the Eagle.