'Survivor Nicaragua' Recap: The Dumbest Move in the History of Ever
'Survivor Nicaragua' Recap: The Dumbest Move in the History of Ever
John Kubicek
John Kubicek
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
Despite the fact that the two tribes on Survivor: Nicaragua now have an equal number of people, this season is very one-sided. Thanks to an early, solid alliance, a four-person group split evenly on both tribes is running the show.

On La Flor, Brenda and Sash run the show, with a helpful old lady (Jane) and an expendable young third wheel (Kelly Purple). On Espada, NaOnka and Chase run the show, with a helpful old lady (Holly) and an expendable young third wheel (Benry). The others don't stand a chance, because there is absolutely no rival alliance.

Unless you count Marty and Jill, which you can't anymore. Those were the only two fighting back, but then Marty decided to make the dumbest move in the history of the universe. Well, second dumbest, because Sash and Brenda proved to be even dumber.

Reward Challenge: Don't Pee in the Pool

The challenge is for a Nicaraguan farm trip and homemade breakfast. It's basically penalty kicks for handball in a pool. Dan is utterly useless and can't even jump, but Espada wins anyone thanks to the fact that La Flor's goalie is Fabio, who literally takes a time-out so he can urinate in the pool.

Seven episodes in and I still can't decide if this is all an act. Half the time I think Fabio is simply playing the role of a clueless buffoon so no one sees him as a threat and he gets to stick around until the end. The other half of the time, like when he pees in the pool, I'm convinced that the clueless buffoon routine is no act. He's either the world's biggest moron or the most brilliant Survivor castaway ever, and nothing in between.

Food Makes People Crazy

Espada savors their reward by milking a cow (which, according to Kelly Purple, is the most amazing and mysterious thing in the universe). They sit down for their feast and Alina starts crying because she's so emotional about eating as a family. Holly is moved but NaOnka thinks it's all an act and still wants Alina gone.

At La Flor, Jane goes fishing and, when she catches a catfish, she decides that she deserves it all to herself. She runs into the woods, makes a fire and eats it all, hovering over her catch like Gollum. That lady is two grapes short of a bunch.

Immunity Challenge: More Tiles

The immunity challenges reuses the massive wall seen in several other challenges and the goal is to break tiles, much like in many other challenges. Survivor needs to hire some new challenge designers, because I'm getting sick and tired of watching people break tiles and solve puzzles. Espada wins, which is a phrase you rarely hear this season.

Who Needs Immunity?

Fabio's plan is to split votes again and force Marty to use the idol, but Sash and Brenda have a much dumber scheme in mind. Sash thinks he can convince Marty to give him the idol in exchange for promised safety this week. I thought the promise of safety came with the idol, but maybe I'm wrong.

The only thing dumber than Sash's plan would be if Marty accepts it. Which he does.

Let me repeat that: Marty gives Sash the hidden immunity idol.

In exchange, Sash promises that Marty is safe this week and that he'll give Marty the idol next week if they lose. I only got a 1510 on my SATs (this is back when there were only two parts), so maybe I'm too stupid to understand why this is a good deal or why Marty thinks Sash would uhold his half of the deal. So Marty sells his idol and his soul, which leaves only one target.

Marty and Jill Went Up a Hill ...

At the Tribal Council, it's obvious that Jill and Marty are fighting an uphill and losing battle, because Brenda, the black king mamba, has everyone else under her little thumb. The news is even worse for Jill because this week we're in for a triple bonehead move.

First, Sash's plan was moronic. Then Marty agreeing to the plan was moronic. Now, Sash and Brenda keeping their word and voting to keep Marty and vote out Jill is a triple mistake. If two wrongs don't make a right, then maybe three do.

For the life of me I don't understand anyone involved in this scheme. I don't understand why Sash and Brenda thought their plan was viable. I don't understand why Marty went along with it. And I don't understand why Sash and Brenda kept their word to Marty. If you can answer any of those questions, please let me know.

But for now, Jill is voted out. God only knows what will happen next week which brings Merge Madness.

(Image courtesy of CBS)