It's finally here, you guys. The Bachelor starts TONIGHT! Unless you've been living under some sort of wifi-less, basic cable-less rock, you know that this season stars pilot Jake Pavelka, the guy who:

A) Came on too strong to Bachelorette Jillian last season, but wooed the nation with his all-American abs

B) Accused last season's singing snake Wes Hayden of being a girlfriend-hiding, singing snake

C) Once played a younger version of Chuck Norris on Walker: Texas Ranger

D) Is about to inspire a record-setting number of pilot-puns, starting with this season's subtitle, "On the Wings of Love"

E) Has labored under the terrible affliction of being considered "too perfect" and "too nice" his entire life

These are the important facts you should know about Jake Pavelka before tonight's Bachelor premiere. And we're about to learn a whole lot more. Lucky US!

Jake is readier than ever to find the woman of his dreams and settle down.

"I am going in absolutely, 100% with everything that I am," says Jake.

Approximately 70% of that percentage is made up by his abdominal muscles. Or so ABC would have us believe:


BAM! (Those are abs. Extremely close up!)

"Why should we make Jake Pavelka the next Bachelor?" - ABC Network executive
"I've got six glistening, tightly-packed reasons for you right here." - ABC underling with a high-def color printer
"SOLD!" - America

And now that ABC has put their faith in Jake, he's putting his faith in them. ""I'm going to walk out with a fiance. I can just feel it," he says. How sweet! The true love affair between Jake and "the process" also begins tonight.

Anyway, enough about Jake. Let's meet the 25 ladies who will be vying, crying, prying and practically dying to get a ring from Mr. Perfect Pilot.

And.... the aviation wordplay count starts NOW!

PRE-MEET AND GREET VIDEOS:
Among the women we're introduced to are...

Ali, 25: she's a "hopeless romantic" whose last boyfriend cheated on her with her roommate.

Tenley, 25 (above): who harnessed her as-a-button-cuteness early in life by being a Disney princess in Tokyo, and reveals that she married young but got divorced when her husband was unfaithful.

Rozlyn, 28 (above): "I've been a model forever. Maybe about ten years." Need I say more?

Christina, 25: She's a "guys' girl" who admits that she's "a little bitchy... So my friends made me practice small talk with girls about things that I don't care about."

Vienna, 23: This girl gives Paris Hilton a run for her money, and looks like she's going to FULL of hilarious quotables. Like these:
"I graduated with a degree in interpersonal organizational communications. So I'm currently unemployed."
"I'm a huge daddy's girl. I'm his only daughter, so I'm his little princess. He spoils me rotten. He's bought me like five cars because I keep wrecking them."
"My favorite is my little baby puppy Chloe. We have mommy-daughter days, and we get all dressed up in our pretty little sundresses, and we'll sit outside at a little cafe."
"Its going to be really hard to leave Chloe. But on the bright side, I could be bringing her home a daddy!"

Ashley, 29: Her mom has been sending her packages of sparkly, revealing clothes every day for 3 months. Looks like somebody knows the way to the Bachelor's heart...

Elizabeth (NE), 29 (above): Would make a great Harlequin romance novel heroine, with her melancholy declarations like, "I've lived the ups and downs of love." She's from Nebraska, yet every shot of her is on a beach.

Ella, 30: She's a doting single mom who already knows that "Jake is the kind of man that I've always wanted. He reminds me of a prince charming." She's also a boxer, so we can take it literally when she says, "If there is a girl that gets in my face, then I am going to knock someone out."

Gia, 26 (above): This ballet dancer/swimsuit model claims she is "not lucky" with men. Could that be because she is hopelessly devoted to her sexy-mirror-self?
 
It's FINALLY time for Meet and Greet, and the women, in groups of 5, approach the mansion in limousines for their all-important first impressions with Bachelor Jake.

But first, Jake must chat with Bachelor host Chris Harrison. The high and low of it:

How he's feeling: "I didn't think I was going to be nervous. I think this time the nerves are going to be even greater because I'm the one handing out the roses."
What he's looking for: "Unconditional honesty, unconditional love."
Why he's here: "I guess every now and then I'm haunted by a little bit of loneliness."
What he wants to change about his Bachelor strategy this time around: "It's too intense. I see that now [...] A little more listening this time."
Whether he'd give up flying for love: "You know what, love is more powerful than flying."

Next up... the women arrive!