Why did I watch the premiere of Skating with the Stars? For one simple reason, and it's not to see what Sean Young has been up to since she was last relevant 25 years ago. I wanted to see famous people fall flat on their butts on live TV. It was a simple hope, one echoed by the show's host, Vernon Kay. From the beginning, he assured us that there was real peril of falling and danger and with celebrities like Vince Neil, falling seemed all-but-certain.

Yet there was no falling, no disaster. Instead, we got six rather mediocre figure skating performances. If this keeps up, I can't image anyone will continue to watch. To break up the monotony of mediocre figure skating, Johnny Weir does a special performance halfway through to Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" and, even though it's impossible, I'm pretty sure he has a camel toe the whole time.

Host Vernon Kay is like a British Tom Bergeron, if Bergeron weren't funny and was so desperate for people to like him that he kept smiling and yelling. He's like an obnoxious British Guy Smiley who promises that celebrities will fall, which is the only reason to watch. Sadly, his promises go unfulfilled.

The judges for Skating with the Stars are divided into three simple categories. Dick Button is the technical expert, Johnny Weir knows flair and Laurieann Gibson is there for dance expertise. Together they make up Gibson Weir Button, which coincidentally is also the name of my super lame prog rock band from the'90s.

Brandon Mychal Smith and Keauna McLaughlin

Technical Score: 6+5+5=16
Artistic Score: 7+7+6=20
Total Score: 36

Brandon is perfectly fine, but if I wanted to watch mediocre skating, I'd ... well, I wouldn't. On the bright side, Dick Button calls him "spiffy," which officially makes him a geezer. Next week maybe he'll call Brandon a whippersnapper.

Sean Young and Denis Petukhov

Technical Score: 6+5+5=16
Artistic Score: 7+5+6=18
Total Score: 34

Sean is unsteady like a duck on a high wire, but still no falling. Expert commentator Tanith Belbin promised that they took a fall in rehearsal, yet we got nothing. She reminds me of Norma Desmond, so maybe she'll go crazy and start demanding more close-ups at some point. Once again Dick proves his age by telling Sean to take off her girdle of praising "that movie you were in." Maybe Dick confused her for Norma Desmond too.

Jonny Mosely and Brooke Castile

Technical Score: 7+7+7=21
Artistic Score: 6+6+7=19
Total Score: 40

Three ice dancers down and still no falls, despite the fact that Jonny speeds around the ice like a bull in a china shop. Weir praises the rhinestones, which I suppose counts as expert commentary on this show.

Rebecca Budig and Fred Palascak

Technical Score: 7+7+7=21
Artistic Score: 8+8+8=24
Total Score: 45

Damnit, Skating with the Stars, stop giving me decent celebrity skaters! I want falls, I want disaster! Instead, Rebecca was just fine.

Vince Neil and Jennifer Wester

Technical Score: 6+4+4=14
Artistic Score: 6+4+4=14
Total Score: 28

The bloated rock star was certainly the show's best chance of falling, yet he didn't. Instead, it was like watching a hippo on ice skates, or a keg being pushed around the rink by a pretty girl. Vernon has the audacity to be offended by the low scores, though I can only hope he's joking.


Bethenny Frankel and Ethan Burgess

Technical Score: 5+5+5=15
Artistic Score: 5+4+5=14
Total Score: 29

And the night ends with ... no falls. So that was a total waste of nearly two hours, because all I wanted was to see someone fall flat on their butt on live TV. It's almost worth it, though, to hear Old Man Button call Bethenny "one skinny babe." I guess Thanksgiving week isn't complete without a creepy old grandpa making an inappropriate comment.


(Image courtesy of ABC)