Tonight on The Bachelor: Jake meets the families of his final four ladies (Ali, Vienna, Tenley, and Gia) and learns more about why three of them are sweet and one of them is spoiled. (Guess who!)

Then, before the final rose ceremony, Jake is dealt a blow that will CHANGE EVERYTHING. And by "change everything," I mean there will be no rose ceremony, because one woman drops out and the rest will join Jake in St. Lucia. So not much will change, except that Jake isn't making this decision. And maybe that's for the best.

Before we begin, check out my alternate headlines for this livethoughts article. (Clearly "Blows Ceremony" needed to win, given its poetic wordplay that rivals Shakespeare.)

Which do you like best?

Homeward Frowned [Jake will be doing a lot of that tonight.]
Homeward Drowned [Metaphorically speaking... unfortunately. JK!]
Home Despot [Vienna reference: too harsh?]
Bringing Home the Mistaken [Mmm... bacon.]
Home is Where the Harm Is [This is simply true.]
Fly Away Home [Similar plot alert: A girl who can fly leads home some confused chicks who have lost their way and never stop quacking. ZING!]

Here we go, it's The Bachelor episode 6. What obstacles will these women and their parents put in front of Jake? Who will voluntarily leave the show before the trip to a romantic, exotic island? (Smart.) And will Jake cry AGAIN? (Yes.) All these questions and more are about to be answered before our eyes.

Don't forget to play On the Wings of Fun, the Bachelor drinking game! Picking apart other people's personal-made-public relationship issues is so much more fun with booze.

The episode begins with Jake packing for his flight-filled trip across the country this week. He's excited to get to know the final four around their families, and he's seeking approval from them, since he could be proposing to one of these women in 2 weeks, but he still doesn't know who. There's "love" for ya!

Date #1: Gia in New York

Gia jumps into Jake's arms when he gets to NYC, and they decide to get on a boat to see the city. (That is the best way to see NYC without actually "seeing" NYC! And by "seeing" New York, I mean catching a homeless man peeing into a plastic bag on the street. Urban living!)

They go on a photo frenzy in front of the Statue of Liberty, and then talk about how scary it is for Jake to meet Gia's parents. Jake prods Gia to talk about her past relationships, and she says she was with a "bad guy" who cheated on her with all her friends, and her last boyfriend had terrible communication skills and they fought all the time. (#1 is the Yankees guy, and #2 is the Senators guy, I think.) Pro tip: Don't date pro athletes. How about a reality TV star instead? Now there's a recipe for life-long happiness!

Meeting the family: Jake meets Gia's mom Donna, her step-father Tony, her step-brother Erick, and her half-brother Dylan. Gia and her mother cry when they see each other. They try to talk to each other every day. Gia says her mom is very "intuitive," so she'll be able to read Jake like a book. (Jake as a book? The Bible. Obvs.) Donna asks Jake for some private time so she can decide if he is good enough for Gia. She throws him some questions, and he says he's fallen for four women, but Gia is special because "she just has a way about her. She's amazing." (That's specific.) Gia's mom likes Jake, and she hopes she met her future husband. But she shouldn't hold her breath or anything.

Meanwhile, her brother Erick is afraid Jake is going to hurt Gia, and she admits she's put a wall up, and he tells her to "watch out." Good advice, bad hair, Erick! Nobody's perfect!

Gia's mom gives her (false) hope that Jake is in love with her, and Gia spills the news that Jake acts like that with everyone (true), but Donna is relentless: He loves you! You're the one! Step out onto the ledge! You'll grow wings on the way down, promise!

Jake assures Erick that he is protective of his lady, and Erick playfully threatens to break Jake's legs if he hurts her. Hope they catch that on film! Jake tells Gia's family that he "loves" them as they cheers at dinner. After dinner, Jake and Gia "sit on a stoop and watch taxis go by." Jake "loves it so much when she lets me in," (that's what he said) and Gia's doing that right now on the stoop. Emotionally. It's a magical moment, there on that random stranger's front stoop.

Date #2: Ali in Williamstown, MA

Ali jumps into Jake's arms (I'm sensing a theme here) and they sit down for a chat on a chilly bench.

When it comes to cold, Jake says, "I'm a big baby." (Replace "cold" with anything.)

Ali says as a kid she liked to grab leaves as they fell off trees and make wishes when she caught them. They go to a tree and make some wishes. I think their wishes were to make-out. Because that's what comes next.

Ali says the last time she was home was for her grandmother's funeral, and she wants Jake to know how important she still is, so she takes Jake to her grandmother's old house, where Ali was her live-in nurse when she got sick. It's very sweet and sad as she walks through the house with Jake. "I lost a mom that day," she says as they look at her portrait on the mantel. Jake says of the tour, "It was very sad, but in a way it was very intimate," and he appreciates that Ali would share that with him. They kiss as her grandmother's spirit looks down on them, and Ali imagines that she is in tears with happiness for Ali.

And now I need to stop typing because this is starting to sound creepy. 

Ali then takes Jake to her family's home, where he meets her mom Elizabeth, her sister Rhia, and her brother Mikey.

Ali says her mom is "not an easy lady to impress," and the family toasts at dinner before the grilling starts. Ali's mom tells Jake she went to YouTube to find out about him, and learned that he's looking for a heart of gold, and that's what Ali has. She takes Jake out for some private time to get to know him, while Ali and her sister dish in the kitchen. Elizabeth asks what family means to Jake, and he says it's "extremely important" (that's what it means?) and he's "blown away" by Ali, and asks what she'd think of his marrying her daughter. "She's the happiest I've seen her in a long time," says Mom, and she gives her blessing. Well, that was easy.

Mom and Ali talk, and Mom tells Ali she got a feeling that Jake is a good, genuine person, and her intuition tells her that he's good for Ali. (Oh, moms. So optimistic.) "My mother's intuition tells me, yes, she will have a ring on her finger. Usually my gut doesn't fail me." - Elizabeth. (Later: "Doctor, it's me, Elizabeth. I think something's wrong with my gut!")

At the end of the night, Ali tells Jake he's everything she dreamt she'd find in someone, and she wants to be there in the end. "If you asked me today, I would say yes." He responds by taking off his gloves, grabbing her face, and sucking on it. 

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