After more than a month on hiatus, Smallville is back to finish up the final six episodes of season 7. Attentive fans are already aware that these last few episodes bring back a number of memorable past characters, and tonight we see the return of one Brainiac, aka Professor Milton Fine, aka James Marsters.

When last we saw Brainiac, he was kind of dead, reduced back into a black goo trying to regain his form and ability. When last viewers saw Marsters, he was making out with Captain Jack on the second season premiere of BBC's Torchwood. And yes, Captain Jack is a dude.

At Kent farm, Bizarro Clark (Tom Welling) and Lana (Kristin Kreuk) are basking in some post-lovemaking afterglow. She opens the curtains, and the sunlight is unflattering on Bizarro's skin. She closes the curtains, comes back to bed, and professes her love for “Clark Kent.” Ominous music plays.

Somebody saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave me! As the writer tasked with recapping this show for the next six weeks, my thoughts exactly, Remy Zero.

Julian Luthor busts into Lionel's office and says he has a story about paternity. Lex used DNA from the umbilical cord of his dead brother to build a clone of Julian. Lionel (John Glover) is surprisingly cool about the whole “My dead son has come back as a clone” thing. Lionel pays a visit to Lex (Michael Rosenbaum) and they skate around the cloned brother issue for a while. Eventually Lex gets clued in that his dad knows the truth, and Lionel calls his son depraved for bringing back his dead brother.

Bizarro learns that Brainiac is killing homeless people, using the trace metals in their bodies to slowly regenerate. Using some weird triangulation stuff, Bizarro goes to a homeless village and finds the wholly regenerated Brainiac, sucking the life out of a rat. The computer instantly knows this is not the real Kal El, and Bizarro threatens him for some super genius assistance regarding the fact that sunlight turns Bizarro's skin to stone. Brainiac doesn't much feel like helping, but Bizarro is a tough dude, so he spills the beans about some Kryptonian scientist named Dax-Ur living on Earth.

At the Daily Planet, Bizarro asks Chloe's help in finding Dax-Ur. She's too frustrated by the fact that Lex recently bought out the paper and gutted it. Chloe (Allison Mack) suggests he use the Shield he used to have, and when Bizarro momentarily forgets what it is, Chloe grows suspicious. She goes to Kent farm and bumps into Lana. Chloe shares her suspicions, but Lana will hear none of it, blinded by her newfound love. Bizarro shows up and says he and Lana are leaving Smallville. Chloe, flabbergasted, makes a hasty retreat.

Lana suggests maybe Kara took the Shield to the Fortress of Solitude. When Bizarro gets there, the voice of Jor El orders him to leave. Jor El causes a little earthquake action, and when Bizarro leaves, the real Clark's icy coffin cracks open as Jor El orders that the last Phantom has arrived, and must be destroyed.

At Kent farm, Clark speeds back and tells Lana that he's been gone for months, and at first she doesn't accept that she's been loving a Phantom, but he convinces her to go stay at Oliver Queen's apartment. In homeless village, Bizarro asks for Brainiac's help to kill the real Clark Kent.

Clark goes to Lionel for advice on how to stop Bizarro. He tells him about using blue Kryptonite, but Jor El's ring was destroyed. Clark must summon Dax-Ur using the Shield. Clark is happy, and when Lionel leaves, he morphs into Brainiac! So we have identical twins Bizarro and Clark running around, and now Brainiac is morphing into other people. It's impossible for me to know who's who in this episode, for forgive me if I miss something.

Chloe has the Shield, and after getting her to trust Clark is the real Clark, he uses the Shield, which transports him to some dusty ghost town. Clark introduces himself to Dax-Ur, who is some old grease monkey. Dax-Ur was the scientist responsible for creating Brainiac and he chose to flee Krypton to atone for the sin of creating such a diabolical machine. Dax-Ur gives him some blue Kryptonite.

Bizarro comes to Queen's apartment to take Lana away. When she sees in the mirror that it's not the real Clark, she gets spooked and text messages for help. Bizarro hears the typing and goes after her, trying to explain that she shouldn't be scared since she was happy being in love with him.

Clark shows up but gets swiftly pushed aside by Bizarro. Lana picks up the blue Kryptonite and is torn between destroying a lie she was happy with, or being stuck pining for the unattainable real Clark. She claims to choose Bizarro, then pulls the old switcheroo and shoves the hunk of blue Kryptonite into his hand, making Bizarro explode.

Brainiac pays a visit to Dax-Ur, who he was able to find because he convinced Clark to use the Shield. Brainiac wants the scientist to help fix him. Rather than ask for help, Brainiac just melds into his brain and steals the information he needs.

At the Daily Planet, Lex fires his brother as editor-in-chief because Julian went to Lionel. Lex claims he's worried for his brother's safety because Lionel might kill him. That night Julian, coming out of a steakhouse with his father, is all smiles. That's short-lived, when a mugger steals their money, then shoots Julian more times than is necessary to actually kill a person. While playing pool, Lex gets a text message saying “Job Done.” I guess since he made Julian, it's only right that he also destroys him.


-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of the CW)