Ready for a hefty serving of Bachelor news, broken up by categories, illustrated by videos and accompanied by a dose of snark? Hope so, because here it comes.

Brad and Bettina Bell:
Remember Bettina Bell, Brad's second runner-up from his first time as The Bachelor? (No? Well, that's who Bettina is.) And apparently she's in Life & Style this week spilling her guts, saying that Brad was "pursuing her like crazy" before he got the call that his second-go-around was a go. She said they began dating in October 2009 and that he dumped her last summer--around the time he became Bachelor Brad again.

"Out of nowhere he went MIA," Bell tells Life & Style. And she was shocked to hear of his return to TV: "He said it was a bad experience. He was really negative about it," she said, though the appeal of a comeback is obvious. "The show has 18 million viewers. It can open a lot of doors."

Is she telling the truth? Were she and Brad happily together until he dumped her out of the blue (again) like a total jerk (again) just to get paid a bunch of money to date a bunch of other women (again)? Do we care? Will Brad just keep dating and dumping and re-dating the same women until there are no TV shows or no women left, whichever comes first? What is "truth"? Does anything even matter? Can I go home now?

No, I can't. Not until I share the rest of this vital Bachelor news with you:

The NASCAR Date:
Let's watch a sneak peek of next week's NASCAR date, which had me, along with many of you, decrying ABC's blatant insensitivity toward Emily before we've even seen it. Will the date be as torturous as we think? How will Emily deal with the reminder of her fiance, Ricky? Watch this "Emotional Race Sneak Peek":


So Brad "feels like a jerk." But he's not the one who planned the date! ABC reps and Bachelor host Chris Harrison have both asked viewers to hold out until after the episode before calling the producers who planned this stunt the real jerks. But should we?

Harrison tells TV Guide: "If you take it at face value, I get why people are angry, but people need to see the date and see how it plays out. This is another watershed, breakthrough moment and it's therapeutic for Brad and Emily. [...] We have to force the issue because we have such a time constraint. It puts Brad on the spot, puts Emily on the spot, like you guys are either going to deal with this and go forward, or it's not going to happen and it's over."

My pre-episode take: No, Chris. You don't "force" people to deal with their grief on your time and your terms. That's cruel. Especially don't "force" them to do it when they're supposed to be having fun on a date, and don't do it by surprise! That's triple cruel. Whether it worked or not, the producers designed this entire date as a way to "force" this poor woman to dredge up painful personal issues just so they can turn it into a storyline. I usually watch and laugh as this show cheapens and warps real emotion for its own entertainment gains, but exploiting this poor woman's grief is a new low, and I'm not laughing. We'll see if my opinion changes after Monday night's episode. I doubt it will.

More About Michelle:
I've seen a few commenters on BuddyTV allude to this rumor, so I knew it was only a matter of time before it hit the tabloids: It seems this season's bad girl (and mysterious black-eye-getter, below), actress Michelle Money, "had an affair" with former Utah Jazz player Carloz Boozer. The Salt Lake Tribune quotes Michelle as saying in the Life & Style article that she "was in a relationship with Carlos while he was still married," and admitting, "What I did was wrong." Well, OK. I didn't need another reason to not trust or enjoy Michelle, and it doesn't surprise me, really. But at least she's admitting it? That's about all I have to say.


"Maybe I sleepwalk, and I got up and punched myself in the face." Maaaaybeeee! Totally possible. Totally a normal thing that normal people do. Good luck in all your future normal-people endeavors, Michelle! Speaking of normal people, nothing says "I'm just your average gal!" like wearing an eye-patch to cover up your mysterious, possibly self-inflicted black eye:


And, finally, just so we can end this on a high note: The Diaries of the Departed! Let's guess what they will say: They never really got the chance to "connect" with Brad. They which he had gotten to know them better, but they're thankful for the experience. They will either find something bigger and better, or die alone. They're glad he let them go now. They're disappointed he let them go now. They're confused about why he let them go now.
 

Yep, nailed it.

More on The Bachelor Week 5 in Vegas: Photos from the NASCAR date, two-on-one Cirque du Soleil date and shopping spree date.


(Image courtesy of ABC)