What is "news"?

Is it the relevant, insightful reporting and analysis of topics that affect our lives and our world? Or is it the drawn out, jazzed up re-purposing and presentation of tidbits about long-forgotten pop culture stars, presented by "journalists" who use words like 'haterade' and 'verklempt'?

If you answered "I think it's that first one," well it's time for you to make an appointment with the eye doctor, because if you were seeing 20/20, you'd know that finding out how many women Bob Guiney slept with in 2003 is most certainly news, and "Did that one British Bachelor, I forget his name, get orthodontic work so that American women would kiss him on TV?" is a question that definitely needs delving into.

Luckily, 20/20, ABC's premier newsertainment series, was there to answer these tough questions and more in their "Inside the Bachelor: Stories Behind the Rose" special last night. And, boy, did I learn a lot, and have so much fun learning it, too. "I hope you're not allergic to roses," host Chris Connelly literally said on air. Hahaha, somebody give this guy a Pultizer right now, because I am not allergic to roses, but I think I might be allergic to hard-hitting journalism. I feel a knowledge coma coming on!

Anyway, here are the 9 most important lessons I learned from the 20/20 "Inside the Bachelor: Stories Behind the Rose" special.

Lesson #1: Making peanut butter and honey sandwiches as a couple means that "love conquers all."
So you've only known your fiance for four months, you're unable to answer basic questions about his/her past and you've only lived your relationship on camera? No worries, my little Barbie and Ken dolls, because according to 20/20, as long as you know how to make your sweetie-pie's favorite sandwich, you're on a straight course for "happily ever after." And if that sandwich is a nauseating combination of sticky-sweet ingredients and empty calories? Well, I don't need to tell you how appropriate that is.


Lesson #2: Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire? is an actual TV show that existed and made it to air in 2000, because NOBODY, out of the thousands of people who worked toward its production and airing on Fox, thought it might possibly be the worst idea for a TV show ever.
It's not that I never knew this show existed, just that I had blocked it out for good reason. But, now that you've reminded me, thanks a lot, people of the year 2000, for setting this whole reality romance horror machine into motion. (People of the year 2000 who are now older, not at all wiser, and making shows like Conveyor Belt of Love: "Oops, we did it again!")


Lesson #3: Chris Harrison realizes that his job is redundant and annoying.
But he'll just keep on saying "This is the final rose of the night" anyway, over and over and over for eternity, because they pay him millions of dollars and fly him to exotic locales to do it. This isn't so much a lesson as it is a message to give up on your dreams because this world makes no sense and doesn't care about your hard work. Sorry.


Lesson #4: "The Bachelor finale is our Superbowl." (Says a super-smart relationship therapist who definitely gets paid the right amount of money to make astute observations about women's minds.)
In other news from the Land of Women, mixing nail polish shades is our "being a scientist," getting something on sale is our "getting elected President," and playing sports is our "having an excuse to wear spandex." This lady gets it!


Lesson #5: Mike Fleiss = The Fly
He subsists on plant nectar, tree sap and the negative energy caused by traumatic public humiliation.


Lesson #6: According to Mr. Fly-ss, most Bachelors average "3 sexual encounters" during the show, but Bachelor Bob scored "5 and a half."
In the interest of full disclosure, a "half" sexual encounter on The Bachelor is defined as seeing a woman without her microphone on.


Lesson #7: When talking about how embarrassed you were to look stupid on national television, it's a good idea to make this face.


Lesson #8: Using your diamond engagement ring to split the lip of the guy who gave you that ring and used those lips to declare his love for you on TV is an "accident."
Like how getting arrested two years in a row on your birthday is a "coincidence." And how being charged as drunk and disorderly is a "misunderstanding." And how being in intense denial about your problems is a good thing to be on national television.


Lesson #9: "Royalty" is now an ambiguous term devoid of any merit or respect.
In the "Where Are They Now?" segment, we learned that ex-Bachelor and "prince" Lorenzo is considered "royalty in the pet world," which means that he hosts online "boning ceremonies" for dogs and peddles pet shampoos on QVC. "Where are they now?" More like, "NOWHERE are they now," am I right?

It's too bad they don't give college credit for watching 20/20, because I'm exhausted from all that learning I just did. Now it's your turn: what lessons did YOU learn from "Behind the Rose"? (Besides that it's very, very difficult to hide anything behind a tiny little rose. Oh, 20/20!)