'The Bachelorette' Recap: Whining, Wining and Dining
'The Bachelorette' Recap: Whining, Wining and Dining
Meghan Carlson
Meghan Carlson
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
For some reason, everyone (myself included) seems totally shocked at what terrible people Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi turned out to be. It's like, "Wait, hold on. You're saying that the constantly shirtless (and sometimes pantsless) guy who cried his way through The Bachelorette, The Bachelor and Dancing with the Stars and the self-proclaimed 'spoiled princess' whom he proposed to on national television aren't dignified, respectful and honest people? GET OUT. But how can I ever trust again?"

The many ways in which Jake and Vienna were able to fool each other, themselves and THE WORLD (Haha, sure) with their uniquely horrific, endlessly bastardized version of "love" was the real story on last night's episode of The Bachelorette, but there was also another story: A story so dull that you probably fell asleep and had a dream about paying your taxes that was more interesting and suspenseful. A story so predictable that I could have written this recap before the episode even aired. And that story goes like this: Ali went to Portugal, where she got super-drunk and talked about feelings until even the sky started to cry, begging her to stop, and then she broke a honky's fragile heart. The End.

Just kidding! I'm full of those. (Kiddings.) Get ready for some more:

Date #1: Roberto
Ali started out the week in high spirits. She invited Roberto to "Come be the king of [her] castle," which could definitely be made to sound gross if you were a 13-year-old boy or me, but it's not like that: She was just inviting him on a kissing tour of Lisbon, which they documented with jumpy photos. Roberto took the advice of so many girls' "Dance like nobody's watching" tramp stamps, and grabbed Ali for a little jig in the streets:


Impressed with his romantic spontaneity, Ali proclaimed that, "If I was with Roberto, this is what it would really be like!" which ... I mean, first of all, duh, no, it wouldn't, and second of all, hey, is that Simon Pegg?

Unfortunately not Simon Pegg.

After dancing/walking/making-out their way through Lisbon, Roberto and Ali popped by a magical castle for a meal of red wine on the steps, where Roberto used his oh-so-pretty face to make troubling brain-sounds like, "All that Spanish stuff that I don't know what it's called" (in regards to his mother's cooking) so Ali said, "I need to figure you out," by which she meant, "I need to figure YOUR MOUTH out," and then used her tongue to shut him up real good for the rest of the date. It's just better that way.

Date #2: 2-on-1 with Frank and Ty
Frank's shirt! Look at Frank's shirt, you guys. OH SH*T, A METAPHOR!

frank-anchor.jpgIt represents how I'm always dragging everyone down and trying to latch onto their ankles and making them drown in the sea of my fertile pain.

Frank was sad that he had to share Ali on a 2-on-1 date with Ty, whom he thinks of as his "biggest competition," because of how Frank is almost always wrong about everything.

Ali took the guys on a helicopter tour of Lisbon (a helicopter, how original for this show!), and they landed at a castle (again, how original) and then, after exhibiting lukewarm feelings about the private helicopter tour and private visit to a historical castle, everyone got totally jacked because THEY SAW A DEER!

frank-ty-ali-deer.jpgIt went downhill from there, with rotating soundbites of Ali, Frank and Ty calling the date "awkward," "uncomfortable," "pointless," "stupid," and "durrrrrrrrrrrr." (OK, those last three were mine.) Ali was focused on worrying about next week's Hometown Dates, while Frank was preoccupied with picking the bugs out of his long, grey goblin beard and Ty was busy wondering why it was legal for women to own cellphones.

At dinner, Ali just came right out with it and said, "I'm just in a weird place ... Do we have any wine?" And, to no one's surprise, they DID! And after drinking all the wine in Portugal, she pulled each guy aside for a private chat. Ty assured Ali that he was "tickled to death" that she has work-related ambitions and hopes and dreams (A lady with goals? What is she, from the future?!) and that his parents would just need to suck it if they had a problem with that. Then he laid down in the very large hole he had dug himself and went to sleep until the Rose Ceremony.

But the Goblin King, NEVER to be outdone, shouted "ME ME ME! It's MY TURN!" and then gave Ty a run for his wrong-thing-to-say-money by telling Ali that he lives in his parents' underground cave-lair basement. Ali gave him a look like, "You sad little puppy, I'll make it all better and let you live in my pants!" and they kissed like monkeys in a tree while once again sharing Frank's favorite pastime: Talking about himself.

Date #3: Kirk
Kirk and Ali went out to lunch, shared a carriage ride, ate some dinner, talked about how they are both special snowflakes who deserve to be loved and then listened to an old lady sing romantic music on the cobblestone streets. That is all that happened, and I refuse to discuss it further.

ali-kirk-date.jpgGood day. Goodnight.

Date #4: Chris
In her fourth and final date of the week, Ali took Chris on a scooter. At first Chris was driving, and he was going WAY too slowly, and then Ali smacked us all over our dummy-faces about how this was a metaphor for their relationship, which, just to be clear, was also going too slowly, so it was time for her to get in the driver's seat--of the scooter AND the relationship, see what she did there?--and get them up to speed. Clever girl.

ali-chris-scooter.jpgChris and Ali went to a winery (Ali's FAVORITE PLACE) where they picked out a barrel to share for dinner. Chris once again proved that he is the best by presenting Ali with a gift he'd been saving until he was sure he actually liked her enough to give her a gift (a truly novel concept for this show): a "Dennis bracelet," courtesy of his jewelry-making family friend Dennis.

ali-chris-bracelet.jpgWhat a cute gift from what-a-cute-guy! And he didn't even care that Ali's hair began to look progressively more like a crow's nest. Just shut this thing down already and give him all of the roses.

ali-roseceremony-week7.jpgRose Ceremony
It was a dark and stormy night, and Ali granted these four kings the permission to take her home to their castles:

Chris (Duh.)
Roberto (So pretty...)
Kirk (I concur.)

So it was time for Ty to say goodbye. And seriously, for all the jabbing I gave him about his views on "traditional gender roles," Ty seemed a sweet and caring man with a solidly handsome face, which is sure to get him far. He left the show with his head held high, while Ali stood out in the rain and dramatically pouted about all the tough decisions she'd had to make and would continue to have to make. It's a hard-knock life being The Bachelorette.

Next Week: Ali meets Kirk's dad the taxidermist and all his "friends" (dead animal heads), Chris introduces Ali to the rest of The Incredibles, Frank shows Ali his Magic: The Gathering cards, and we all get to see Roberto in baseball pants. It's going to be a win-win-LOSE-win!

(Images: ABC)