Well hello there, young lady. I see you are not wearing a ring. Enchante. Would you care for a glass of my wine? I knew you would. It's called 'Evolve.'
Which is precisely what I hope we can do. Tonight. Together. You strike
me as a woman who exists ... on a higher plane.Oh, my manners! I haven't even introduced myself. How terribly rude. I'm just so tired from those long, hard nights I've been spending fermenting this
year's reserve. Shirtless. Sometimes I pour the wine over my bare, barrel chest and pretend that I'm Dionysus, the god of grape harvest, winemaking ... and ecstasy. Oh, look! You've got me sharing my secrets with you already. I guess I just feel safe around you.
Why don't you come closer? Yes, that's it. You are ... exceptionally beautiful. You truly are exquisite, really. No, seriously. You put this rose in my hand to shame. As soon as you look away, I'm going to stomp and spit all over this rose. That is how ugly and stupid it looks ... compared to you.
Yet, for all your perfection, I can't help but notice that you also look exceptionally ... thirsty.
Yes, back to the point. My name is Ben Flajnik. You don't pronounce the j, but of course you know that. You're cultured and refined, I can tell from the way you carry yourself. Yet you're not too strait-laced. You're like a wild, untamed pony ... a wild, sexy, untamed pony who could, I don't know, run a business, or teach a college class. You are magnificent.
Speaking of culture and refinement, can I tell you a secret? About myself? I just so happen to be the new Bachelor. Yes, on television. No, it's not what you think. You see, I'm not in it for the fame. Or the attention. Or the free trips. Or the money. Or so 25 former beauty queens and aspiring tabloid fixtures will shove their enormous jugs in my face day after day and night after night. I'm looking for my soulmate. Someone I can talk to, and love, and cherish. Forever. Someone I can take down to this very wine cellar and then, while sipping a supple pinot noir made from grapes grown in that vineyard out there, explore each other's vast and fascinating souls.
That's why I've entrusted ABC to pick the 25 most telegenic women they could find to go on a three-month fantasy ride with me across the globe, accompanied only by our deepest emotions and yearnings ... and 50 production crew members and camera men. Together, we will sleep in separate quarters and engage in adorable, supervised banter during designated activity hours. Many of the women will slowly, or quickly, go insane, and I will dramatically banish them at my weekly elimination ceremonies. You see, I'm taking this very seriously.
But, oh! The lucky ones? They'll get to fall in love with me. Fall fast and hard and good, on the world's stage. But only one, the luckiest and hottest one of all, will see her love returned. And then see it re-broadcast over and over, on TV and the internet, where strangers will be free to criticize her every word and fashion choice. Truly a dream come true for any bride.
Yes, at the end, I will choose one woman to be my wife, and we'll live happily ever after here, in this place ... when we're not flying back and forth to L.A., planning our televised wedding and guest-judging Bachelor Pad 3 at the behest of ABC.
I know what you're thinking, and yes, my 25 bridal applicants have already been chosen, and filming has begun. (I've got one of them waiting upstairs for me right now, haha!) But I think we might be able to make room for just one more lovely lady, if ... wait! Where are you going?
(Image courtesy of ABC)