Isn't it fun how only the most trivial and simplistic television shows think it's essential to air a "reunion special" before the season is even over
? It's like, we just got done with these people, and it was (for the most part) a pleasure and a relief to see them go. And now you're bringing them back to rehash drama that barely deserved to get hashed in the first place? ... OK, I guess I'll tune in just to see how you fill the time.
Of course, The Bachelorette
doesn't consider its annual "Men Tell All" special to be trivial at all. Here's how they're framing Monday's place-holder episode, before the big Bachelorette
finale airs the week after: "It's an exciting, unpredictable reunion viewers won't want to miss, as the most memorable bachelors from this season - including Sean, Chris, Kalon, Ryan, Doug, John "Wolf," Tony and Travis - return to confront each other and Emily one last time on national television to dish the dirt and tell their side of the story."
Sure, there are a couple names in there that it's alright to be genuinely excited about: Kalon and Ryan, who were undoubtedly two of the most obnoxious and entertaining characters to grace the show in recent memory. I enjoy any opportunity I get to mock the garbage that comes out of both their mouths. But the rest? Shy of Travis revealing that he's suing Emily for Shelley the Egg's murder, I'm just not all that interested. (Don't worry -- I'll still be recapping it, and attempting to entertain myself and you as much as possible during the experience.)
And I must beg to differ with ABC that this reunion will be "unpredictable." Actually, we're banking on the fact that it will be predictable: With this fun-infusing The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All: The Viewers Get Drunk
Here are my rules. Feel free to suggest your ideas in the comments over the weekend, and by Monday we'll all have a great template to make sure the two-hour bro-fest is highly entertaining for all.
Drink every time:
Drink twice when:
- Chris Harrison laughs at something that isn't funny.
- Someone says "trophy wife."
- A shot of the in-studio audience includes either A) the overly disapproving face of a woman or B) any man.
- One of the unknown guys who got dumped really early starts talking and trying way too hard to have a personality before it's too late.
- You see abs.
- A moment is described as "one of the most [EXAGGERATED SUPERLATIVE ADJECTIVE] Bachelorette moments ever!"
- Bros high-five, fist pump or embrace.
Drink constantly ('waterfall"):
- Anyone mentions Travis's egg.
- Emily or anyone else mentions her eggs. (Existing or hypothetical babies.)
- Kalon is a pompous dick.
- An audience member makes a sexually suggestive comment to any of the rejected bachelors. (Example: "Sean, I just want to say that you can honor the Lord with me any time!")
- Anyone tries to make the claim that being on The Bachelorette changed his life.
- During the Bachelor Pad promo package.
- Whenever you're bored or feel like it.
Have fun! Be safe. And most importantly, check back here for the full recap on Monday night.(Image: Tony Pieper's Twitter)