'The Amazing Race' Recap: Crocodile Dunces
'The Amazing Race' Recap: Crocodile Dunces
Emily E. Steck
Emily E. Steck
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
In a night stuffed with other television events, The Amazing Race is determined to have its contestants in peril via crocodiles, horses and donkeys. Take that, Walking Dead!

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Okay, so tonight a bunch of really exciting things are happening on TV tonight. The Game of Thrones premiere, the Walking Dead finale ... other things ... and stuff. After last week's lack of a cliffhanger with its non-elimination leg, I felt compelled to watch this because it's my job. In other words, last week rubbed me such the wrong way that despite knowing someone had to be eliminated in this leg, I couldn't care less.

I'm so sorry; I'm such an idiot sometimes. This was a really good episode: entertaining, suspenseful, enjoyable. This episode was so heavy with great moments that I was engaged.

Speed Traps

Teams must drive to Boro Village. Bates and Anthony depart first, and rather cutely, they say, "It's tough with no one in front of us to follow. Or to cheat off of." This a sound bites goldmine of an episode for these two.

Apparently, getting to the first Roadblock is a great challenge for most teams. With the YouTubers, we witness the great Millennial problem: directions. These two are lost for at least half of the episode.

Meanwhile, the Botswana police are pretty hardcore speed trappers as they score not one Amazing Race team, but two. The Country Singers are pulled over for speeding -- going 96 kmph in a 60 kmph zone. I guess they can't talk their way out of it like they probably could have and have done on any American cop. So basically, go Botswana cops!

So the Country Singers must take the time to go to the police station and pay 820 pulas or about $100. However, they need to exchange their American money for some pulas. The Country Singers said something about faith earlier. Of course, they need faith to hand over money to a stranger to do the exchange for them. Or some killer braids -- did you see the braids in their hair?! Fabulous.

It all works out because life works out when you're blonde, beautiful and such. I know from experience (hair flows through the wind like a movie star's). Though, I will credit that there's surprise that everything works out due to the oddball game changers that happened early this season.

And poor Newlyweds -- which is something I thought I would never say. They also get stopped for a ticket --16 kmph over the speed limit -- and must go to the station and pay. Then they hit a pole, wrecking the back bumper. Oops. And they have a Speed Bump to overcome!

Fast Forward to a Potential Death

Fast Forward for Bates and Anthony. The mission? To stay up on water skis for over a mile in a place full of crocodiles. This is a joke by the locals, right? Seriously? This looks so dangerous. That sign looks so fake; it is literally written with a marker. I'm absolutely worried for the Hockey Players. Hockey is back on now! They have jobs to return to! But luckily, the two don't move a muscle and complete the fast forward and basically chill out.

The Speed Bump requires the Newlyweds to bead a skirt and dance with the locals. Now, if anyone has been to any club ever, they know that this dancing style is not unique to Africa. Amirite?

For the other teams, it is a Roadblock: one team member must use a traditional canoe to travel goats up and down the river. The goats are pretty adorable, by the way, like cute little puppies. The goat is peeing all over on Wham!'s legs and that's what puppies do.

Hold up. This is the same river where there are crocodile sightings, which the producers are fond of cutting to from time to time. What about the goats?! To which my mother, beside me, mentions, what about the contestants?! Oh, yeah. But I'm one of those people who get more upset when animals die in films than people. I get that these are real people, but given the casualness of the danger the show is treating this episode, I think being more worried for the goats is appropriate.

Brain vs. Brawn

Teams now travel by boat and taxi to a Safari area for a Detour involving horses or donkeys. I mean, are either particularly brainy or brawny? No. These producers are as good as I am when it comes to catchy titles. Brain: teams will horseback looking for cutout animals and use their memory to place them in order. Brawn: haul sticks onto a cart hauled by donkeys and use a carrot to get them to move to their next clue.

It's a close race, really, between the Derby Moms and the Country Singers on Brawn. But the one that literally is the closest is between the Newlyweds and YouTubers. It is neck and neck.

Unfortunately, Wham! Pam and Winnie keep switching back and forth between the challenges, leaving their fates up in the air until they switch back, yet again, to the Brawn challenge.

The YouTubers get there right before the Newlyweds. And despite what an awful day these seemingly awful people are having, the Newlyweds are still in it. Wham! (Pam and Winnie) sadly do not make it. But their spirits are snarky and spry as they exclaim, "Crying is for bitches." The sass on these two will be surely missed.

As much as I enjoyed Wham!, hooray for elimination! But now it's time to be...

Checking in with the Teams

Bates and Anthony (Team Pro Hockey Players): Winner winner, No crocodile dinner! I was seriously concerned for them until I see Anthony's lack of teeth. I'm sure they'd just cowboy up and beat off the crocodiles if it came to that. They win 7,000+. Each. (Almost as if the producers are trying to overcompensate for the season's earlier conspiracy -- ahem). A lot of new stuff for them. Can I also nominate them as MVPs of the episode? They hang out in their underwear for most of it, enjoying the good life. Plus, do you see how happy Bates is to take his shirt off? He's such a cheeseball.

Mona and Beth (Team Roller Derby Moms): Don't capsize! This is a tense week for these two during the canoe portion. Can I be honest? I don't know who is who. At all. I literally have learned nothing about them again. Except that by some miracle, they come in second this week.

Caroline and Jennifer (Team Country Singers): Faith is their center; it keeps them going. But personally, I think it's the amazing braiding they are doing to their hair. Here's something fun to note: it didn't occur to me until this episode that I actually like these two. Caroline kicks ass in the canoe portion -- of the only teams to stand up during it. Silly, positive and a strong team, I just really like these girls.

Chuck and Wynona (Team Hair): Without a doubt, they are the weakest team in the race. Wynona feels like dead weight as the stress of the competition is piling on her more and more because she literally has to do all the roadblocks remaining, if my count is correct. I enjoy watching these two, but I know their days are numbered.

Joey and Meghan (Team YouTubers): Millennials, amirite? They get really really lost. Granted, it looks difficult, but these two will need to step it up to really compete. Also, I feel like I know very little about Meghan. Her personality is definitely sidelined during Joey's little humor-as-a-way-of-coping strategies during the challenges.

Max and Katie (Team Newlyweds): As much as I hate these two, I sympathize with such a bad day. First, they get a speeding ticket, then a speed bump. They almost get crocodiled to death (though everyone else does, too). They might get kicked in the bum by a couple of donkeys. They run to stay in the race in last for one more week. But my sympathies can only go so far. These two really bring out the worst in each other in the race.

Pam and Winnie (Team Wham! -- thanks to Donna32650 in the comments): And just when they got their own nickname! Poor guys. I loved their snarky asides during the talking heads. I really dug how strong they were during mental and physical challenges where their visual minds went to work. And I liked their headband things. Bye Wham! You went out like champions!

So what did you think of tonight's episode? What about the challenges? Were the producers pushing crocodile peril? How awesome was the safari scenery? Other thoughts? (Also, take tonight's poll as an extreme joke for April Fool's Day on Monday.) Sound off below!

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(Image courtesy of CBS)