In this new segment, I read what Brad Womack and Chris Harrison write in their post-show
Bachelor blogs, and tell you what I think they're really saying. Or what they're really not saying because it would be inappropriate for them to say it. I will say that something. As inappropriately as possible. Because someone needs* to. This is the first installment. (*I have a different definition of "need" than the rest of the world.)
Let's tackle Chris Harrison
first, because it is just inherently amusing that he writes as though he had a big orchestrating hand in the goings-on of this show. How long was he on screen last night? Two total minutes, maybe? Not saying his job isn't important (oh wait, yes I am) but I AM saying that it is a great job. But you know what Chris is not very good at, job-wise? Straight-shootin':
"We here at The Bachelor are very happy to be partnering up with the American Red Cross to shine an entertaining light on a very serious topic."
Oh, you mean trivializing and degrading it with sex and terrible acting? Great job!"I checked, and there really is a Best of Eddie Money album. Who knew?"
C'mon, Chris. I see what you're doing here with your bizarre non sequiturs. Let's stay on topic.
"Unfortunately for Ashley I think she's going to fall victim to the Great
First Date Syndrome. Now, I just made this up so bear with me. I've
noticed in the past that having the first date is great, but when it
goes well -- which Ashley's did -- it then makes it hard to go back to the
house and wait and watch all the other girls start to date your man."
There is no way Chris Harrison made that up. "The first date went extremely late and when they got home around 4 a.m.,
the only person awake was Ashley S. Must be an Ashley thing."
"Must be an Ashley thing" that Ashley S. stayed up waiting for Ashley H. until 4 a.m. in the hopes of murdering her and stealing her face, Face/Off
style, so she could reap the rewards of H's great date? Yep, must be an Ashley thing."The date card we delivered for the group date was ridiculously long because it had so many names on it."
Allow me: NO DUH.
"Speaking of age, many of you have asked why we aren't showing how old
the women are this year. I find it interesting their age makes such a
difference to you. Not sure why age would make a difference in finding
love. There actually is a technical reason the ages aren't on there this
season: We changed the graphics up a bit and they just don't fit."
Translation: The women's ages "just don't fit" into their plan of making us forget that every woman on the show is between 8 and 15 years younger than Brad.
"While she was out on the group date Sarah P., Lindsay and Ashley S.
devised a plan to see if Madison was really a vampire. They made crosses
out of branches in the backyard and stuffed cloves of garlic under all
the mattresses (just in case)."
WHY DOES THE GOOD STUFF NEVER MAKE IT TO AIR?! The Bachelor: Bimbo Vampire Hunter
s! This is a show I would like to watch."I'm a huge fan of the band Train so after the performance I went
backstage to meet Pat Monahan. Two reasons I know this guy is a great
dude. One he really loved and respected the history of performing at the
"Bowl" and two, turns out he's a huge fan of the show."
Durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."Let's talk about this Raichel vs. Melissa battle. I don't know who was right and who was wrong and honestly I don't really care."
Neither did we. Thanks for making us watch them duke it out for 20 minutes instead of letting us enjoy a good ol' fashioned vampire hunt.
Thanks for the insight, Chris. Now let's move on to Brad's blog
. "It was so strange watching myself and the women on TV! It seems like such a long time ago that we filmed everything and it's almost like reliving a memory or a dream."
Watching yourself on TV is
reliving a memory. That is literally what it is.
"The next date was a group date ... with 15 women! How is that even
possible? What kind of conversation can I possibly have with any of
these women when there are 15 of them?"
Good point! I'm glad Brad called out the pointless circumstances of this "date" so I don't have to."But the fact that we were all so utterly talentless made the scenes
terribly funny. The main message was that "giving blood doesn't have to
be dramatic." Am I the only one that sees the irony in that? Isn't The Bachelor extremely dramatic?"
Two things. One: "Terribly funny" isn't the term. "Terrible" would work, though. Two: No, you are not the only one. I'm pretty sure that irony can be seen from space.
"What a funny and incredible way to help spread awareness for the cause.
If you're reading this PLEASE go out and give blood today!"
But please wait until all the alcohol you consumed while watching The Bachelor
last night has left your system."Okay, for all of you out there that appreciate a very nice automobile,
let me tell you about our ride. It was a Bentley Mulsanne."
But Chris Harrison said it was an Aston Marin DB9! Luckily, I am a woman and do not care."Roberto and Ali, if you're reading this, I can't thank you enough for
helping me out. You allow all of us to realize love can happen."
Oh brother."Keltie and I didn't have a chance to bond."
So, rather than give her the chance I had previously denied her, I sent her home.
Those are the highlights of this week's blogs! Did you read the recap yet? You probably should. I came a bit unhinged. But not as unhinged as Melissa. Check it out.(Image courtesy of ABC)