Well, that was two-hours of straight-up awkward, wasn't it?
Last night on The Bachelorette
, we saw a wide range of traits in Ali's remaining suitors, from Jonathan's debilitating anxiety about kissing to Justin's self-sabotaging sneakiness--both attracting the ridicule of the other guys, and both resulting in lonely man-tears. The Awkward Train really
left the station when Hunter got his one-on-one date with Ali, but it wasn't all bad: Roberto, Chris L. and Kirk managed to make a connection with the Bachelorette without
making anybody--us, Ali, the other men--recoil in disgust. That's a win in the Bachelorette
Speaking of books: Yes, I know it's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
. But Ty
doesn't--though that didn't stop him from making the reference!
For the condensed versions of last night's Bachelorette
episode, check out these exclusive BuddyTV offerings:'Bachelorette-Bites': Jonathan Cries, Justin Gets CrucifiedThe Winners and Losers of Bachelorette Week 3 For the full details and color commentary, read on!
Date #1: Rrrrroberto
Sexy Latin lover Rrrrrroberto gets the first one-on-one date, and Ali picks him up in a helicopter to whisk him off to a 20-story building, on top of which they're strapped, harnessed and cabled into a high-wire apparatus for a "death-defying" (spoiler alert: there is no way they could possibly die) walk across air. Ali cooed about how "protective and manly" Roberto is--her favorite thing to say about the guys she likes is that they "make her feel safe." Is she normally worried about her personal safety? Are there monsters afoot? Maybe she should be looking for a bodyguard, not a boyfriend.
Roberto stops Ali in the middle of their high-wire walk for a kiss, which, given their precarious placement on tiny strings of metal, ends up looking like a kiss between two Playskool Wibble Wobbles. In all seriousness, though, it's pretty romantic moment, despite their bonking helmets:
After they make it across the wire, they hug and watch the sunset, and Rrrrroberto says, "I hope to watch a lot more of these with you." And then Ali gives him this look, which basically says, " Okay. Everyone else can just pack up and go home now. You win, Roberto!":
At dinner, Roberto continues to impress Ali by being so cultured and handsome, but she worries that she might not be pretty enough for him, which is ridiculous and silly and wrong, but will probably (definitely) come up again later.Meanwhile, back at the mansion:
Justin "Rated R" Rego tells Jonathan "Cool Sunglasses" The Weatherman that he needs to find a way to step it up with Ali because he's operating "with a deficit." Why yes you ARE, Justin--but not in the way you're
Some of the guys find out that they'll be joining Ali on a "rocking" group date, and Kasey--who isn't invited--laments the fact that HE won't be able to reel in Ali with his magnetic singing voice. Don't worry, Kasey! You'll have your chance. By the way, I love your work:
their ancient hit "One Week." All the awkward boys and girl dance for a couple uncomfortable minutes before learning they'll be starring in a music video for the Ladies' new single, "You Run Away."
The band plays the song for the group, and that's when all the guys put on their Professor Profundity caps to explain the significance of the song lyrics: "The song is called "You Run Away," and it's the situation we're all dealing with with Ali. It's so relevant!" - Frank
Each guy stars in a short scene with Ali where they are partially nude and either making out or not making out. In Frank's scene, Ali slaps him across the face for getting too handsy, and it's fun to watch, because yuck, Frank,
am I right?! Frank also gets super jealous of Kirk, who makes out with Ali in bed (for their scene) but the kissing keeps on going after the director yells "CUT!"
But none of this mild discomfort and terrible acting even compares
with Jonathan's scene. When he reads his script and finds out he'll need to kiss Ali, Jonathan gets extremely nervous and anxious (WHO KNOWS WHY?!), and makes this face, which is a tooootally normal face for a heterosexual male to make at the thought of kissing a beautiful woman:
"I've got something in my eye ... I think it's a piece of shame."
Eventually, Ali plants an acceptable pity kiss on Hurricane Awkward, who lives to get picked on for being such a weenie for at least another day.
Later, at the music video "wrap party" (LOL) Kirk lures in Ali for Part 2 of their makeout session, and earns the date rose for his tongue-power. Then everyone watches the finished music video, because A) It only takes a couple hours to edit a professional music video, and B) no duh, this is NOT the official Barenaked Ladies "You Run Away" music video, it's basically just a homemade soft-core porn montage. But it's cute how they all pretended that it was real!NEXT>> Date #3, "Rated R" Drama and the Rose Ceremony