'Bachelor' Breakup: Jake's Excuses for Not Having Sex with Vienna are Weird and Sad
Meghan Carlson
Meghan Carlson
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
After confirming her breakup from Bachelor fiance Jake Pavelka just yesterday, Vienna Girardi has already sold her story to Star Magazine, in which she reveals the reasons behind the split. (Apparently the reason "We met on The Bachelor" just isn't sufficient anymore.)

And, in another shocker in this already shocking tale, all of the reasons are Jake's fault and make him sound like a terribly confused man:

"We haven't been intimate in months now. More than four months. At first his excuse was that he was fasting. The second excuse was that he didn't feel like it. And the third excuse was that he said that he felt that I wouldn't understand that he wants to wait until marriage, even though I told him I'd support him. Then the last excuse was that we fight so much that I push him away. I was like, really--which excuse is it? I literally have been living six months with this guy who won't be intimate with me!"

OK, so let me get this straight: His first and second excuses were "I'm fasting" and "I don't feel like it," and THEN, when those somehow didn't fly, he decided to play the "wait until marriage" card? After you two had already had sex before marriage? Sorry, Jake, but your virginity doesn't magically grow back--once it's lost, it's lost. Unless they never consummated their relationship in the first place.

Wait, what am I saying? I really don't care or want to know whether these two ever had sex or not! Ew. And that's not even the point here.

The point is: Let's brainstorm other excuses that Jake probably used so he didn't have to become intimate with his fake fiancee from a fake reality show!

1. I'm too tired from shopping for turtlenecks all day.

2. Not right now--The Bachelorette is on, and I've gotta see if that weatherman gets a rose!

3. But it's time for my weekly phone gab sesh with Chris Harrison!

4. You'll mess up my spray tan. IT NEEDS TO SET!

5. My fast is finally over, so now I'm engaged to this cheeseburger.

6. Who are you again?

Wow, I wrote those in an attempt to make light of this totally ridiculous and probably mostly fabricated gossip, but they still made me feel more sad than amused about these people's lives, which now hold such little resemblance to normal human beings' lives that they think the best idea after a breakup (even a breakup of a fake relationship from a fake reality show) is to air their dirty sex-laundry in a tabloid. And not just that, but sex-laundry that clearly insinuates that your ex-fiance is gay! That's not a good idea, Vienna. That is the WORST idea, and I know that because even someone who makes her living by making fun of The Bachelor (me) is having a hard time not just writing a series of frowny faces [Like this: :( :( :( :(] in response to it.

So, future Bachelors and ex-fiancees, take heed: When you inevitably break up after the show, please reserve what's left of your dignity--you'll need it for the 50-odd years of life you have left of being "that guy" or "that girl" from The Bachelor--and just fold up the sad sex-laundry and put it deep away in a drawer, please.

(Image: Star)