In this segment, I read what Brad Womack and Chris Harrison write in their post-show
Bachelor blogs, and tell you what I think they're really saying. Or what they're really not
saying because it would be inappropriate for them to say it. I will say
that something. As inappropriately as possible. Because someone needs*
to. This is the second installment. (*Put "needs" in sarcastic mental air quotes.)
Once again, we begin with Chris Harrison
, who set his own obsolescence bar impossibly high this week after being replaced by Brad's actual
therapist. How will he insist upon his own importance and involvement in The Bachelor this week? Let's find out!
"I'd like to start this week by talking about another dramatic show that I hosted, The 90th Annual Miss America Pageant.
It was an honor -- as a TV host, there are a few jobs out there that you
always look forward to checking off your bucket list, and that is one
Oops, that's your bucket list. Be careful not to dream too big.
"Her biggest fear was that the date was karaoke. Good news for her, it wasn't. Bad news for her -- it was worse."
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I would like to point out once again
that The Bachelor
is now openly in the business of making "dates" that are just flat-out torture."Ashley and Brad actually sang for about an hour and the folks at the
studio really did press a CD which Ashley got to take home, and I'm sure
it will be selling on eBay very soon."
Good god, this date. It was even more nightmarish than we could have imagined!
"The director you saw was Steven Ho. He did stunts in the new Green Hornet movie and was the fighting double for Donatello, one of the Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles. Not sure if it's just my age or what, but I was
never really into the whole Ninja Turtle thing."
These last two sentences are in a competition to see which is more depressing and irrelevant. IT'S A DRAW!"After a great week of dates and talking to his therapist, Brad was in a great mood for the cocktail party."
... he said with NO SHRED OF SARCASM. LOL. This is just the best."At the party Ashley H's struggles with "first date syndrome" were clearly getting worse. She's feeling more and more insecure by the day."
(Cut to a bunch of ABC producers high-fiving in the edit room. "Great work, everybody!")
"Did she come on the show with her defenses up (the fangs), putting on a
show, not really letting everybody in -- only to realize she made a big
mistake and blew a good chance? All I know is there's a lot more to this
woman than meets the eye."
So what you're saying is that Madison is a VAMPIRE TRANSFORMER?! ... Well, that just makes sense.
Thanks for the insight, Chris. Now on to Brad's thoughts
!"It's so much fun for me to watch and relive every single moment; so many good memories were made this season."
Are we watching the same show?"That would be enough for one episode, but the rose ceremony was pretty dramatic as well ...
Someone wake up Brad and remind him that if he's going to blog, he needs to finish his sentences."Meeting Seal was indescribable. His level of talent and the way he sings
so effortlessly made me realize what a superstar is and what
extraordinary talent he has."
Don't you love when someone says something is "indescribable" and then immediately goes on to describe it? It's seriously one of my favorite things. "The pool party that evening was a welcome break from a long day of being a movie star."
WOOF."I can't imagine what it's like to have feelings for someone while having to watch that person explore other relationships."
It's your second time doing this. You ought to be able to imagine it pretty vividly by now."I gave the rose on the group date to Shawntel N. There were too many
reasons to explain in this blog. I'll say this: Shawntel has so many
different layers; she pleasantly surprised me throughout the entire
Yeah, apparently there were also too many reasons to attempt to fit even ONE of them into the two hours of the show last night. I guess we'll have to live in mystery about Shawntel forever! But what about Michelle? We definitely didn't get to hear enough about Michelle last night. GIVE ME MORE MICHELLE!"On a side note, I'm beginning to realize how aggressive Michelle is."
Oh good grief."Let me also say this: Never in a million years would I have asked her to
fly with me on a private jet if I had known about her fear of flying."
Aren't you glad that you put the fate of your romantic life in the hands of people who would and did
do exactly that, knowing full well about her fear of flying? It really reinforces your confidence in "the process," am I right?"She hasn't received enough credit for being a caring, gracious and
genuine woman. All anybody is talking about are her damn fangs!"
Funny how that happens when you get fang implants and declare that you're a vampire and pretend to suck strangers' blood in a desperate ploy for attention. Then it's all "Fangs, fangs, FANGS!" and you're like, "Why don't people care about getting to know the real me
?""I can only assume that she has many qualities that I would have liked."
SO MUCH INSIGHT! It's just such a blessing and a necessity that these blogs exist to give us the behind-the-scenes brain-chatter of these two men.
Here's this week's Bachelor recap,
where you can find more profound insight and horrified snark from Brad and me (respectively). Enjoy!(Image courtesy of ABC)