, the man you see pictured here, drenched in his own flop sweat (or maybe it's rain), comes back into all of our lives tonight. Probst is a stabilizing force - life just feels a little bit emptier without him. Survivor: Tocantins
, the eighteenth season of Survivor
, premieres tonight, in the same time slot it's inhabited since the beginning of time. Survivor
, despite the haters, remains a solid and consistent ratings earner for CBS, and deservedly so. The series remains the best reality TV has to offer. We venture into the Brazilian Highlands this season, an area full of crazy weather and, I presume, a number of silly animals. The cast (which you can take a gander at via the below link) is, for a change, full of likable humans. There are only a couple people that, at this juncture, I can pinpoint as possible objects of my scorn. There are also a few very attractive ladies, which can never hurt matters. I'll be on Survivor
duty this season, and I'm very much looking forward to it. I hope you decide to tag along with me and my live thoughts tonight, as I machete my way through the rough Amazonian terrain and show these live thoughts who's boss.
The Survivor: Tocantins Contestants Slideshow
Survivor: Tocantins - Completely Arbitrary Pre-Season Predictions
Survivor is available on Amazon Prime.
I managed to catch the last couple minutes of Entertainment Tonight before tonight's Survivor, and I ended up watching the Jonas Brothers wheel around a movie set on segways. I thought, "Of course the Jonas Brothers ride segways. Nothing has ever made more sense." By the way, I hate the Jonas Brothers and if you like the Jonas Brothers, we cannot be friends. Thought I'd get that off my chest. Save me, Probsty.
"This is Brazil." According to Probst, Brazil is know for its soccer, its dancing and its beaches. Sounds about right. Probst explains that the Tocantins region is full of horrible weather. Also, there's little water, and the animals are nasty. First impressions are the name of the game. Sierra the annoying model is already sick, some tonsil BS. They all ride on a huge truck, and remains silent while pretending not to listen to Probst talk about them. They've already been divided into two teams.
The truck stops, and Probst tells the peeps that the truck is loaded with supplies and they have 60 seconds to gather as much as they can. Anything they leave on the truck, they leave behind. Chaos ensues, obviously. Sierra already seems bitchy and worthless. The red team got no water and no food. Ha – idiots. It's 110 degrees out right now. Probst gives each tribe a map and a compass. It's a four hour trek to camp.
Ha – Probst tells us that the game starts now. They have to vote for one person who will not make the trip. The red team votes for Sandy. They're not going to be eliminated, but I bet they get a free trip to camp. The black tribe, Timbira, almost all vote for Sierra, because she looked sickly on the drive up. Sierra and Sandy are all pissed. Sierra whines about having a fever. Probst announces that Sandy and Sierra get a free helicopter trip to camp. Sandy, the old lady, celebrates, and Jeff yells at her, lectures her about giving off a better impression to her tribemates.
Spencer, on Jalapao (red tribe), is 19, the youngest Survivor ever. He says the trip was a bitch. JT manages a cattle ranch as a nice Southern drawl. JT is smarter than he looks and sounds. Jalapao is having a tough time figuring out the map. Stephen, the Ivy League, self-proclaimed “New York Jew”, is going to be funny. JT knows where he's going.
On to Timbira. Erinn, the hair stylist, has no idea what she's doing out in the wilderness. Jerry Simms is a army sergeant, and just got back from a 12-month tour in Afghanistan. We're going to like Jerry. Coach calls himself a Renaissance man. I was about to make fun of him, but then he informs us that he's both a university soccer coach and a symphony conductor. Nevermind, this guy is kind of a nut. He talks about samurai and norse warriors. Brendan is an smart guy, had his own business. Millionaire.
Sandy, in the helicopter, is still pissed that her tribe wanted to get rid of the old lady. Then she cries once she gets back to camp. Seriously, Sandy? Why would you be surprised that they'd vote out the oldest person in the tribe when they knew nothing about anyone aside from their appearance? Grow up.
Sandy finds tree mail and opens it suspiciously. It's addressed to her. She has a decision to make, according to the scroll. She can either start setting up camp, or she can search for a hidden immunity idol. She's on the verge of tears for reasons I have no idea. She rationalizes her reasons for not starting to build camp. She searches for the idol.
Sierra finds the same message. The caveat - it sounds like the immunity idol will only protect them in the first tribal council. Hey - good for Sierra. She decides to start building the camp. Good girl. Maybe I don't hate her, and maybe she's really sick.
Jalapao shows up, and Sandy hides her note. She has not found the idol. She embraces her tribe. Carolina, who has a really annoying voice and a moon face, yet somehow remains cute, is a little upset that Sandy didn't start building camp. Sandy is totally unlikable. She might be crazy, as well. I might be interviewing her tomorrow morning.