When I went to see Friday the 13th
, I had only three expectations. First, I wanted to be scared so horribly that I’d jump out of my seat and bury my face in my jacket. Second, I wanted to see attractive young people having sex. And third, I wanted some insanely awesome deaths.
By all accounts, the new Friday the 13th
succeeded on every one of those levels. I didn’t want to get bogged down with a complex plot or interesting character development, and sure enough, neither of those things were there. But if you’re looking for some scares, some violence, and a healthy dose of sex, this is your movie.
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The new Friday the 13th
is a retelling of the original story. As it opens, we see Jason Voorhees’ mother tormenting and murdering the campers who killed her son, and after quickly setting up who Jason is, we see five college kids in the present hiking through the woods looking for some legendary marijuana plants.
Needless to say, violence ensues and six weeks later, Clay Miller (Jared Padalecki) comes to Crystal Lake looking for his missing sister and he runs into another group of wild college kids looking for a fun weekend at a cabin on the lake. Once again, violence ensues.
The story is as simple as this. People go into the woods to do something naughty and Jason kills them. Calling these characters one-dimensional feels too generous. But no one goes to a Friday the 13th
movie for texture and nuance. You go to see people die.
And boy, do they. The old Jason may be known for carrying around a machete, but this Jason likes to get creative. Bear traps, a bow and arrow, an ice pick, an ax, anything sharp will do for this monster in a hockey mask.
As far as the sex goes, I counted no less than three women exposing their breasts, which is the mark of death in this movie. The great thing about Friday the 13th
has always been its perverse moral code. If you enjoy smoking weed, drinking to excess, or having raunchy sex, Jason will kill you. He’s a lot like the Republican Party, only not quite as scary.
Friday the 13th
stays true to the original horror franchise while making it a bit more modern, with plenty of quick punchlines delivered by cartoonish stoners before they die in the most disturbing way possible. And the ending will seem familiar to fans of the franchise.
It won’t win any awards, nor will it cement Jared Padalecki as a bona fide film star. The hardest thing the movie expects him to do is wear a tight t-shirt. But if you’re looking to be scared on Friday the 13th or if you want your girlfriend to bury her head in your shoulder on Valentine’s Day, you can’t do much better than this.
Watch Video Clips of Jared Padalecki in Friday the 13th>>
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of New Line Cinema)