Like a traveling circus, The Bachelor
is a consistent, revolving display of stunts meant for mass appeal and mindless thrill. From trapeze-lovers to elephant-enthusiasts, this show has something for everyone! (Except people who enjoy things like books and dignity.) And every true fan has her true favorite
part of the freak show.
Are you tickled pink by the catfight that breaks out between women as they battle for the hot tub spot next to the Bachelor? YOU'RE RIGHT, it is
even funnier when you realize they're literally boiling alive!
Do you just adore watching the runner-up get crushed by the inevitable but nonetheless sharp dagger of rejection and sob uncontrollably on a bench in an ironically serene exotic location? I'M RIGHT THERE WITH YOU! A little schadenfreude is good for the soul!
But it's all about the first impression, if you ask me. The first impressions are as good as it GETS!
first impression is all about making yourself stand out in a crowd. But that doesn't mean you should be yourself, or even anything like a real human! That kind of rookie mistake will get you canned--unless you've got huge
cans, in which case it's better to not say anything at all, and just smile and nod. Best
Over the years, as Bachelor
contestants become more acclimated to the idea of selling their adult lives to a shiny stranger handing out roses, their gimmicks get cheesier, their pick-up lines get cornier, and their desperation becomes positively palpable. It's an All You Can Eat Buffet of Second-Hand Embarrassment, and I want seconds, please!
But coming up with the perfect blend of Bachelor bait is harder than you think. You have to, like, think really hard about it, for close to forever!
Maybe like ten minutes.
Below, check out some of the rejected first ideas the contestants came up with. Thank goodness they went with their better ideas!
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Give him a bag of soil from Texas to show their "common ground."First idea:
Hand him a bag of skeletons that I dug up from my family burial ground to show that heritage is important to me!
Say in Cambodian, "Jake, you can land your plane on my landing strip anytime."First idea:
Read him a chapter of my Cambodian erotic poetry and then just literally shove his face into my crotch to make sure he gets the message. But keep it classy!Ali Best idea:
Present Jake with a peacock feather, because they use them to "attract mates."First idea:
Douse myself in an alluring cocktail of mammal pheromones and subtly, romantically hump his leg. JessieBest idea:
Feel his arms, ask, "Do you have a registry for these guns?" and then giggle maniacally. First idea:
Hand him a gun and ask, "Do you have a registry for that gun? You don't? Well at least we have 24 targets!" Cackle maniacally, grab the gun back, and run inside.ViennaBest idea:
"First things first: Let's feel those famous abs!"First idea:
Slather him with A-1 sauce and lick it off while making quiet "Yum, yum!" sounds.EllaBest idea:
"How does it feel to be talking to the woman that you're going to marry?"First idea:
Surprise him by revealing that the benign-looking tax form he got in the mail a few weeks ago, signed and returned was actually a legally binding contract obligating him to pick me on penalty of death! Fine print, sucka! We're already married! I love you so much!!!!!!AshleyBest idea:
Give him a homemade "picker" wheel that has my face on every side!First idea:
Stab him in the heart with a pink arrow and then say "Cupid did it!" CUUUUUTE!!!MichelleBest idea:
"Fly" over to him with my arms out and tell him I hope I can be his co-pilot someday and that I would "love to be a passenger in his plane." (WINK!)First idea:
Pretend I'm a TSA agent and politely inform him that he's been randomly selected for a full cavity search. When he refuses, tase him until he's paralyzed on the ground. Hehe! Pilot humor! Then, as he comes to, kiss him on the forehead and tell him how much I want to have his babies.
Great work, ladies! Can't wait to see what you come up with as the Bachelor
Brain Trust continues. "Yum, yum!"Read the Recap:The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love Season Premiere Recap: Seatbelts Fastened, Tray Tables Locked, Barf Bags Ou