'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: F-Bombs, Cartwheels and Fun
'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: F-Bombs, Cartwheels and Fun
Chrissa Hardy
Chrissa Hardy
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
And with just one "Shut the F*** up!", we're back in Ojai at dinner with the ladies of Beverly Hills. Kim and Brandi are FINALLY making up. They're talking through their issues with each other and the obstacles they've faced, and just when Kim starts to get choked up about everything, Adrienne has to chime in with the excessively loud mouth that's atop her freakishly tiny body and draw everyone's attention to Kim's tears. Brandi gets pissed and puts Adrienne in her place. I mean, what does Adrienne gain by alerting everyone to the private conversation that Brandi and Kim are having? Kim can hold her own. She's a fiesty little woman. If Brandi was truly upsetting her, Kim wouldn't be crying, Kim would be screaming and getting up in Brandi's face with childish retorts, as we've seen in the past. This was obviously a positive emotional release and Adrienne took her sharp voice as if it were a knife and stabbed it in the face.

Brandi Won't Back Down

Brandi might not be well-versed in basic table manners, but I gotta give her props for standing her ground. She continues to tell Adrienne to back off because the conversation she was having with Kim was private, and Adrienne keeps uttering, "well, I feel bad for her." Note to self: the next time Adrienne cries on this show, make sure to send her a tweet that says "UH OH, SOMEONE'S CRYING!" That might be stooping to her level (or probably lower) but, isn't that what Twitter is made for? 

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Only One POV Allowed

After Brandi follows Kim into the ladies room to comfort her, the ladies take turns sharing their opinions on Brandi's choice of words. Kyle agrees that Adrienne should've left it alone, but that Brandi didn't need to drop the F-bomb at the dinner table. Taking Brandi's side is Lisa, who points out that Brandi uses the f-word as often as she says, "bloody hell" and tells the ladies to let it go. Kyle accuses Lisa of unfairly siding with Brandi and that, if she disagrees that Brandi should not have said that to Adrienne, she's just, wrong. Basically, if you don't wear pink on Wednesdays, you can't sit at the cool table. Nobody let Kyle get into politics! Not that I'm worried, but you know. 

Vanderpump Rules

Then comes the mob mentality. The ladies start to talk over each other about how absolutely uncalled for that statement was and "Ugh, who talks like that to another woman!" Um, REALLY?! Was Kyle the one that called Brandi a "slut pig" or was that Kim? Either way, I'm pretty sure we've heard worse from ALL of them. Lisa heads into the bathroom and convinces Brandi to apoligize to Adrienne for telling her to shut up, even though it's clear from the look on her face, that Lisa would like all of them to do just that. Everyone returns to the table and Brandi throws a quick and very insincere apology in Adrienne's direction, to which Adrienne half-heartedly accepts. 

Passive Meditation

Brandi gets a call from her book agent and once she hangs up with him, she announces to the table that her book deal is a go. Cut to Taylor, who looks as if one of her over-inflated lips is going to burst from rage. For those of you not keeping score, during the reunion episode, Brandi openly critisized Taylor for writing a book about Russell and domestic abuse after his death. Taylor begins a very obnoxious routine of deep breaths and meditative movements at the table to combat her instincts to throw down with Brandi in the middle of dinner. Brandi calls her out and says, "It's hard for, I guess, women to be happy for other women. It's weird, you have to meditate instead of being happy for them." Kyle chimes in and sets up the flashback clip of the reunion and the words between Brandi and Taylor about Taylor's book. 

Yo-ladies!

Yolanda takes a moment to make all of them feel foolish by telling them that they should all just let it go. All of the old stuff they're bringing up, they should let go of or they will be miserable forever. It was a thing of beauty. 

Toast to Frenemies

Brandi and Taylor compete in misery and financial struggles for second and then Lisa tries to calm everyone down (and get everyone to shut the f*** up, essentially) by toasting to Brandi's new book deal. Kyle raises her glass with a sour expression, much like that of a 9 year-old forced to finish her peas, and there's an awkward silence among the group. Who breaks that silence? Adrienne, of course! She does this by letting everyone know that she, too, has a new book deal and that she just hasn't had a chance to mention it. She raises her glass, alone, and I smile at her failed attempt to steal the spotlight. 

F-Yeah! Vanderpump Still Rules

Lisa is my favorite. Have I mentioned that before? She understands the different triggers that set the ladies off and she tries to offer her advice to Brandi on how to handle it next time without giving them a reason to criticize her. Wise, level-headed and fabulous. Bloody hell, Lisa is amazing. The girls hop into their life-size Barbie/Bentley golf carts and it's Yolanda vs. Lisa in a race around the golf course. Hilarity ensues, y'all. It's a nice shift in the overall mood. Then they all tackle the Badminton, court? Field? Whatever it's called, they are not great at it. 

Naked Shenanigans

The trip to the spa comes next and it quickly goes from a relaxing afternoon to a soft-core porno on Cinemax, when the girls begin covering each other and themselves in mud and clay. Kim gets weird and moans with her hand hidden underneath her towel and I am on the verge of ditching this episode and the show entirely. Yolanda and Lisa put an end to the awkward tension (thanks girls!) by engaging in a towel toss. Things get fun when towels start getting thrown at everyone. Kyle thinks it would be fun to play the quiet game and see if they can all be silent for an entire minute. Yolanda puts the kibosh on that game by throwing a pitcher of water at Kyle. WATER FIGHT. It's nice to see them act like children at recess, rather than their usual children fighting over a toy. 

Sloppy Seconds

Dinner ends without any drama and they move inside for more wine. Yolanda calls it a night at this point, because she would rather get a good night's sleep, and enjoy Ojai the next day. Kim says goodnight to everyone at the same time and leaves just as the girls start to get sloppy. Good for you, Kim. You know how this story ends, and you're better than that.  Brandi and Taylor engage in a mess of an arm wrestling contest and since they both cheat, it just ends with the two of them drunkenly rolling around. Next up, it's Adrienne vs. Brandi. Brandi, good cover! Now's your chance to take these chicks down, one by one. The next event, ladies and gents, is the drunken handstands and cartwheels competition. 

The Morning After 

The sun comes up and Kyle recaps the previous night's antics with the two sober gals. Yolanda comes right out and tells Kyle that there's nothing worse than drunk women. BURN! They pack up and hop in the car after a fun-filled weekend of RH-bonding. Lisa blows my mind by momentarily trading her English accent for an American one. Spot on, by the way. 

Do the ladies choose to end their fun weekend trip on a positive note though? Not quite. Kyle brings up Brandi's dinnertime f-bomb on the drive home as a way to put everything back in it's place before they reach Beverly Hills. Brandi and Adrienne go back and forth for a bit and don't reach an agreement, as expected. Is a truce in their future?