'The Bachelor' Recap: Terrible Tierra and a Taste of Chocolate
'The Bachelor' Recap: Terrible Tierra and a Taste of Chocolate
Bill King
Bill King
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
If princesses and toddlers wear tiaras, bitches wear Tierras. As Sean Lowe whittles down his batch of potential suitors from 13 to 11, we're promised a healthy dose of tears, anger and outrage from the recipient of the earliest rose ever, who also may be the only Bachelor contestant to ever intentionally fall down the stairs. And not only does this increasingly and overly dramatic situation put Tierra's future in jeopardy, it also threatens Robyn and Desiree, who appear to be the two most easily distracted by Tierra's antics. At least there's another ambulance ride in store following a balls-to-the-wall roller derby match.

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Two more women are going home tonight, and Tierra is almost certain to be among the final three standing when Chris Harrison announces the final rose. But still, Desiree has been considering dual-citizenship in both the real world and Crazytown since her opening introduction montage, and Tierra seemingly has the goods to totally unnerve her. And much like Kacie B.'s elimination, someone apparently tries to capitalize on the cattiness this time aroun,d too. Will it backfire again?

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Every Woman's Fatal Flaw

As we get closer to the top 10, I hate to say that many of these girls have at least one major concern that raises serious doubts about their chances of surviving a long-term relationship with a seemingly normal guy (who in the end likely won't have much patience for anything otherwise). We've covered Tierra and Desiree, but I have to think they'll both make it past this rose ceremony. For me, Amanda is the most likely to get the boot, as she increasingly says outlandish things that throw human beings in general for a loop. Sean tells her he doesn't know her very well, so she describes how she'll be as a wife. Not a great start. 

Additionally, Robyn seems like she still has reservations about whether or not Sean can like a woman of color. Sarah appears to be the one who has to get over her one-armedness more than Sean does. And while Lindsay shined in her first one-on-one time, we can't forget the fact that she wore a wedding dress in the limo. AshLee and Lesley M. seem like the only ones in the real contender category so far. Anyway, enough with all this. Let's see if Sean falls in love twice more on his one-on-one dates, who goes to the hospital and who goes home. Oh, and if Sean likes the taste of chocolate.

Racial Discrimination? I Call Gender Bias

Of course, the first time we see Sean, he is wearing only boxer briefs. While not exercising or showering this time around, he's in the bathroom (not using the toilet or anything) and then picking out his clothes. My only question is, how come episodes of The Bachelorette never start out with gratuitous shots of the title female sunning in a bikini or prancing around in lingerie? That's the lawsuit I want to sign on for.

Taking the Iraqi to the Desert

The first date card, "Let's turn up the heat," goes to Selma. She hasn't been one of my favorites so far, but we should get a clearer picture of who she is on this date. To set us up for those answers, she tells us she wants babies and that she is incapable of dancing with a partner to save her life. She also makes a special point to tell him she weights 110 pounds. 

Selma gets a red carpet and a jet, and she asks if every date will be like this for the rest of her life. It meets/exceeds her expectations, she feels like a princess and she calls it the best date she's ever been on before they even get off the plane. How does she not realize this is not what guys like to hear? Then they land in the desert and she is immediately disappointed and whiny. Selma, Selma, Selma...

A jeep whisks them to Joshua Tree National Park, and Sean comes clean that he's testing Selma by taking her out of her element. It's a brilliant plan, and it makes me trust Sean's judgment a bit more. They climb to the top of a mountain, which is awesome because she hates athletic activities, hiking and heights. In the end, she sucks it up and actually gets an adrenaline rush from the whole experience. And we get several gratuitous sports-bra-from-above shots from the poor cameraman who had to climb in front of them and shoot their ascent. It looks like there might be a kiss at the peak, but Sean's patented awkward pre-kiss moment goes on just long enough for them to just head to dinner to "see where the night takes them."

Trailer Park Love

They get to know each over wine in a little desert trailer park, and Selma asks how it's possible that he's single. Apparently he had one serious relationship since college, but he wasn't ready for the long-term thing then, like he is now. She describes her closed-off Arab upbringing in Baghdad and how she was raised to be the perfect Muslim girl. She fears that if she kissed Sean on national television, her mom would literally have a heart attack. So she explains that she can't quite pucker up yet, which probably takes a lot of pressure off him after he literally asks her for a kiss. The always-leave-him-wanting-more strategy seems like it would work on Sean nearly every time (probably not with Amanda, though).

He gives her the rose, because he always gives them out on one-on-one dates, and he has now fallen in love five times on five dates. Tierra is right. All you need is a solo date for Sean to fall in love with you. I do like Selma more after this, though.

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Roller Derby Madness

The roller derby group date card arrives, and Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah and Tierra will be "seeing who can roll with the punches." They drink mimosas in the limo on the way to the rink, which is always a good idea before athletic and aggressive team sports. The Derby Dolls teach them the ins and outs of the game, and Amanda lies and says she's played before to psych out the other team. Some of these girls are so laughably bad at roller skating that I have no idea how they made it through middle school. 

Poor Sarah has balance issues because of her condition and also doesn't have a second arm to break her fall, so she is scared and upset over the challenge. AshLee builds her up, and Sean comforts her and tells her he doesn't care how well she does, as long as she tries. 

Amanda keeps talking trash about her mental and physical advantage, and then she takes a nasty spill and smashes her chin on the ground. She needs to go to the hospital, and while I wish no one serious injury, it appears fate is not without a sense of irony. Two weeks and two ambulances. Bachelorettes are going down in an entirely different way this season!

In light of Amanda's fall and arguably the most disappointing moment in Bachelor history (like worse than when Jake picked Vienna), Sean cancels the roller derby and instead calls for an old-school free skate. I cannot underscore how upset I am that this match does not take place. It is literally the most disappointed I could be while watching The Bachelor. That puts it right below opening a bag of Doritos and finding out the chips are stale. 

The Unraveling of Tierra

As the group date enters its drinking phase, Tierra gets increasingly jealous of having to share Sean with the other women. Sarah gets some alone time first so that Sean can reassure her how impressed he was with her at the rink. She was embarrassed at feeling singled out, but I think she needs to realize that the only one holding her back is herself. Seems like it's been something she's struggled with her whole life, and we are mostly all just lucky to not know what that's like. 

Amanda rejoins the party without serious injury, but she plans on milking it for all it's worth in hopes of getting a sympathy rose. 

Robyn gets a rise out of Tierra by not mentioning her name when discussing the roller derby team that wasn't, or something stupid like that. And though it seems like nothing to get worked up over, Tierra tumbles over the edge and is ready to quit and walk off the show. I feel bad for the producer who she cries and whines to about how crappy the girls treat her. Even though that producer is probably thinking one word: jackpot! 

Tierra and her giant hoop earrings (that look like they're going to tear her ears) interrupt a Sean/Lindsay makeout session, and she pulls Sean away riiiight before he's about to get in the hot tub with his now bikini-clad partner. He teeters on the edge of sending her home but eventually convinces her she should spend more time getting to know him. He gives Tierra the rose, and all the other girls' mouths drop simultaneously, because they were just talking about how he wasn't going to let her ruin the night. And the grin she flashes when he leaves to get it is just downright devious. 

Now even AshLee, the nicest girl in the world, turns on her. Robyn is beside herself, and her anger is going to lead to her undoing. Whoever is the first to address the situation with Sean will sign her own walking papers.

Leslie H. Gets Selma's Dream Date

The last date card goes to Leslie H., with the title "Could this be forever?" That means Desiree, Daniella and Lesley M. are left out this week. The date comes complete with extravagant diamond earrings, a sports car and a fancy-schmancy Rodeo Drive shopping spree, capped off with a giant diamond necklace worth $500,000. It's all Pretty Woman this and Pretty Woman that, since it's every girls dream to be a prostitute showered with gifts by a single rich guy. As long as it ends in love, I guess.

They have dinner at a closed-down Bradbury Building in what Sean calls the most romantic date possible. They dive right into the topic of past relationships and then move on to family, where she divulges that her parents are divorced. He loves her personality, but he's not feeling that romantic connection. She opens up to him about everything, but it's just not clicking and he sends her home. It's the first time Sean hasn't fallen in love on a one-on-one date, and Julia Roberts has once again crushed women everywhere with false hope.

After dinner, they were supposed to head to a private concert by folk singer Ben Taylor. Instead, Ben plays in the background while a blindsided Leslie H. cries in the limo. In classic Bachelor cheese, a distraught Sean drops the rose over a railing. It (and by "it," I mean "likely a different rose") crashes to the ground in slow-motion petal-exploding glory.

A Drama-ish Cocktail Party

Only one more girl is on the chopping block, but everyone who doesn't have a rose is still nervous. There are still a number of girls who haven't really gotten any time with Sean, particularly Jackie, Daniella and Catherine. AshLee gets some kisses, and then Robyn drops her "Do you want to taste the chocolate?" pickup line in order to procure her own kisses. I've never seen anyone so giddy for sloppy seconds before. 

Tierra and Amanda bond as the hated chicks in the house, while Robyn fumes and Desiree wonders how they should tell Sean (Answer: Don't!) that Tierra isn't right for him. Tierra pulls aside Robyn and Jackie and apologizes for the group date drama, but she really just criticizes both of them before asking if they can just squash it. They accept her fake and forced apology (her words), but they all know nothing is different. 

Catherine may be the smartest one in the house, because she discourages everyone from saying anything to Sean about the Tierra sitch. Then she gets alone time and gives him an index card with a lipstick kiss before they take a walk to dispense "perfect" sloppy thirds. The way he describes their relationship has total friend-zone potential, but there is still time for it to develop.

It's flower time, and roses with names written on the inside of the outermost petal go to Catherine, Desiree and her tiny teeth, Lindsay, Lesley M., Robyn, AshLee, Sarah, Jackie and Daniella. So in a completely non-shocking move, Amanda and her gross goth-looking lipstick are going home. He enjoyed getting to know her, but there was just no spark, and yet she still says she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. I feel bad that she feels stupid, but this was inevitable. Poor Daniella really had to sweat that one out, though.

Obviously, Sean made the right decision. But who do you think is next? We're officially out of models, but we still have one of our four black women. What do you think of Robyn's chances? Will she and Desiree commit the cardinal sin of "warning" Sean about Tierra? And how long will that evil temptress stick around? AshLee and Leslie M. have to be considered the favorites thus far, but who is your favorite?

Next week, we're treated to a special two-day Bachelor event with double the romance and double the drama! And of course, there's another trip to the hospital for one of the women. At this point, I'm just hopeful everyone makes it through the season alive.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8pm on ABC.


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(Image courtesy of ABC)



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