'The Bachelorette' Week 5 Recap: Going 'West Virginia Backwoods Hoodrat' in Britain
'The Bachelorette' Week 5 Recap: Going 'West Virginia Backwoods Hoodrat' in Britain
Meghan Carlson
Meghan Carlson
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
Tonight, The Bachelorette travels to jolly ol' London Town! And I attempt to use every Britishism I have ever learned, from the Harry Potter films mostly. Don't be daft, it's going to get cheeky!

Are you annoyed yet?

I hope not as annoyed as you are that Kalon and Ryan are STILL here. I started out this season with fairly strong feelings of "like" for Emily. But I don't know if I can truly grow to L-word her (lesbian/love) if she keeps having such poor judgment about these plonkers. (That's British for "reality TV contestant.")

Once again, Emily has brought her daughter to another international destination, just so they can spent very little time together and so none of the guys can meet her. Emily is excited to be in London because it's "old." Funny, that's the same logic she used when she accepted the proposal of Brad Womack.

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Chris Harrison greets the guys in London, and finally drops the big ol' H-word ("HUSBAND!!!!"). Everyone is like, "Ahhh! I mean yay!" Weird how no one figured THAT'S where this was all going, what with all of Emily's constant, adorable talk of "a million more babies yesterday."

So the men put their luggage in the boot, mind the gap and talley-ho in a lorry to their brand new flat. (I'm basically Hermione!) There, they find the first date card, which is addressed to Sean and says "Love takes no prisoners." Well, except for Emily's current version of love, where the men are literally held prisoner in a loft when they're not on supervised dates with her. In a heavy-handed moment of foreshadowing, Kalon ominously says that he is "frustrated" that things are not going "as he planned." Because he's not getting that coveted private time with Emily ... that he needs in order to INSULT HER DAUGHTER AND/OR KILL HER! Kalon is extremely dodgy.

Date #1: Exploring/Screaming At London with Sean

Emily is excited to spend the day with Sean because he is both "great looking" and "so sweet." That is essentially all we know about Sean so far, and it's a little disturbing that they've spent four weeks together ("together") and it's all Emily knows, too. Then again, Sean says things like this: "London's calling, and uhhh, you know, I'm gonna answer." Oh boy. At least he's pretty.

The date is basically a tour of all of London's cliches. They ride one of those double-decker buses, check out Big Ben and Westminster Abbey, and take cheesy pictures in front of those red phone booths. All the while, Emily recites boring facts about the places like a Barbie Robot with low batteries.. Example: "This .. is .. where Prince William ... and Kate Middleton ... shared their ... first kiss." So Emily and Sean kiss there. And take a picture of themselves kissing there, while a camera man films them taking a picture of themselves kissing there.

Meanwhile, back at the flat: Kalon escalates his rampage of douchebaggery by telling Jef and Arie that any date with Emily will "always be a double date" because of that tiny human-shaped impediment, or "BAGGAGE," known as Emily's daughter Ricki. The other dudes seem surprised that the guy who showed up in a helicopter, and who has repeatedly said that he wants his "first born" to be of his own DNA, is a wanker. They try to defend Emily, but are unable to reason with Kalon, because it's been scientifically proven that if you name your son "Kalon," he WILL grow up to have stupid thoughts AND believe that only his stupid thoughts are valid.

Back on the date, Emily and Sean sit down at a park to talk feelings. Emily compliments Sean for being "not boring," which is such a great compliment in so many ways.

They then immediately come upon Ye Olde "Speaker's Corner," which is I guess some sort of special soapbox where old British guys can stand up and voice their complaints about soggy crumpets and whatever else old British guys complain about. So Sean decides to get up and give a loud, proud, bombastic speech about what LOVE IS! I want to make fun of it, but it's the most we've heard him say ever, and he's doing his best on the spot here. He doesn't claim to have any grand wisdom about love, but says the word "love" a LOT, and that he's "hopeful" for his future with "this girl right here." One of the old men who serves as a keeper of the Speaker's Corner tells Sean, "Aw, you did a good job." British people are very polite that way. Emily says that it was "hot" to hear Sean yelling to all these strangers.

For dinner, Emily takes Sean to the Tower of London. LOLOLOL. But why such an uncomfortable and macabre setting? Emily explains: "My date card said "Love takes no prisoners," and I thought it would be fitting, because we are in a prison, and love does take no prisoners." Great explanation. Summed it up so perfectly.

Emily launches in again on all the stuff she learned while reading the "London" page on Wikipedia today. Before he can even sip his wine, she warns Sean that if he's not careful, she'll behead him the same way Henry VIII did to two of his wives. She sounds like she has a cold, which makes her voice sound all husky and serious -- making this threat way less cute, and much scarier. Be careful, Sean! She's not joking that you're disposable.  She's got nine other guys waiting in the wings. That's three more than Henry had wives! (I can use Google, too, Emily.)

Meanwhile, back at the flat: The group date card comes, and it says, "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet," and Alejandro is the only one who realizes it's Shakespeare. In a rare moment of self-awareness, one of the guys laughs and calls them all dumb, macho meatheads. The card is addressed to Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John and Kalon. Kalon is, once again, selfishly furious that he has to share Emily, because he keeps forgetting what show he is on. The malicious dimple in his chin looks like it's ready to jump out of his face and murder everyone. He says THIS rose is going to "smell like sh*t." No, that's your soul. What a bellend.

Back on the date, it's Sean and Emily's first one-on-one date, so obviously they talk about how many kids they're going to have together. (If Emily ever has conversation that DOESN'T mention children, I will eat my own fist because that will never happen.) Anyway, kids. I think they settled on having ... a bajillion?

With the intoxicating image of Sean's mighty sperm repeatedly impregnating her, Emily gives him the rose, and they kiss on top of the Tower of London with the bridge behind them.

emily-sean-toweroflondon.jpgThe way she's attacking his face, I'm pretty sure Emily wants to do a lot of different things to Sean's head, and none of them include chopping it off.

Date #2: Butchering Shakespeare in Stratford-Upon-Avon

Oh god. I have been looking forward to/dreading this date all week. Emily's voice is almost gone, which makes it even more PERFECT that the "date" is performing scenes from Romeo and Juliet. The romantic play about two teenagers who fell in love, got married after a day, caused their families to kill each other and then killed themselves. (Emily: "I thought it would be fitting, because we are basically teenagers who want to get married in a day, and, like love, death also takes no prisoners.")

There are three Shakespeare experts there to help them through the scenes. I wonder what crime they committed that the Shakespeare Society forced them into this?

Everyone gets scripts, which means it's time for an "American Meatheads Butchering the Bard" montage. Emily just wants the guys to have fun with it, because part of being a dad means being able to look silly and stupid and dress up in pantaloons on TV.

The Shakespeare experts decide that Ryan, Kalon, Alejandro and John will play Romeo in various scenes. Kalon: "I am not surprised, I was born to play this role." If you mean you were born to poison yourself, then YES PUHLEASE. Doug and Arie are amused/mortified to learn they'll be playing the nurse(s).

doug-nurse.jpg"I'm already a dad, so I feel like maybe I should be exempt from this assignment."

Ryan is wearing a douchey scarf over his button-down shirt. He just keeps getting worse. Arie can barely read, but it's OK because he tries to work through it and has a sense of humor about how dumb he sounds. I love Arie because he is cute and makes lots of money driving a car around in a circle, and no amount of illiteracy will change my mind about that.

Kalon takes his role VERY seriously -- yet another sign that he is a true psychopath. Even though we can't see his pants, I'm pretty sure he pops a semi when he gets to read, "Arise sun, and KILL the envious moon!" He manages to turn one of Romeo's most romantic speeches into a death threat. Then, when Emily comes over to chat with Kalon and Ryan, Kalon cuts her off, says, "We need to get back to rehearsing," and tells her to LEAVE. Hahahahaha. Emily: "Who does he think he is?" Uh, pretty sure he thinks that he's "that dude who will get memorable screentime for just openly being a dick to you." And you're taking it.

Time for costumes! Arie summarizes the date so far with a simple, "F*ck my life." Now it's time to perform! Emily loves how much fun all her pre-husbands are having with each other. A lot more fun than these poor bystanders are going to have while watching this mess. I hope they at least got a snack.

Kalon is up first, and his face is pure red with effort and rage. His "romantic" speech still sounds like the pre-murder ramblings of a madman.

kalon-evilromeo.jpg"O, that I might touch that cheek! ... and slice it up, Dexter style!"

John and Doug have a lot more fun with their scene between Romeo and the nurse. Then hokey Travis does his hokey sword-fighting thing with cowboy boots over his khaki pants. Just like in Shakepeare's day.

travis-boots.jpgDO YOU BITE YOUR THUMB AT US, BRO?
NO, BRO, I DO NOT BITE MY THUMB AT YOU, BRO, BUT I BITE MY THUMB, BRO!

Arie's lines are almost unintelligible, but he's very funny in his dress and wig and old-lady voice, and that's enough to make Emily break character and tell him he's "such a good sport." An an aside, Emily looks so spray-tanned in these confessional interviews that I think they should switch plays, and she should play Othello. (Moor joke!!!! Anyone? ... No?)

Then it's time for the big kiss scene between Ryan and Emily. Ryan isn't much of an actor, but he loves the idea of forcing himself upon a dead girl, so there's some real passion in his speech. Arie is a little jealous, but doesn't quite know how to express it: "If Shakespeare was alive today and saw Ryan, he would say, "Thouest ... suck." SICK BURN, DUDE! But don't worry, Arie. I still love you, even in a dress. Ryan decides that Shakespeare's lines weren't good enough as-written, so he does a little improv, declares, "But I'm not dead yet!" (pure poetry) and gets two kisses in. That dog!

We don't get to see Alejandro's Romeo acting because no one cares about Alejandro, including Emily.

It's time for the post-Shakespeare Play Afterparty, which means it's time for the BIG DRAMA of the night: The blowout about the much-anticipated "baggage" comment! YESSSS, Emily is gonna go "West Virginia backwoods hood rat" on Kalon. Whatever THAT means! I hope she goes for the face.

But first, Emily gets a couple good moments in with some of the guys. She tells Arie "you're the best!" and rewards his adorable illiteracy with a kiss.

Then Ryan grabs Emily and locks her in a room of velvet curtains (symbolizing how he'd like to be locked in her velvet curtains? ewww, sorry) so he can give her a bribe present: A turquoise necklace! OMG!!! Emily is happy and surprised, because the guy she marries can't just be great looking and sweet. He also has to buy her things. Ryan just got himself off Emily's sh*tlist. But I still loathe him.

Meanwhile, Kalon is still pouting like a little bitch, and sarcastically says that he can't WAIT to have a chat with the "exhausted, sick mother who has a child waiting at home."

kalon-yuckface.jpg"See how I said that terrible thing, and then when I made this dumb face, the thing I said sounded even WORSE? You can't teach that kind of acting. I'm just simply the best ... at being the worst."

Chris and Arie decide that they've had enough. They tell Travis and Doug that they heard Kalon say that Emily has a lot of "baggage" (child-sized baggage), and Doug, who if you forgot is also a DAD but how could you forget because he mentions it every five seconds, decides that he needs to tell Emily immediately. But first, he confronts Kalon to make sure it's true. Kalon: "Yeah. Not going to apologize for it. Also not going to retract it." Haha! Also not getting a good read on this room. Also just going to keep talking to emphasize how unrepentant I am.

He then claims that he just meant "baggage" as "responsibility." Like how part of Kalon's "baggage" (or "responsibility") as the world's biggest dickweed is to stick by the terrible things he says, even when the entire world rises up and tells him, "No. That doesn't make sense and it's stupid and you're an a**hole." It takes a lot of guts to be this unyielding and terrible. A lot of guts, and zero brain or heart.

Unfortunately for Kalon's "defense," negative connotations are real and most of us agree that calling a child "baggage" is a negative thing toward the child, and the mother who loves that child enough to go on a reality dating show to try to find that child a step-dad. Kalon the Open-Faced Villain, who doesn't even TRY to cover his tracks, OR his rosacea, has finally been exposed. I'm just surprised it took them this long.

Now that Kalon admitted it, Doug goes to Emily and tells her. Immediately the tables turn, and now SHE'S the one contemplating murder. Doug reminds Emily that the initial knee-jerk angry reaction isn't always the best reaction, and she's like, "Shut up, we're on TV! I wanna rip his limbs off right now, so let's just roll with it."

Emily comes out and takes off her jacket, because it's business time. Doug serves as moderator, and reminds everyone about how Kalon said the word "baggage" to describe a poor child. The correct word is "asset," at least according to Emily's contract with ABC.

Kalon again defends that he didn't mean "baggage" with a "negative connotation," and Emily retorts that Ricki is her heart and soul, and everyone should know that she will be a blessing to whichever man wins her as his child. He pipes up, and Emily throws his old line back in his FACE: "I love to hear you talk, but not until I'm done." (Actually, Kalon said, "I love to hear you talk, but I wish you'd let me finish," but CLOSE ENOUGH!)

They go back and forth a little bit more, and it's clear that Kalon has no idea (or is really committed to acting like he has no idea) that what he said was insulting. She tells him to "GET THE F*CK OUT!" (that's American for "bugger off!") and he says, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Emily decides that Kalon is a terrible human being and he should be happy that she doesn't have a voice, or he'd really hear what she has to say.

In the SUV of Shame and Repentance, Kalon maintains that his comment was taken out of context, and that he is a "stand-up man." I expect that we'll be able to see him prove that when he's throwing paint-filled eggs at the ugly women on Bachelor Pad 3.

Emily takes a break and says that she is upset that she let someone like that "slip through the cracks," and she's also disappointed that the guys didn't tell her about Kalon's comment sooner. Now she's worried that these guys don't "have her back." Oh, woof. First of all, they DID tell you. Eventually. And second of all, everyone knows that one of the Bachelorette rules is that you're not supposed to trash-talk the other contestants to the girl you're trying to marry. You're supposed to "focus on us" and "what we're building" and "what we have outside of the competition." That's Bachelorette 101.

Anyway, Emily decides that as punishment, there will be no rose handed out tonight. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--just kidding, no one cares. Bye Kalon! You glorious knobhead.

Date #3: Tea Time with One-F Jef

Emily is still feeling "beat up" after the group date, so her date with the swoony skateboarder Jef starts off on a somber note. To make matters worse, they're going to some sort of Fancy British House for a Fancy Proper Afternoon Tea. There, they are greeted by Jean, a Fancy Proper Uptight Teatime Etiquette Teacher, who sounds like this: "HALoooooo! Ohhhh, no NO no no nooooooooo." Just what everyone needs: A disciplinary date! What an absolute, carefree delight.

Jef is annoyed with Jean and her stuffy rules and "thorough" criticisms about important things like how to eat two-bite sandwiches and how to administer jam to a scone. Finally, Jean leaves the table so Emily and Jef can have a "chat" ... and they take this opportunity to immediately ditch the tea and go to the pub, like the wild, rebellious Yanks that they are. In an adorable scripted scene, Jean returns and scoffs, "Strange! Where have they gone?" Poor Jean. She just wanted to share her OCD with the world!

Over a couple pints, Jef tells Emily that he was "sitting there" when Kalon was "saying that," and that he questioned Kalon and tried to defend Emily. Apparently Kalon's defense at the time was, "This is all dumb. But I want a free vacation." Again with the HUGE, unnecessary amounts of honesty! Yes, everyone who leaves the show says they enjoyed it for the same reason: It's an "adventure," a fun "journey," blah blah. But you're not supposed to say that until AFTER the show. These people must be even slower than we imagined, because it took them this long to realize Kalon was a scumbag. He was trying to beat them over the heads with it all along.

But enough about Kalon. Emily is smitten with Jef, but she's worried that he's still holding back with her. They go to the London Eye, which is a giant "egg-shaped thing" up high where you can see a 360-view of the city. The perfect place to have "dessert." (Emily hopes that will be "Jef's face" with a side of tongue. And champagne. And actual dessert that she will never touch.)

At dessert, Jef says all the right things, like that he never lies, and he likes that she stood up for herself to Kalon, and he feels like he could tell her anything, and he is ready to "give himself completely" to someone. Emily nods approvingly. But then he says some weird stuff, like that if he ended up with Emily, she'd come home and "me and Ricki would be having a dance party." It only sounds creepy, he doesn't mean it creepy. A few more earnest cliches later, like how he wants to marry his best friend, Emily gives Jef the rose because he's "so chill." Did she even listen to the speech he just gave?

It's the perfect moment for Jef to give Emily their first kiss, but the "chill" dude that he is, he gives another speech about how he wants to "show her why he's here" before he finally goes in and puts the mack on the girl.

"When I look at Emily, I feel a mix of literally a million emotions," Jef says as the date ends. Pretty sure we just heard him mention about 50 of them, so I guess we should feel lucky that they started kissing when they did.

As the romantic music fades, I wonder how many cucumber sandwiches a very heartbroken Jean is oh-so-properly "kissing" right now. Poor Jean the etiquette teacher. No man could possibly hold up to her dining standards. Forever alone.

Cocktail Party

Emily opens with a depressing speech about how she was not shown enough respect and lost a lot of confidence this week. Nevermind that everyone here, cast and crew, exist only to literally cater to her every wish. More respect is needed.

Everybody drink up! What a fun party this is going to be!

Then Emily goes on a misguided interrogation-spree, and asks all the guys why they didn't "stick up for her" to Kalon. Arie in particular gets a lot of heat. She TRUSTED him to know the hazy difference between trash-talking another contestant and "warning the woman you love about a snake in the grass."

But what about when you KNOW that snake-like contestant was cast on the show precisely because he's snake-like? Shouldn't you let things unfold, since that's his role? And what if it seems so extremely obvious, since the snake has been a non-stop asshat since he showed up in an asshat-helicopter, that you feel like you shouldn't HAVE to tell the girl that he's a snake/asshat? What if, deep down, you actually feel like SHE should have to answer for the fact that she's the one who's been "dating" the snake/asshat for four weeks and had no idea? WHAT ABOUT THAT ... SCENARIO ... HUH?!

Reality TV etiquette is so confusing. Where's Jean when we really need her?

Ugh. Ryan is wearing an entirely different, extremely douchey scarf again. He grabs Emily and once again domineers the entire interaction in an unnatural way -- this time by putting her on the balcony and reciting more lines of Shakespeare like a gorilla who just learned to speak. Because it took him an hour to interpret the lines, "But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? / It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. / Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, / Who is already sick and pale with grief, / That thou her maid art far more fair than she," Ryan makes sure to explain what they mean: "Basically, it's, err, sayin' that everythin' here is real beautiful, but none of it is as beautiful as you!"

Even though she's not entirely impressed that he reads at a seventh-grade level, Emily lets Ryan run up the stairs and kiss her for a while. Ugh. Even with the scarf?

emily-ryan1.jpgThen she runs into another room and makes out with Sean. All these kisses restore her confidence that one of these men could make her happy for the next 6 months to eternity. Except Ryan. Definitely never Ryan.

Rose Ceremony

Emily thanks the guys for being gentlemen and restoring her faith that at least one of them is a decent enough human being to be her fiance maybe eventually.

Prince Jef
and King Sean have their roses, and the rest go to...

Sir Doug, the Boring
Lord Ryan of Scarfington
Chris the Gerard Butler
John Wolf, the Lowly Serf
Lady Travis, the Obnoxious
Arie the Handsome Jester


Which means that poor, beautiful, forgotten Alejandro, the mute mushroom farmer, has slipped through the cracks no longer. Goodbye, Alejandro. We hardly knew you. I wish we knew you more. Instead of most of the men who are continuing on to exotic Croatia.

Next Week: Emily kisses a lot more guys in Croatia, but someone (Ryan? Ryan.) admitted that he is in this for the competition and "the prize," and that's not cool, because Emily willingly signed herself up for a competition show where she's the prize at the end. Uhhh. THEN, at the rose ceremony, in a BACHELORETTE FIRST, I think she's gonna take somebody's rose BACK! "I second guess myself. And now I guess I'm gonna have to take your rose back because I heard that you think of me as a prize, just because every week I stand you all in a line and hand out roses like talismans that make you feel like you just leveled-up in a video game." And then she's gonna run up to Chris Harrison and demand, "WHO ELSE HERE IS NOT ALL ABOUT ME?!" As your homework this week, find a social setting in which it would be completely inappropriate for you to say that, and say it.

And later this season:
Emily will fall in love with a lot of different people (danger of the game, yo), and cry all the self-tanner off her face.

(Images courtesy of ABC)

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