It's almost that special time again, that magical evening full of laughs, tears and secrets that tragically comes only twice a year--The Bachelor(ette) Men [or Women] Tell All Special
! Oh, happy day! How will I ever sleep before next Monday night?
ABC has issued a press release teasing us about all the "explosive" gossip and "shocking" scandals that the "most memorable bachelors of this season" (except Justin and Frank, but thankfully including
Kasey and Jonathan) will reveal when they reunite. On the docket for the Chris Harrison-hosted television event of the summer:
Get Ready to Get Annoyed:
Chris Harrison told TV Guide
, "First of all, I don't know how much America will hear because we'll have
to bleep out 90 percent of what was said. It got heated." What did the guys get heated about? You guessed it ...A Rated-R Rage Session:
Justin declined to attend (SHOCKER!), but that won't stop the rest of the guys from bashing him up and down the block (or what ABC calls "offering their opinions") for, if I had to guess, about one whole hour of the two-hour program Plus, Kirk will reportedly "reveal new information that validates the shocking
voicemail messages from Justin to his girlfriend Jessica." As if the recorded voicemails in which Justin clearly says he is in Turkey on The Bachelorette
and still in love with Jessica needed further validation
?She's Baaack! ... Again:
For being the quietest contestant on Jake Pavelka's season, Jessie Sulidis sure is chatty now. She will return to explain why she tipped off Ali about Justin's girlfriends back home, and give more unnecessary proof to his guilt. (She "even saw the text messages between the couple."
) She will then almost certainly promote her upcoming appearance on Bachelor Pad
. Speaking of Bachelor Pad:
We will see a preview that will further whet our appetite for all our favorite things
. (Wait, you didn't know that "bikinis, muscles, backstabbing, cheesy guitar, crying and camping" are your favorite things? Because they are.)Captive Kirk:
devastated Kirk takes the hot seat and explains how tough it was to be
rejected by Ali," especially with Frank cheating him out of a free trip to Tahiti. Kirk will then share that he isn't so "devastated" after all and is actually ready and willing to find the right woman and settle down.Kasey the Klown:
Kasey will use his unique (lack of) reasoning skills to once again defend his personality, choices, singing voice and infamous tattoo. He also apparently has a "surprise" for Ali--whatever could it be?
I'm crossing my fingers for an Ali-shaped sculpture made out of hair ... and love
. The Return of the Weatherman:
Then my favorite Bachelorette
contestant ever, Jonathan the weatherman, will get himself into another of his adorable tizzies as he "explains why he thought Craig M. was dangerous." And all the forgotten guys who weren't around long enough to get to know either person will still "make it known that they were
unhappy with Frank's "selfish" behavior in regard to Ali."Finale Footage:
"The special also includes a sneak peek at the
season finale and the final two bachelors, Chris L. and Roberto, vying
for Ali's heart and the final rose." This probably means a ten minute montage of things that already happened followed by thirty seconds of dramatic people-standing-around-looking-serious footage from the actual finale.Now you 'fess up, Bachelorette fans: What do you hope to learn during next week's Men Tell All Special?
(Image courtesy of ABC)