I have a theory, Bachelorette fans:
How you view the "Men" or "Women Tell All" special during each corresponding Bachelorette
season says a lot about you. And not just as a TV watcher. But as a human being. Where do you fit in?Group A:
Think of it as a jolly way to relive your favorite and never-before-seen moments from the season? You're a glass-half-full sort of person who tries to see the silver lining in even the darkest storm clouds. People tend to find your constant optimism constantly annoying.Group B:
Consider it a freebie week, when you can catch up on other business (favorite shows, that puzzle in the den, your self-google alerts, etc.) while casually flipping back during commercials to make sure you haven't missed anything? Wish someone would edit the ridiculous two-hours down to a 1-minute highlight reel so you didn't have to bother? You're an efficient opportunist for whom The Bachelorette
is a guilty pleasure in an otherwise hectic and hollow life. You pretend you don't care, but you love this show, though you probably watch in secret to avoid shame from friends and coworkers. And so you can play your personal Bachelorette
drinking game, no questions asked.
Take to the Internet, Twitter, Facebook, txting, and/or your real life friends' faces to moan about what a waste of time that "Men Tell All" is, who does ABC think they're fooling, you're too busy for that junk, though you continue to tune in every year with the slightest shred of a hope that some morsel of intriguing commentary or shocking revelation will come your way, leading you to question your own masochistic and naive nature when that hope is brutally dashed each season? I feel your pain, I really do, and you may be right. But you're better off relocating to A or B, my C-guys. If you can't beat them (or bring yourself to change the channel) then you might as well join them, right? I think they sleep better. Fewer ghosts of reasonable expectations.
Wherever you land, here you are. You're here to chat about "The Men Tell All" special edition of The Bachelorette
, which means you must care what these Men have to Tell us, after All.
Let's make the most of it, and approach this like adults, yes? And if there's anything I've learned in my so-far brief stint as a real adult, it's this: if you lower your standards far enough, you'll never be disappointed. The Group A and B folks know what I'm talking about.
Here we go. "The Men Tell All." If you're entertained, ironically or not, consider it a win.
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And, now's the time to make your predictions: who will come off looking like the prince who got away? And who are the frogs who will reveal even MORE warts to America?
- Will David threaten to murder someone? More than one someone?
- Will Michael continue to be precious (he's definitely in Group A)?
- Will Jesse say anything at all? What about that "pizza entrepreneur" guy, Mark?
- Will Juan say the words "I'm a 30 year old man" again? More than once?
- How many times will we hear the words: "feet," "foot," "toes," and "fetish"?
- How many "Awww"s will Jake get from the all-female audience? Will anyone propose to him?
- Do you even remember who Tanner P. is? Why is that guy even there?
- Will Robby have a job yet? (Economy! Sheesh!)
- Is Brad gay? No, seriously.
- Would you rather watch this or Dating in the Dark
Look at me! Welcome to Journalism 101, I'm Professor Hard-Hitting Questions McGee. LET'S DO THIS!
Chris rolls tape, recapping the whole shebang with silly Jilly, starting with the first night. (We know all of this. We were there.)
Chris asks Jillian to recount the season's "memorable characters":
Tanner: "I didn't care" about the foot fetish. ("Foot" word count: 10.)
David: "He really was disrespectful."
Ed: "As soon as he walked out the door, I almost threw up." "I was trying to play hard to get, but all I wanted to do was just crawl up in his lap and kiss him."
Kiptyn: "On the ropes course, he totally proved me wrong. He is NOT perfect. He was like a baby giraffe."
Wes: "I don't know why, there was just something about Wes that I was attracted to and I couldn't let go." "I just kept on seeing the good side of him."
Jillian says she thinks "100%" that Wes came on the series to sell CDs, but she doesn't know if he has a girlfriend at home.
Reid: "My heart was breaking, and part of me was thinking: should I give him a chance?" "It was the hardest let-go that I've ever had to do." "I was not ready to let Reid go."
Never Before Seen Moments:
1. Jillian gets relationship advice from "Special K" from the Globetrotters, who tells her:
-Kiptyn cheated during the basketball game. WHich means he might cheat on her.
- "Pizza Boy" (Mark) is not a good "team player."
- Mike has "great hair." He might be more concerned about his hair than her.
- Aaaand, Special K loved David. Which negates all his previous advice.
2. In Vancouver, Jillian confronts a wasted Ed who responds to her relationship questions in silly slurs: "those are a lot of words you're throwing out there." Jillian says his drunkenness inevitably made her laugh. "So much fun!"
3. A snowball fight with Mike and Mark during their 2-on-1 date. Mark belted Jill in the side of the head and knocked her on her ass.
4. DUH alert: "Breaking up with these guys is always awkward," says Chris Harrison. For Robby, it was a new level, because the train missed the stop, and then went backwards to get to the station. "A moment that should have taken moments (?) actually took an hour and half," says Jillian. And we thought WE wasted time on this show.
5. Jillian and Reid hula-ing in Hawaii. "When I saw Reid dancing, I thought: Aww, that's so cute, at least he's trying. But he needed to stop."
6. Jillian's visit to "Stand Up For Kids," Kiptyn's charity, which helps homeless kids get off the street and get life coaching. "It was so remarkable to see how much they adored him and how much they respected him. What girl doesn't want to see the guy that she's falling for have that big of a heart?" (1) (2) (3) (4) NEXT>>