Date #3: Tenley in Newberg, OR

Jake rolls up in the back of a big, black SUV like some rapper, and Tenley greets him by jumping into his arms (I really have to remember to add that to the drinking game), and they take a walk through the Oregon woods.

They sit down for a chat, and she asks what role Jake's parents play in his life. Jake says he runs most everything past his parents because they give good advice, but he makes his own decisions. Tenley wants a "we," and Jake says "You have to be a "we" unit." They are the Knights Who Say "We!" (Sorry.)

Tenley takes Jake to her old dance studio and shows him around, and she says her ex-husband never appreciated that side of her. She surprises him with a dance she choreographed for him. "The dance that's in my heart, I want to share with you." She does a beautiful twirly, swirly lyrical routine (can't you tell I know so much about dance?) to the song that I don't know what it is called but many people use it for a wedding march. It's very sweet, except for that maybe-not-so-unintentional reference to marriage. I love Tenley, but I just worry about her getting those hopes up again just yet.

Tenley says, "I just wanted to go and hug him and say, thank you for letting me do this." Jake is shocked her ex never saw her dance, and she says it meant the world to her that he appreciated the dance. Then the two of them dance. This time to music! (Last week, not to music.)

Next up is the family Meet 'n' Greet 'n' Grill. I really hope Tenley stops saying "my ex," but I'm not optimistic.

Jake meets Tenley's dad Rob, her mom Beth, and her sister Carly.

Oops. "The last time I was home, I told my mom my ex-husband wasn't coming back." This is why I'm so cynical, you guys!

The family sits down for dinner, and her mom isn't surprised Tenley got the First Impression Rose.

BTW: Tenley's mom looks soooo good! How old is this lady, 40? 32? 26? Your guess is as good as mine. Jake should take note: good genes!

Tenley's dad grabs Jake for some grilling, and he says Jake "appears to be a man of integrity," and asks: are you that guy? Jake says, "That is me. I was raised to do the right thing." Dad reminds Jake that Tenley's been through heartbreak, and he's protective. Jake says something about values, alignment, joy, life, home. There were some verbs and conjunctions in there, but you get the idea.

Tenley's pop tells her that things are hard, and he starts to cry, and she starts to cry, but he can tell Jake's a righteous dude. (Paraphrasing.) Meanwhile, Jake asks Tenley's mom about her past marriage, and she says Jake should be prepared for "emotional spillovers for a while," but if anybody could be ready so soon, it's Tenley. "She's amazing, and it's my pleasure to be her mother."

Jake finally asks Tenley's father if he has his blessing, and Dad gives a thoughtful, heartfelt yes. "If it makes Tenley happy." This family is precious! Straight up, cookies and hot chocolate, puppies and ponies ADORABLE.

As they kiss goodbye, Tenley says she won't say she "loves" Jake just yet, but her heart feels safe, and she's falling for him.

Don't screw this up, Jake. But, again... not holding my breath or anything.

Date #4: Vienna in Sanford, FL

Vienna jumps into Jake's arms (yeah yeah, yadda yadda) and they get on a boat. Vienna says "I grew up on the river." They check out turtles and gators on their way to... somewhere. Vienna's house? I don't know. They're barely talking about anything comprehensible at this point.

Nevermind, the talking started: Vienna says her dad hasn't liked too many of her ex-husbands (I mean, boyfriends) but this time he knows she's taking it seriously. "I'm not going to make two mistakes," she says in reference to her elopement. (Not her fake boobs.)

"Good luck," she tells him about her dad.

They get to the house, and are greeted by her dad Vinny, her dog Chloe, her step-mom Lisa, and her sister Kayla. Vienna and her dad start crying when they see each other, and she reiterates what a daddy's girl she is. She tells Dad she's falling for Jake, and she's never felt like this about anyone. They hug, and it's a sweet side to Vienna. Will it last?

Vinny takes Jake out to the garage to grill him. He's not comfortable that Jake's dating four girls at once, and some Deliverance music plays while he tells Jake Vienna needs to be treated like a princess by her husband. Then, at dinner, the family lightheartedly laughs about how many cars Vienna has crashed. Yuck, yuck! Being carelessly rich is fun!

Later, Jake and Vienna kiss and snuggle on the bed, and her dad busts in to say he's right outside the door. He leaves and they immediately start to make-out again. It's just like high school! (I mean, for other people. In high school, I had a dad who was a bowhunter. I'm not that dumb.)

Back in L.A.:

"Lots of hometowns. Lots of emotion. Wonderful families." - Jake's recap of the last hour or so.

Then.. a knock at the door. It's Ali. Something's wrong. She has an "impossible" decision to make: she just found out that she has to choose between staying here and going back to work. "I can't believe that I have to make this decision. The reason I'm coming to you now is I wanted to let you know, and I need you to help me," she tells Jake. He sits there silently. ("Helping.")

Jake says they have something really special, but that's about all he can say. Selfishly, he'd tell her to stay and take a chance on LOVE, but he can't guarantee he won't put a ring on her finger, but he also can't tell her that he's not going to. ("Helping.")

Ali will let him know what she's going to do at the Rose Ceremony, and he kisses her. I can say this much: Ali seems a lot more torn up about this than Ed did last season, and he ended up as Jillian's final one. What does THAT tell you?

Ali sits down in the hallway outside Jake's room and sobs while Jake sits stunned in his room. "All I have right now is hope," he says. (My God, this is great TV!)

Rose Ceremony:

Chris and Jake talk about what's happening with Ali, and Jake is like, "I want her to stay, she's the one I want to marry" and Chris is like, "Pshaw! In THIS economy? Work first, love second." Just kidding. They talk in vague superlatives about maybe-kinda-sorta-love, and then Jake says he doesn't want the pressure of her quitting her job for him, if she's not the one. Which she might be. But probably not. But he wants her to stay so badly. There's cake all over his face from wanting to have it and eat it at the same time.

The four women file into the Rose Ceremony room as Jake says exciting adjectives about each of them. "Vivid." "In sync." "Bright!"

Ali is not smiling as Chris greets them, and she asks to talk to him. Chris leads Ali to Jake, and... long(-winded) story short, she's out. You can tell because she keeps crying uncontrollably, and she also didn't put any effort into her hair.

The long version (paraphrased):
"I don't know." - Ali
"I can't tell you what to do." - Jake
"Tell me what to do." - Ali
"Your call." - Jake
"I don't know." - Ali
"If you leave, I will be devastated." - Jake
"I love you." - Ali
"What's it gonna be?" - Chris
*Cries* "I want more time!" - Ali

(This dialogue is going to work so well in the caveman romance novel I'm writing.)

Eventually, and I do mean EVENTUALLY, Ali decides to leave. For good. Jake walks her out and before he puts her in the car, he delivers his final line: "I feel like you're slipping through my fingers, and I don't know how to stop you."

Ali leaves, and Jake takes a moment to cry on the balcony banister.

Please allow me one pilot pun here: Boy, Jake is really wracking up the frequent CRIER miles!

The other girls are like, "Where's Jake?" And, "Oww, my knees keep locking from standing here!" And, "My bladder exploded, but I didn't get anything on my dress!" And, "I think my heart stopped because now it's been almost eight days since we've seen another living soul!" Whiners.

Jake pulls himself together and musters the courage to tell Tenley, Gia, and Vienna that there will be no Rose Ceremony (but they still get roses, duh, it's The Bachelor), and they'll all be accompanying him to St. Lucia if they'll have him. All smiles, Jake leads a champagne toast! Jake is no longer broken up about Ali. Three other options will do that to a man.

In the limo, Ali questions her decision, not knowing he already forgot her name. Oops!

Next week: Bikinis, kissing, water, fantasy suites. And then, a phone call: It's Ali. Wha-wha-WHAAA? (C'mon, you saw it coming.)





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