'Bachelorette-Bites': Do They Give Out Emmys for Awkwardness?
'Bachelorette-Bites': Do They Give Out Emmys for Awkwardness?
Meghan Carlson
Meghan Carlson
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
Because if they do, this episode of The Bachelorette would win them ALL. Forever and ever.

There is just too much awesome to cover in our Bachelorette bites tonight, but never fear, because tomorrow's full recap will include every ... single ... excruciatingly uncomfortable ... moment. And song. And Jonathan facial expression. And terrible tattoo. Tonight, we must simply try to navigate, process and understand what it is that we just saw. Oh, the horror. Oh, the (in)humanity. Oh, The Bachelorette -- you are SO GOOD this season!

Let's run down the highs, aka Kasey (Get it? Because he is hiiiigh if he thinks that tattoo was a good idea) and lows, aka Jonathan (Haha, get it again? He's short) of tonight's episode, Bachelorette week 4, when Ali took the guys to the Big Apple, and together these 11 men out-crazied all the bums in New York City:

Krazy Kasey
Ali took Kasey on a helicopter tour of New York City, and then to the American Museum of Natural History, where they walked around and looked at dinosaurs and giant ground sloths (seriously the best skeleton of the best animal to have ever existed, look it up) while Kasey tried, over and over and over and over and over and OVER, to convince Ali that he would be the best guy to "guard and protect her heart." Seriously, he says that phrase so much, I think he actually wants to marry it. ("I'm that guy who wanted to guard and protect all the ladies' hearts." -- Kasey's tombstone) And he improvised not one, but two love songs to help his cause. The lyrics of which made no sense (Just a taste: "At the end of the night, I'm not just your average Joe / But I hope in my hindsight / I'll see and find a rose") which, in and of itself (the lyrics not making sense), actually makes sense, because Kasey is a grade-A loon.

Actual human being that she is, Ali was not impressed, but she could see that Kasey was trying so hard, so she didn't give him the date rose, but asked him to stick around and, this time, show her his "genuine" side. And Kasey vowed that he would. And now my jaw is broken from DROPPING so hard!

Can You Feel the Flu Tonight?
The next day, Ali had a group date with Roberto, Jesse, Ty, Craig, Kirk, Frank and Jonathan where she invited them to "The Lion King" stage on Broadway and made them dance and sing for her like the happy little puppets that they are. Rrrrroberto won the day with his rrrrromantic rrrrrrendition of "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" and in doing so, won the chance to strap on a loin cloth, a harness and Ali to be part of a scene in the musical.

Unfortunately, Ali was feeling under the weather (cheese poisoning from her date with Kasey), so the after-party was kind of a bust. Frank saw that Ali was sick, and took the opportunity to take her outside in the rain and talk about himself. Finally, after dragging herself around for a while, Ali let Kirk (FYI, we love him, he is now "the best" with Chris L.) take her to bed and tuck her in. While Kirk sung a lullaby and kissed his beloved on her contagious mouth, Jonathan pouted like an angry little goblin about how he never gets to be alone with Ali and called himself a "schmuck" for sucking at everything all the time. Fair enough, Jonathan. But I love to watch you schmucking. Your schmuck is the most entertaining kind of schmuck.

Rallying for Radin
For her third and final date of the week, Ali invited birthday boy Chris L. (aka "the best," alongside Kirk) over to her suite because she was still feeling sick. (Kasey's cheese-levels were super poisonous. Basically the deadliest cheese known to man.) He brought her soup and flowers (still the best!) and opened up more about his family life, including his mother who passed away. Rejuvenated by Chris's awesomeness, Ali got up, got dressed (by her stylists) and went to dinner with him, where she surprised him with a concert by her favorite artist, Joshua Radin. ("Happy birthday! I hope you enjoy MY favorite musician. Here, have some flu, too." - Ali) And Chris got the rose. Duh! He's the best.

Uh, Whuuuuuut?!
Before the Rose Ceremony, Kasey learned his lesson about "sincerity" by going to a tattoo parlor and getting a tattoo on his wrist of a shield protecting a heart, with a rose and 11 shining diamonds (to represent the 11 men left in the running, LOL) on his wrist. "I'm literally wearing my heart on my sleeve," he said triumphantly ... to the camera. But not to Ali. He didn't show the tattoo to Ali. Instead, he got in a fight with Rated R about who is a bigger creep and liar, and then he went home to consult his dictionary again about what "sincerity" means, because earlier, when he got the tattoo, he accidentally mixed it up with "STALKER."

And then, just for good measure, Jonathan busted out his guitar and sang Ali another song.  One last schmucking for the road! And then, unfortunately, but not at all surprisingly, Ali sent him home, along with Hot Jesse, who was oh so hot but not much else, but was still sooo hot that it probably should have been enough to keep him around for at least another week. At least over Kasey. And Justin. And Frank. And Chris N., because who is that again?

Be sure to check back tomorrow for the full recap of tonight's Bachelorette episode, but until then:

  • Kasey's songs: WHAT?! (No, seriously, please tell me: WHAT?!)
  • Roberto: Are you loving him or meh-ing him? I can't decide.
  • Who is more the best: Chris L. or Kirk? I know -- it's like choosing between your children (whom you have never met and do not know personally).
  • Will you miss Jonathan? Because I already do.