Tonight on the fourth episode of The Bachelor:
nine women remain with Jake Pavelka, and it's time for a "romantic RV adventure," which is a phrase usually designated for couples who are 65+, right? Jake will go on three dates this week: a 1-on-1 in a vineyard, a tense 2-on-1 dinner, and a 6-on-1 beach day where he will ask the group to "get dirty." (Now that's
a phrase I don't want to hear come out of my RV-driving Grandpa's mouth.) Here we go!
But before we get to that, I'd like to apologize to everyone who decided to play my original Bachelor Drinking Game
tonight, even though it was so fun and clever and abso-freakin-lutely accurate. Turns out it was TOO accurate, and anyone who followed half of the rules probably isn't reading this right now because you're so friendly with the bottom of your toilet bowl that you've named it Karen, and you just whispered to Karen that she's your "only friend," because you are drunk, and drunk people make very little sense. I'M SORRY! (But we should still play again next week, please? You won't even remember this tomorrow!)
Chris Harrison greets the remaining nine (Ella, Vienna, Tenley, Corrie, Gia, Kathryn, Jessie, Ali, and Ashleigh) by explaining they're leaving on a roadtrip, and points them to the two massive RVs parked in their mansion's driveway.
They are all like:
Mini toilets and hideaway beds, wheeeeee!
Ali, Tenley, Jessie, Kathryn and Ella pile into one, and thank their stars that Vienna isn't in their party. She's in the 4-seater with Gia, Corrie, and Ashleigh. Each RV is packed with champagne and a video camera, because clearly there are not enough cameras already documenting their journey, and a Bachelor
episode without champagne is just... not worth even imagining.
They arrive at a huge winery where Jake set up his tent (camping in the middle of a winery, totally normal, you know?) and did some other normal things while he waited for them:
Just a normal guy, doing normal guy stuff, like using a hand-held mirror to shave in the middle of a vineyard.
"I'm on TV? Oh, I guess I forgot! This is just such ho-hum, everyday stuff that I'm doing!" LOLOL.
I need some wine.Date #1: Gia
Jake picks up Gia on his motorcycle (ugh, ENOUGH already, Mr. Nice-Hog) to take her 100 meters away, to the other side of the vineyard, where they play Hide 'n Seek and Spin the Bottle (HAHA, I know!), and talk about how no one liked either of them at school. Jake's high school nickname was "Mr. Dateless," but I don't think that names only your disappointed mother called you because she was your only friend back then count as "nicknames."
For anyone interested in playing at home, the rules of Spin the Bottle for two players, according to Gia, are "1st time is cheek, 2nd time is lips, 3rd time is ALL THE WAY," but "ALL THE WAY" actually means makeout, not sex, because this is a middle school game, and a middle schooler would
get those two confused.
Jake calls the date the "beginning of a fairy tale," and I didn't know Judy Blume even wrote
Later, New Yorker Gia sees her first stars (sad!) at her first campfire (sad, bordering on pathetic!) where they eat s'mores and talk about babies. Gia's two dreams are to "adopt a little girl from China," and to get a pot-bellied pig.
They kiss, and a magical haze of romance envelops them. Or is that just the smoke from the fire Jake built? Whatever the case, Gia doesn't seem too bright, but gee whiz does Jake like her a lot. He gives her the rose. Gia calls it "the most perfect date ever."
A rose for the swimsuit model? No way! I didn't see that coming at all. The world is full of mysteries all around us, you guys. Date #2: Jessie, Ashleigh, Corrie, Tenley, Ali, Vienna
Jake hopes the ladies are ready to "get dirty," but unfortunately does not mean "Christina Aguilera style." Instead, they are going dune-buggying and sand-surfing on Pismo Beach.
During the date, the very forward Vienna irritates everyone more than the sand in their shorts, especially Ali, who says she will "puke in her mouth" if Vienna gets the group date rose. Their feud is heating up, but am I the only one who finds herself caring less and less? It's all just so... passive-aggressive. Like, Ali forces her way into Jake's dune buggy shotgun spot, and Vienna pretends to be fine with it by saying, "Have your fun with him, because I'm gonna marry him." That's it? C'mon, you guys! This is TV! We want aggressive
Tenley and Corrie remember that the date is about having fun in the sand with the guy that they like, I think his name is Jake? So they roll around on the dunes, and Jake appreciates both of their positive energies.
Later, at the group cocktail party at a fancy inn ("That CELEBRITIES go to!" -Tenley), Jake takes private meetings with each girl, and Vienna requests the final one, which really peeves Ali, because "Who the f*** does this girl think she is?"
During the alone time, Jake doesn't feel chemistry from Ashleigh (even though he feels her toes in his no-no areas), and Ali uses hers to pry about how Jake's feeling about his next rose ceremony. Sweet little Tenley rubs Jake's head in her lap and talks more about her painful divorce, and Vienna claims that everyone hates her because she's a truth-telling jokester. (We all know how much everyone hates those.) We don't see Jessie, so I'm assuming they forgot her at the beach.
So, by her ability to treat Jake like a puppy but also kind of by default, Tenley gets the group date rose, and Ali can keep her puke inside. For now. But Ashleigh probably can't, because she's got the drunk-eyes, and thinks that, "Tenley comes across as too bubbly. I would think someone was psychotic if they acted like that 24/7." Next: A 2-on-1 date sets off a Bachelor Bloodbath...(1) (2) NEXT>>