The Bachelorette Recap: She's Just Not That Into Your Package (Page 1/3)
Meghan Carlson
Meghan Carlson
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
Last week on The Bachelorette: Jillian came no closer to finding out "who has the girlfriend," even though Tanner vowed again to warn her against Wes. Ed left of his own accord (so they say...) for work reasons, and Jillian sent Mark home. Tonight, the questions of Wes's fidelity and good intentions rise to the surface, and 3 more men get tossed from the train of love.

Woo woo! All aboard! It's Bachelorette time!

First, Chris tells the guys that the final 5 (next week's episode) will get hometown dates. To decide which men get Jill to meet their mamas, they're all going on a private train ride across British Columbia and Alberta. The train is called The Rocky Mountaineer, which just makes me think of Rocky Mountain Oysters, because I am a dirty-minded person.

Anyway, Jillian will be going on 3 dates this week as the train keeps on rolling: two 1 on 1 dates and one group date.

The first 1 on 1 date goes to Robby. He gets nervous beforehand, as the other guys remind him that if he gets the rose, Jillian will be meeting his family.

This date all takes place on the train. First Robby shows Jillian some Cocktail-esque bar tricks, and then they get down to business: over champagne and dessert, J grills the 25-year-old unemployed man-child about how he feels about starting a family soon. He sort of dodges the question, but manages to work in the fact that he is "in between jobs" and hasn't been in a relationship for a couple years. Robby then reveals that 500 years ago, his great-great-great-super-great-grandfather, who was a prince, pricked his finger on a spool, causing the Dark Witch to curse him and all his unborn progeny of forever living without true love. (Maybe not, but it would be a better story, and maybe there would even be songs!) In the end, Robby's family curse holds true, though, because Silly Jilly withholds that crucial rose from Jobless Robless, and stops the whole train to kick him out into the cold and dark. Doomed to roam the wilderness aimless and alone, Robby almost dies of hunger, dysentery, and a broken-heart, but then a pack of wolves saves his life and teaches him how to love again. SPOILER ALERT: Because there never WAS a family curse, just his own human insecurities and fear of being happy. (Okay, no. But this is starting to sound like an AWESOME movie in my head, and The Bachelorette is really, really boring tonight.)

The guys watch as the crew take Robby's bags and let him off the train, and Michael LITERALLY cries as the train slowly leaves Robby behind, never to be seen again, except in the television edit. This part of the story, I swear, is all true. Then Michael softly sings to himself:

He's the reason for the teardrops on my knitted v-neck sweater...

Jillian is way bummed out about having to leave Robby to starve to death in the woods, so she takes a nap. But who is there to be her Most Annoying Alarm Clock Ever? Wes, of course! They snuggle in her frilly train-tent, and the brilliant Bachelorette producers cut in scenes of Wes talking about how he doesn't care about the girl, he just wants to consume as much Fame as possible while he can. "I eat it up, and I can feel it inside of me, making me stronger and more powerful," and... wait, this is starting to sound familiar. Wes is... VOLDEMORT? It all starts to make sense.

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