It's the debate we wage every single year (or twice a year, if you count The Bachelorette
) and yet it just never. Gets. Old. I probably think about it more than the presidential election, even.
WHO SHOULD BE THE NEXT BACHELOR?!?!
That one guy who got dumped, or that other guy who got dumped? A guy
from two seasons ago who got engaged and then got dumped later,
off-camera? An actual dump (the garbage kind or the toilet kind?!)? A
total newcomer? Your brother, maybe? Your brother's cousin's neighbor
who is impossibly good-looking and successful and yet "unlucky in love"
because of a debilitating and obnoxious (but entertaining) personality
flaw? TELL HIM TO SIGN UP. America's single ladies would be lining up outside his door
if his existence finally became validated by reality TV fame.
not that we don't trust those Bachelor
producers to pick the right guy. (Or that they'd ever listen to our input, anyway.)
Sure, there have been missteps along the way (examples: Prince Lorenzo,
Brad Womack the second time, that sloppy pile of apathetic hair
called a "Ben Flajnik"). But these are also
the geniuses who saw the
potential for a certain Canadian-tuxedo-wearing, Uncanny Valley
platitude-factory who finished in a lowly sixth place on The
to get power-drunk in the Bachelor spotlight
and become the Rainbow Randolph
of reality TV. Maybe they just got lucky with The Pavelka, but the Bachelor
team generally seem to know what they are doing, awful-and-awfully-entertaining-human-being-casting-wise.
Personally, the worse the Bachelor/Bachelorette is as a person, the more
excited I am to tune in. But this season with Emily Maynard also
proved, to an extent, that the lead doesn't need
to be unlikable, as long as there are enough unlikable suitors to fill that void. Which there will be. Always
. So basically, not counting the spoiler that says that Roberto already has this in the bag
, the field is wide open! Let's quickly review the top candidates, and then VOTE:SEAN:
Emily dumped him at top three because, despite being "perfect" in every conceivable way, he didn't do it for her long-term. He is blond, handsome, from Texas (which always equals "Southern gentleman"), Christian, law-abiding, handsome, very muscular, good-faced, handsome, and ... uh ... nice? I sort of never got a sense of his personality, which means he could be the perfect "beautiful blank slate" upon which the Bachelor
producers can create their next masterpiece. If he were The Bachelor, we could look forward to many montages of him doing various activities while shirtless, and blandly vetting a batch of sweet, cloying women (and a couple crazies) regarding their Christian values and how ready they are to "settle down" and "start a family." He would basically be the male Emily Maynard, except without baggage I MEAN A CHILD.ARIE:
Emily gave him positive signals all the way up until she surprise-dumped him the day before the final Rose Ceremony, and he reacted by crying at first, and later flying to her hometown and leaving his journal on her doorstep. And yet
, Arie is still a viable, attractive, masculine option for The Bachelor.
His would be the REDEMPTION SEASON, but also the DIRTY HOUNDDOG SEASON, in which he would claim
to want to replace Maynard, whom he called the "love of his life," with a new forever-woman who could also
appreciate his unsettling tall, dark and handsome-ness, boooring
racecar driver career, goofy sense of humor and mad kissing skills. But really, he'd be in it to mack on as many women as possible, for now and forever more. As long as the position didn't go to his head, I think an Arie season would be pleasant and lighthearted. He doesn't strike me as the type to actually follow through with picking a wife on television, but watching a bunch of desperate women futilely attempt to beat the system and tear each other down so they could tie down a man who doesn't want to be tied down would
definitely be the best part.ROBERTO:
You guys, there have been, count 'em
, FOUR seasons of The Bachelor
and The Bachelorette
since Roberto got down on one knee and proposed to Ali Fedotowsky. If it weren't for Chris Harrison shuffling Ali 'n' Rob out at each After the Final Rose
(until they broke up
and LOVE DIED last year, *SNIFF*), I would have forgotten what he looked like! And I've definitely forgotten what his personality is like, if he ever really had one beyond "the charming, muscled and sexy baseball guy" and "the only Latino guy to ever be on this show." So let's be real. After that unsightly racial discrimination lawsuit
against them, The Bachelor
is probably jonesing pretty hard to add some color in their ranks -- but they also want that color tested and drawn from within their system, as the "built-in storyline" is their absolute favorite tactic for tricking us into giving them 24+ hours of our lives every season. And Roberto has everything they're looking for: He's handsome. He's nice. He's comfortable getting shirtless on camera. He has a cute little chin dimple. He's on the rebound. I guess the only problem might be that ... he doesn't seem to enjoy the spotlight very much? And I have no idea if he has any unique personality traits? Well, that probably isn't a downside for ABC. But it is for me.KALON?Just picture it.
A Kalon season would be insufferable, disgusting, awful, and, in only the oxymoronic way that reality dating television can muster, completely glorious
. The women he didn't
scare off with his egomania and condescension would obviously be completely INSANE. Too bad he's allegedly already taken by Lindzi Cox.
Bless your sweet hearts and naive brains, those of you who think Tim Tebow would ever dip his golden toe into this cess pool. But if Sean, Arie and Roberto don't work out (i.e. they all say no) or simply don't do it for you, who else would you like to see sit upon the rose-giving throne? I'm running low on ideas that don't involve some sort of cute furry animal with a voiceover, but maybe ... Michael Stagliano? His screaming desperation is just so alluring. Is there still a fanbase for Ames from Ashley's season? Of all the weirdo rich guys who sort of talk like robots who have ever graced this show, he is still my favorite.
I bet you have better ideas, so share them in the comments ... after you VOTE:
(Image courtesy of ABC)