'Bachelorette-Bites': Jonathan Cries, Justin Gets Crucified
'Bachelorette-Bites': Jonathan Cries, Justin Gets Crucified
Meghan Carlson
Meghan Carlson
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
Hey, Bachelorette buckaroos! Before I get into tonight's man-meaty episode, a little shop talk: instead of slaving over a lengthy recap every Monday night after two hours of rose 'n romance reality television, I'm moving to a short-and-sweet, high-and-low night-of piece (which I'm calling Bachelorette-Bites -- and when the show is particularly painful, we can take out that hyphen), and your full, snark-filled recap will come in the am. The change frees me up to tweet to my cold, dead heart's content with you all during the show (hit me up at @BTVBachelorette!), not to mention gives me a full night's rest to dream up all my amazing jabs about the guys! It's really a win-win-lose. (Where you and I both win, and the guys on The Bachelorette lose. As they should.)

So that's that. Now, your Bachelorette bites for the night: Who cried? Who died -- of embarrassment? Who got sent home and who, against all odds and his own efforts to look as terrible as possible, stayed?

Rrrrrrromantic Rrrrrroberto:
Ali took Roberto on a "danger date," the sure-fire Bachelor method to make sure he's in this thing for a long, looong time. (Proof: Jake and Vienna went bungee jumping. Jillian and Ed scaled a building. Apparently, putting on a harness and tempting gravity is the recipe for love.)

Ali likes Roberto because he "makes her feel safe," which is what she says about every guy she likes on this show. Is she in constant fear for her personal safety at all other times?

After walking the thin line, Roberto flaunted his Spanish (and French, and Italian) speaking skills, and Ali asked him for a "beso." Rose received.

The Barenaked Embarrassment:
Ali brought the Barenaked Ladies (yes, they still exist -- I was surprised, too!) on her group date, and revealed to the guys that: A) they would be shooting a music video, and B) she has a bad case of "white girl can't dance," a syndrome I too am afflicted with.

Most of the scenes between the guys and Ali take place in bathtubs and beds, and look like expositions of soft-core films (not that I would have any idea what those look like). Besides their terrible acting skills, most of the guys do well until Hurricane Awkward (Jonathan) hears he'll need to kiss Ali in his scene, and proceeds to: try to back out of it, start shaking, physically back away from Ali, plead with his audience to stop watching (and cringing), and then start crying. Eventually, Ali planted a pity kiss on his poor, tear-soaked little face. What a MAN!

Chris L. put it best: "Today was a big day for the weatherman. First kiss with Ali. First kiss in a music video. First kiss ... ever."

Even MORE shocking? Even after Ali literally laughed in his face later that night when he asked for a real first kiss, Jonathan turned into Seal at this week's rose ceremony, and magically managed to get a "Kiss from a Rose." (Boom! Seal joke! It's a night FULL of outdated musical references!)

Rated R for Ruh-Roh:
Before Hunter's one-on-one date, Justin "Rated R" Rego, entertainment wrestler and roid-rageous fame whore, decided his broken foot was holding him back, and it was time for some over-compensation, so he made the ?-mile trek to Ali's house on his crutches, making sure to keep it a secret from the other guys in the house, who have been able to smell his shadiness from Day One. Ali, on the other hand, was impressed by his crippled dedication (cripplication?). The clincher: He brought baby pictures to show off. The Bachelorette was totally sold, and Justin got some solid snuggle time as reward.

Unfortunately, his scheme backfired when the guys noticed that Hunter's date started late (though the later the better, because that awkwardness needed to end before it started) and Ali let it slip to Rrrrroberto about the home visit. Ty and Kasey led the charge to call out the wrestler on his fake-itude. After futilely trying to defend his good intentions to the group, Justin went off to a dark corner to cry it out, but it was no-more-tears time when Ali rewarded his pariah-hood with the final rose of the night, leaving bit players Steve ("the body") and John C. ("the eyebrows") in the dust along with poor Hunter, whom Ali sent home after his one-on-one date for their lack of a "romantic connection."

Be sure to check back tomorrow for the full recap of tonight's Bachelorette episode, but until then:

  • What's your take on Justin "Rated R" Rego: fake snake or misunderstood stud? My use of the term "fame whore" should indicate to you where I stand.
  • Of the three men who stole Ali's heart tonight -- Roberto, Kirk and Chris L. -- who's your fave? I'm all about Chris L.--and that tattoo? There aren't enough "AWWWW!"s in the world.
  • And, lastly but all too importantly: Why the EFF did Ali keep the weatherman around for another week? Please explain this to me. I am a woman drowning in confusion.