'Bachelorette-Bites': Of Ice and Men
'Bachelorette-Bites': Of Ice and Men
Meghan Carlson
Meghan Carlson
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
This week on The Bachelorette, Ali and her final nine traveled to Iceland to explore the icy sites ... and each other's souls. (Ha, ha. RIGHT.) Anyway, it was really boring. At least after last week's tattoo-terrorizing, weatherman-weeping magnum opus of uncomfortable.

Two more guys saw the ugly end of the rose (the thorns) and seven got one step closer to marrying Ali--or at least flying to a more temperate climate. Here's what went down:

Roses are Red, Frank is Blue...
With the reward of a one-on-one hanging in the icy balance, each of the 9 remaining guys is tasked with writing a love poem (partly in Icelandic) for Ali, and then must recite it for her and the group. Each poem is predictably trite and terrible (as they should be--we don't want to be moved, we want to be entertained) except for Kirk's, which is creative, personal and sweet, and Frank's, which is ... Frank-ish. Which is to say, over-the-top. He gallivants and bellows and twirls his long, curly beard while he recites his trollish verses, because he is Rumpelstiltskin, as I have said several times and yet can't bring myself to commit to calling him full-time. AND he brings up an ex-girlfriend in the poem. (Never a good idea, fellas who don't read Bachelorette articles but whom I rhetorically address anyway!)

chrisn-speaks.jpgI CAN TALK! ...But I won't.

But, most importantly: Chris N. SPEAKS! The contestant formerly thought to be mute decides to memorize his poem for Ali, but, due to lack of use, his vocal chords give out, as does his brain, and all he can really muster is that he and Ali should "heat up Iceland and head out." Well, one of you is heading out now...

Kirk wins the one-on-one date, and Frank is Sad Panda that his years of love poem writing experience were not appreciated. Meanwhile, Kasey is still over there in the background, biding his crazy-time, thinking his crazy-thoughts. "I want her all to myself. [TO MURDER] I don't want to share [HER SKIN]," he says, maniacally touching the tips of his hobo-glove-wearing hands together. In time, Kasey. In time.

Sweatin' It
For their special alone time in Iceland, Kirk and Ali explore a sweater store (local culture!) and feed the birds, then go to dinner in their matching sweaters like an old, adorable married couple. Ali feels like Kirk is holding back details about his past, and then he reveals that a few years ago, he almost died of mold/asbestos poisoning. He goes into vast, excruciatingly specific detail about the terrible effects of the illness on his nervous system, in the end coming back to the heart of the matter: that almost dying made him realize that love is important, and he feels lucky that Ali wants him and makes him want to be a better person. During the story, Ali has a look on her face like "YIKES!" but afterward she says she admires his strength, and he gets the rose. Go Kirk! Mold-free and cute-full in 2010.

Ride My Pony and Explore My Cave
Unfortunately, that is not how Ali's group date card read when it was delivered to Roberto, Chris L., Chris N., Craig, Ty, and Frank--but that is exactly what they did! Ty turned into Captain Cowboy to help Chris L. and the others wrangle their defiant Icelandic ponies across the tundra to an underground cave, where, shockingly (to me and anyone else who's ever seen The Descent) they are not confronted by flesh-hungry demons, and they do make it out alive. PHEW! But also: SNORE.

Later, Ali takes the guys to a Blue Lagoon for a healing swim and a game of make-out-around-the-rosie, where Grumpy Rumpy finally apologizes after being a standoffish Debbie Downer all day. Drunk Ali forgives him, and then Drunk Ali ("Ohmigodch, it's like the Beauty enda Beast rose!") gives Ty the rose for his go-getter cowboy attitude. Meanwhile, Chris L. continues to be the best just by being himself.

ty-rose-ali.jpgTake this frozen rose as a symbol of my cold, frost-bitten heart.

Rated R Vs. Rated cRazy
For her final date of the week, Ali has Kasey and Justin on a two-on-one, which means at the end of the night, one stays and one goes. It's a CREEPY LIAR-DOUCHE SHOWDOWN! And Justin's been busy all week getting his foot-cast off, sharpening his horns and trimming his underlip bro-patch into the perfect satanic triangle just for this occasion.

Ali takes them to Iceland's Eyjafjallajokull volcano, which erupted just a couple of weeks after they decided to fly a helicopter directly over it and then land on top of it. Considering who she's got on this date, I wouldn't be surprised if Ali looks back and curses her bad timing.

After a little, boring, chemistry-lacking while on top of the volcano, the three of them explore a glacier, where they find a cave full of furniture made of ice, where Justin lays on the charm (as in Lucky Charms, because they are bad for you and substance-less and peddled by a scheming, smarmy leprechaun) and Kasey finally shows Ali his love-tat. Her response: "Your mom's going to kill you!" And then: "That's really special." Translation: Restraining Order!

Finally seeing that Kasey's more unstable than Eyjafjallajokull (that is just fun to type!) Ali gives Justin the rose (really, Ali? You couldn't have just ditched them both) and leaves Kasey out in the cold--literally. As in, she and Justin get back in the helicopter, and Kasey is left alone on the desolate glacier with only his searing, self-inflicted skin stamp and a camera crew to keep him warm. Bye, Kasey! I hope you find the girl who's meant to guard and protect your heart, and I hope you don't end up putting hers in a jar in your freezer.

kasey-deserted.jpgIsn't this the opening scene of The Thing?

The Rose Ceremony
After kicking out Kasey, Ali has one more guy to send home. Chris N. makes Ali's decision an easy one by using his alone time to say that his silly side is that he really loves Mexican food, and going in for an awkward hug that Ali then rejects. "I'm 100% percent confident that im going to be getting a rose tonight," Chris N. tells the camera. And I'm 100% confident that no one on this show has any idea how to accurately calculate confidence-percentages.

Kirk, Ty and Justin already have roses, and Frank, Chris L., Roberto and Craig receive the next four. Which means that Chris N., that silent wonder who loves Mexican food and kind of looking like Josh Groban, is no more. And I shake my fist at the heavens, wondering "Was Amanda Bynes not enough? Must you take away another star before his time? Why? WHYYYYY?"

Next Week: Istanbul (not Constantinople) and shirtless wrestling. Plus, Ali finally finds out which guy has a girlfriend and kicks him out in what looks to be a spectacularly scattered and scathing way. YES! DRAMA! COME BACK TO ME, DRAMA! I missed you this week.

Be sure to check back tomorrow for the full report on tonight's Bachelorette episode, but until then:

  • Kasey vs. Justin: Shouldn't Ali have just kicked 'em both out at once?
  • Roberto vs. Chris L. vs. Kirk: Definite top 3 right here. Who's your favorite?
  • Craig R.: Was his fake tattoo funny or insensitive?
  • Ty: What's your take? I can't get a good read.
  • Frank: Creepy or committed?
  • The Weatherman: Do you miss him as much as I do?