It's the second episode of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love,
and if the mass amounts of pre-show publicity are any indication (which they often are, since that is their point of existence) we are in for a real doozy of an episode. A bit of turbulence
, you might say. A cold front that will make for a rather bumpy ride
, if you will. Something so disgusting
it will have you reaching for your barf bag
... something even worse than those terrible flying puns, which I promise to STOP right this instance.
SEATBELT SIGN'S ON!
Okay, now I really will stop.
The episode starts with host Chris Harrison sitting down the 15 remaining "lucky" ladies and explaining the rules of the
journey toward true love and eternal matrimony. Like real dating life, it's a rigid, alternating system of compulsory displays of desperation which then will be rewarded with corresponding displays of either rejection or acceptance. One girl gets a rose on each group date, and each girl on an individual date has the chance to get a rose. Girls on group dates who don't get the rose have to await their fate at the next rose ceremony, while girls who don't get a rose on a 1-on-1 date have to leave immediately.
In other words: "No rose, she goes." Easy enough for even the models to understand! (Yes, commenters, I am
just jealous. Why do you think I became a writer? Just let me have this
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We've got three dates this week: two groups and one solo. Group Date #1: Gia, Rozlyn, Valishia, Corrie, Christina, Ashleigh
Jake whisks these lucky six off to a swanky hotel for... a special photo shoot with InStyle
magazine. Five of the women are thrilled (Corrie, the wardrobe consultant, calls InStyle her "fashion Bible") and one is about to throw up all over her borrowed Manolos for fear of looking awkward, ugly and boobless in front of the camera. Guess WHO!
Here's a hint. She's NOT:
- the model
- the other model
- the "Miss America" alum
- the wardrobe consultant
- the news anchor
"Ding ding ding!" It's...
A minotaur? Oops, just kidding, that's Christina in her Instyle
curlers. The unconfident, albeit still lovely, restaurant manager gets all palm-sweaty and drink-chuggy as her sexier competition use their photo shoot time to do things like eat strawberries out of Jake's hand, jump into his arms and kiss him, and reveal just where they'd like his future children to come from:
Christina's photo session anxiety is all for naught. Her shoot comes off without a hitch. But the real damage is done: she's already called herself a nervous little boy waiting for his girlfriend at recess on national TV (Haha, what?), and girlfriend is two sheets to the wind and weaving a third before sunset. (SHE'S DRUNK.)
After the photo shoot, Jake takes the girls to the top of the hotel for some tapas and toplessness. There, we learn that Gia considered herself unpopular and "artsy" growing up. Like so many
future NY Yankee-dating lingerie models did. (Dramatization: "I swear, this one time in high school, I got a zit and felt kind of bloated on the same day.
So yeah, you could say I've been through some stuff.")
The bikini-clad ladies pass Jake around like a hot potato until Christina grabs him and whispers sweet drunkings in his ear as they cuddle in the cabana. The best one: "Ding, ding, ding!" which she says to no one in particular, about nothing in particular, while interrupting Jake and seemingly impersonating a Reno-based lounge singer working the crowd. INSTANT CLASSIC.
Rozlyn steals Jake away because she's starting to "feel like a leper" (I think I know the first body parts that would fall off, if that were the case) and they have a little blahbeddy-blah before they get to the good stuff: some serious making out, garnished with plenty of foreshadowing. Seriously. ABC lays on the dark Darth Vader music so thick that I almost found myself yelling "LOOK OUT! BEHIND YOU!" as Jake ran back to grab the rose and bring it back to Rozlyn after being entranced by her wicked forked tongue in his mouth. Some real masterful editing in here, truly. It almost felt like she had him under mind control, like when Jafar tried to force Jasmine to love him in Aladdin
. (You like how I'm pretending that both The Bachelor
are about real situations between real people? Yeah, I basically got my Ph.D in Suspension of Disbelief.)1-on-1 Date: Ali
Ali dons a huge diamond necklace, courtesy of Chris Harrison and The Bachelor
dream-makers, for her solo date with Jake, and she's crying tears of joy as she puts on her little yellow dress and straddles Jake's motorcycle for an adventure that Jake says will "literally" have her on Cloud Nine.
Jake barely scrapes away from my all-too-rehearsed "literal vs. figurative" polemic ("Phew! That was a close one!" -- The Bachelor) when he then straps Ali into a two-seater airplane and flies her off to Palm Springs, the go-to vacation spot for old and/or dead famous people. (Where you can literally take a left on "Bob Hope Avenue"!)
There, they jump into an antique roadster and drive to a romantic dinner out in the open air, just the two of them, oh so romantic and private-like. (Minus the camera crew.) After a giggley, googley-eyed dinner, Jake gives Ali the rose and they share a kiss that lasts just long enough to make me feel awkward inside.
I was hoping they'd then jump on a boat so they could accomplish the elusive Modern Transportation Quadfecta in one day, but instead Jake has a surprise for Ali: it's a private concert by the classic band Chicago! Does Ali know who Chicago is? Probably not. Does she care? HECK NO! They dance with their legs and
Jake: "I have never had a moment like that with somebody." (Except his private Martina McBride concert with Jillian on the second episode of The Bachelorette
, where they made out on the dance floor in pretty much the exact same scenario as this.)
Ali: "He has inspired me to find love again." (NEWSFLASH: You're only 25! That's one-fourth the age Bob Hope was when he died!) Yes, I had to Google Bob Hope to figure out if he was still alive or not, but the point is that Ali is too young to be talking like that.NEXT: The 2nd Group Date and a whole lotta SCAAAAANDAAAAAAL!(1) (2) NEXT>>