Date #3: Jackie
Date card: "Let's get our love on track." (GET IT, BECAUSE TRAIN!)
For his final date of the week, Brad takes Jackie on "her very own Pretty Woman
" experience." Brad, you know that movie is about a hooker, right? And I don't remember Richard Gere putting on a clay mask and getting a mani-pedi. Is that in the deleted scenes?
For the second part of her hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold transformation, Brad takes Jackie to a room full of prom dresses and quickly bolts so she can get her hair and makeup done before their dinner at the Hollywood Bowl, where he presents her with an awkward message:
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"For Jackie"? WHAT for Jackie? Did Brad BUY her the Hollywood Bowl? And what is the deal with "Love"? Did "Sincerely" sound too formal? "Best Regards" too business-like? I can't think of a fitting alternative, but it's too soon for "love." Especially with what comes next.
"It's the Hollywood Bowl. The Beatles have played here. Jimi Hendrix. And now ... TRAIN!" - Brad
In a direct rip-off of a date from that abomination known as Bachelor Pad
, Brad and Jackie have dinner on an elevated stage in front of the large Hollywood Bowl stage. He asks about her past relationships, and is shocked to discover she has only had two boyfriends in the past. "Wait ... Not everyone dates 20 people at a time?" Now Jackie is "afraid that Brad is afraid" of her, and Brad is afraid that Jackie is him from three years ago (back before he had his brain transplant). Brad grabs the rose and says he's worried that Jackie might not be
courageous enough to jump in and commit to this crazy Bachelor process that has treated him so nicely over the years. But he says he's "willing to hang in there if she's willing to hang in there," and she replies, "I do... as long as you want to." HOW ROMANTIC.
Brad asks "What would it take to make this day better?" (Here's a hint: Not Train!) But that's what it is. It's Train. Silver lining: They did NOT play "Hey Soul Sister." Black cloud: They played a song with the lyric "Marry me." No pressure, Jackie! Brad whispers, "Thanks for the perfect night" in her ear and ushers her back to the concubine room.Cocktail Party
It seems like months since Ashley and Brad went to the carnival. Probably because Michelle made time stand still with her IMPORTANT QUESTIONS for the Bachelor:
"Do you prefer Starbucks or The Coffee Bean? What is your fridge stocked with? Preferred milk fat percentage? Ice cubed or crushed? No, I'm not trying to get to know you. I'm trying to take your order."
Then they fist-pumped about Starbucks. "Then they fist-pumped about Starbucks." Someone put that one in the books, please. I want civilizations after us to know where we went wrong.
N E WAYZ, back to Michelle and Raichel in their ongoing Battle Over Nobody Knows What, Not Even Them. As far as I can tell, Michelle hates Raichel because Raichel has been "targeting" and "attacking" her and picking apart her words looking for inconsistencies. Meanwhile, Raichel thinks Michelle is a "toxic disease" who is trying to "obstruct the rest of [her] life on this 'journey'." They are both right. And yet they are both this
. I'll tell ya one thing: THIS SHOW IS OBSTRUCTING THE REST OF MY LIFE.
Then, separately, Melissa and Raichel embark on a mission of guarenteed mutual destruction:1. Talk to the other women about it until they surpass any form of sympathy and start to hate you. Ignore those who give you helpful advice, like "If Brad sees you calling her a psycho, that's not attractive." WRONG!
2. Cry all your makeup off while ranting about poison. Sexy!
3. Whine to The Bachelor, hoping HE'LL give you the sympathy you so richly do not deserve. He will not.
Bye bye to both of them.
Then Ali and Roberto (remember them?!) show up to interview each of the women because Brad can't do all the wife-vetting himself. What does he look like, A MACHINE? The women are thrilled to be chosen by committee: "Brad doesn't really get to talk to any of us, or get to know any of us, or spend quality time with any of us, so it's a good thing he's got some elves here to help him choose which of us should be his wife!" The Hunt for The Who's Here for the Right Reasons is ON! Whoever they like best gets a rose.
Melissa makes the mistake of telling Ali that she is "that girl" in the house, bringing about flashes of Vienna. She's a goner. Ali and Roberto love Emily and Chantal, and Emily gets Brad's pre-rose ceremony rose for being such a lovely, eerily perfect-looking angel-faced Barbie doll. And I mean that in a good way. I think I might be in love with her? I don't know, I have some confusing feelings to sort out. I definitely don't blame Brad for stumbling over his words when he talks to her. If she were a president, she'd be Babe-raham Lincoln.Rose CeremonyAshley H., Emily, Jackie and Michelle
already have roses.And the rest go to:
Chantal O. (Slappy!)
Sarah (Who?) ("It's like Christmas!") (No it's not.)
Shawntel N. (I like her! She seems down to earth for an undertaker.)
Madison (Vampire girl, who was in her coffin all week or something)
Meghan (Besides being my name twin, who?)
Lindsay (Adorable redhead who never gets to talk)
Britt (Hidden vixen!)Eliminated: Keltie, Raichel and Melissa.
Poor Keltie! She's so down on herself: "I'm the worst. I'm just so awkward. I think I'm maybe meant to be alone." NOOOO!!!!!! No one with such nice legs and fun choices in hats should be so sad. Chin up, Keltie!
Raichel: "I came here to fall in love, I didn't come here to get so upset by another girl. ... This wasn't my time." Sure, OK.
Melissa: "I'm a really nice person. It's just a shame, because I don't feel I deserved it." Right, uh huh.
After saying goodbye to this week's rejects, Brad assures his remaining 17: "We have all the time in the world." NO YOU DON'T. That's the whole point. Next Week:
Brad and some of the women "film an action movie," because we definitely need more filming of more terrible movies. Michelle completes her transformation into a horror villain. Emily tells the other women about her story. Brad and Ashley S. sing "Kiss from a Rose," and Seal is there, and he sings it too, and then all of us have "Kiss from a Rose" stuck in our heads forever and ever. See you then!
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