Date #3: Kathryn and Ella

Kathryn and Ella have drawn the dreaded "2-on-1" date, which comes with a helpful, hurtful little rhyme from host Chris Harrison: "Two girls, one rose. One stays, one goes." Oh noes!

Knowing that 2-on-1 dates are enacted simply to cut the fat, Jake has nothing special planned, just a quiet (read: boring) dinner at "his" log cabin in Big Sur. If the girls in the RVs are like a caravan on the Oregon Trail, then Kathryn and Ella just joined the Donner Party. They may be getting a decent meal, but one of them won't live through the night as a result.

Or should I say... NEITHER OF THEM?

Another way that this date was like being on the Oregon Trail was that it was SOOO BORING, so I took the liberty of distilling everything that happened into a handy graphic for you:

So Jake sent BOTH Kathryn and Ella home, because A) Who's Kathryn? and B) The Bachelor just doesn't pick single moms. That's just not how The Bachelor WORKS. But it's his loss, and this single mom just figured out that she is better off: "If he doesn't make the right decisions, then God help him. He's gonna need it."

Bye, Ella, I love you! And hi/bye, Kathryn, it was nice to meet you there for a quick sec!

AND THEN JAKE BURNS THE ROSE!!!!! AHHH! And as it burns, a wisp of smoke curls up from the fire and spells, "I was just a baby, I was too young to die..."


With speeches like that, it's really too bad Jake never ran for public office.

Cocktail Party:

Ali hates Vienna and only owns dresses that are yellow. Jessie hates Vienna and likes to wear green eyeshadow. Ashleigh hates Vienna and has GREAT hair, but still has nothing to talk about with Jake. Even TENLEY dislikes Vienna, because "hate" probably isn't in her vocabulary, but she's got a rose already, so what does she care?

Jessie pulls a Jake Pavelka on Jake's Jillian Harris ass, saying she cares too much about him to NOT say that Vienna is self-centered and spoiled, and totally wrong for him. Jake thanks her for the intel and calls her a "good friend." Oh no, byeeee Jessie!

Bada-bing, bada-boom. There's your cocktail party!

Rose Ceremony:

Jake has 4 roses to give out (to make for 6 total, including Tenley and Gia).

He gives roses to:
Ali
Corrie

And then he needs to take a break. Jake goes to find Chris Harrison, and asks if he HAS to give out two more roses, because there's only one more lady he wants to keep around. Chris Harrison says okay, because it's a special case, since Jake "in particular" is here to find his wife. (Whereas all the previous Bachelors were there to find...?) Chris takes away one of his roses, and Jake gives his final rose to...

Vienna!

NOOOOOOOO! But also, YESSSSSSS! (Drama, baby, it's all about the drama!)

And so, five were left standing where there should have been six, and the back of Ali's head is PEE-OHHH-ed:

On her way out, Jake thinks Jessie needs another slap in the face, just for good measure, so he thanks her for her advice about Vienna, saying he "appreciates" it, and that he "heard every word [she] said."